Wednesday, 12 March 2025
Welcome back guest writer, John Tynan, for his second instalment of The Pub Test. Take it away JT.
Welcome to The Pub Test, where rugby opinions flow as freely as the beer and everyone’s an expert by their third schooner. Each episode I’ll be sharing what’s been bouncing around the bar at our little brewpub in SE Queensland, where the Reds reign supreme and every patron’s got a take hotter than a summer Sunday session.
As your publican, I’ll be adjudicating on what passes and fails the pub test – that great Aussie tradition of deciding if something makes sense over a cold one. From the wisdom of the regulars to the rants of ring-ins we’ll cover everything from Super Rugby to the Six Nations, with plenty of Tahs-sledging thrown in for good measure.
We’re high on opinions and big calls while also being low on facts and stats, but never let truth get in the way of a good pub yarn. Pull up a stool, grab a beer, and let’s see what’s got the pub talking over the last fortnight.
The Regulars Corner.
In the Regulars Corner this week Breadstick finally chimed in with his shit chat and I’ve still got all those Pommies.
Personae Dramatis:
The Publican: the older and slower he got, the lower the number on his back got.
BreadStick: a sub 80kg flanker with the bones of a sparrow.
Stan: a rugby tragic who has just got too dumb to stop (could be something to do with being a prop). 50 seasons and counting….
Woody: crash ball centre a legend in his own lunchtime, a solid 3rd XV starter, and also a Pom.
ExRebel: a founding member of the Melbourne Rebels. Somewhat circumstantially, a founding member of the recently formed Rugby Australia Appreciation Society. Also Les Pommes.
Jimbo: wants to re-build the wall to keep the Scots out (presumably around the equator these days). Les Pommes.
The Tasting Paddle.
A quick recap of highlights from the previous fortnight:
- Force Show Up, Just Not On Scoreboard – the Western mob showed relentless pressure against the Reds and seemed to be playing better footy against the Tahs with ball-carrying backrowers creating craters in the defensive line. Young Pasitoa on return made us all nod knowingly and mutter “always rated him” into our beers.
- Slips Makes Old Props Proud – James “The Ageless Wonder” Slipper became the second most capped Super Rugby player, still trailing Crockett by 18 but looking better than last year’s tired version. Stan didn’t need the purple pill that night.
- We Love The Reds But… – jeez they are looking like they haven’t met each other before the game. The cohesion was supposed to be lacking from the Force and Tah’s putting fundamentally new teams together, but it’s the Reds that look like they need a nice pot of tea, some iced vovo’s and someone’s Nanna to tell them to play nicely together.
- Bell’s School of Dark Arts – Angus Bell’s scrummaging technique continues evolving from “obvious cheat” to “crafty operator” with refs somehow missing his angle and hinging approach, not seen since The Human Hinge, also in sky blue. Give that man a black robe and a Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position.
- Tahs Win Despite Themselves – the perennial blue-jersey favourites (main sponsor Rugby Australia) somehow stumbled to victory despite serving up “pretty crappy, conservative, shapeless play.” Like watching a drunk man fall upstairs – confusing, slightly impressive, and definitely not repeatable – or is it…?.
- Broadcast Gold – Stan (the Regular, not the channel) bestowed the highest praise possible by enjoying the lack of commentators when just the ref, the players and the crowd could be heard during Moana v Highlanders. Stan (the channel not the Regular) producers frantically taking notes for their next immersive sports documentary.
Super Rugby Roundup.
Brumbies break Auckland curse (finally!)
After 13 years of Eden Park disappointment they finally conquered the All Black fortress. Coincidentally, 13 is the average crowd at a home game for the Brumbies.
Regardless, I’ve always said the well-coached Brumbies are the most consistent Aussie team for a reason…ExRebel called it “pretty uninspiring, lots of turnover & mistakes on both sides,” while someone astutely observed their kicking coach deserves a P45. Nevertheless, the “Lucky Donkeys” (copyright Stan – the Regular not the channel) brought home the W.
Drua’s Tropical Monsoon Masterclass
In conditions that would have Noah reaching for his toolbox, the Drua combined Fijian flair with newfound set-piece competence to drown the Chiefs in Lautoka. Evolution before our eyes, folks – from “exciting but flaky” to “actually quite handy at this game of rugby.” Global warming skeptics can point to hell freezing over as the Drua’s scrum functioned more than adequately.
Ardie’s Savea’s Moana Pasifika show heart (and rugby skills)
ASMP showed they’re more than just Ardie’s traveling circus by toppling the Hurricanes. Breadstick, master of understatement, called it “all heart and a well deserved win.” The Hurricanes’ injury list reads longer than War and Peace, but let’s not rain on Moana’s parade – they earned this one with knobs on.
Force play rugby, Tahs win because… reasons
The much-anticipated debut of the Tahs Tear Tracker was shelved after the Force snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Despite looking threatening and organised all game, they somehow let the boys in (sky) blue rumble to victory. The Publican’s sideline assessment was brutally accurate: “Force are playing the rugby but the shit heels are winning the footy…” Breadstick blamed the man in the middle: “Ref is keeping the Tahs in the game,” while Stan dropped the mathematical truth bomb: “You can’t win a game when you give away 12 penalties in a row.” Rocket science, that.
Reds’ Hands Let Them Down (Along With Everything Else)
High hopes for a historic Kiwi clean sweep evaporated faster than free beer at happy hour as the Reds channeled their inner Keystone Cops against the Crusaders. The Publican admitted to putting the mockers on them, but their handling would have embarrassed a butter-fingered octopus. ExRebel’s running commentary tracked the downward spiral: “I’ve lost count of the number of passing errors from the Reds,” culminating in “one last one just to finish off.”
Breadstick delivered the final insult: “JOC best Reds player on ground” – mike drop, Breadstick out.
Six Nations Corner
Ireland v France: even Campo gets it right sometimes
Campo was right about something. Statistically he has to be at some point, but we should celebrate the Clown Prince when a swing finally hits one!
France’s power game and forwards-heavy bench steamrolled Ireland like a croissant under a Peugeot. Dupont’s knee exploded in a cruel injury, but prompted the $64M question: “If we think Ireland make the majority of the Lions, can the Wallabies bring a power game in the French format?” (Spoiler alert: probably not).
Scotland v Wales: the hurdling Law nobody knew existed
Scotland’s expected win over Wales came with an 18-point cushion in the second half and a free rules seminar on “hurdling” that had everyone learning something new. Wales showed signs of life post-Gatland, but still couldn’t match a Scotland team featuring a rampaging Finn Russell, Blair Kinghorn, Mac Van Der Merwe, and relative newby Tom “Definitely Not A Kiwi, Honest Bro” Jordan.
England v Italy: one percenters add up
England’s win over Italy surprised absolutely nobody, but their improvement in the one percenters suggests a team on the turn. The victory, paired with Ireland’s face plant, shuffles the championship standings and validates Woody’s crystal ball prediction of a 3 horse race. Betting shops across the UK are frantically adjusting odds.
Lions tour watch.
The Lions tour debate has pub regulars nearly coming to blows, particularly over who wears the hallowed number 10 jersey.
Owen Farrell divides opinion like Marmite – Woody proposed him as an outside pick while Jimbo countered with the equivalent of “thanks but no thanks” citing his lack of attacking threat.
Finn Russell’s Jekyll and Hyde performances – Looked poor against a good team and looked good against a poor team – as well as another Prendergast flop have pundits scratching their heads, giving oxygen to Woody’s Dark Horse pick of Owen Farrell.
Fly-half musical chairs continued in the chat with Woody backing Farrell the Younger, Finn R and Marcus covering 10 or 15 while noting Fin Smith is too green for a Lions jersey and Marcus Smith best suited as impact back off the bench. Farrell the Elder is probably reaching for the Gaviscon after that round.
The back row debate has Jimbo in the 6 either Curry or Lawes, 7 Jack Morgan 8 Doris camp while Woody simplifies matters with “But surely Tom Curry must start?” Thankfully, we’ve got several more months of this circular argument to enjoy.
Wallaby Watch: head-to-head.
We’ve seen a number of Wallaby head-to-heads over the last two weeks, here’s the best of the opinions offered up over a frothy:
Force v Reds – the battle of the battlers
Tizzano v McReight: Our sentimental favourite here in Reds country made the ballsy death match call, but Tizzano played the wider game we expected from McReight while McReight played the tight game we expect from the Tizzanator. Pub Test Verdict: Tizzano edges it by being “more integral to his team’s play.”
de Crespigny v Uru: The Publican gushes: “I love the cut of de Crespigny’s jib. He would be picked in one of my teams every time.” Translated from coach-speak: “He’s not pretty but he gets the job done.” Offering “hard nosed, abrasive, work rate” – basically rugby’s version of your mate who always helps you move house. Pub Test Verdict: de Crespigny wins the unfashionable metrics trophy.
McDermott v White: “McDermott trumps a fading White who’s main skill seems to be pissing off the bloke with the whistle.” Although as always Tate’s “quick but sprayed delivery” has backs jumping like they’re at a rave. Pub Test Verdict: McDermott’s chaotic energy trumps White’s referee antagonism masterclass.
Lynagh v Donaldson: The Waratah Escape Clause strikes again as Donaldson flourishes in Force colours. His booming boot and ability to play what is in front of him not just running out the set play” edges Lynagh’s solid rugby mind and structured play. Pub Test Verdict: Donaldson by a nose, Waratahs coaching staff pretending not to notice.
Flook v Pasitoa: Pasitoa appears to have grown into himself (translation: hit the buffet hard) while Flook impressed with “top quality defensive reads” before his hamstring decided to take early leave. Pub Test Verdict: A gentleman’s tie, with Pasitoa’s buffet choices to be closely monitored.
Daugunu v Pietsch: The two form power wingers in the Wallaby framework with Daugunu offering the defensive nous and jackalling ability that Pietsch lacks. Another Waratah Resurrection Project sees Pietsch more confident in a new non-Waratah set up. Pub Test Verdict: Daugunu wins, confirming that blue jerseys might be cursed.
Waratahs v Force – The Battle of the Silvertails v The Battlers
Bell v Robertson: The Tahs scrum employed more angles than a geometry textbook with Bell and Tupou’s inside shoulders ‘tucked’, creating a leading hooker and an arrow formation. A perfect strategy for this ref, but other whistleblowers might demand they present a front row more square and straight. Pub Test Verdict: Bell wins through superior Dark Arts mastery.
Porecki v BPA: Porecki, who looks like an accountant that doesn’t scare any international front rows, somehow managed to hold his own in his return game. BPA, meanwhile, was solid without offering any knock out blows. Pub Test Verdict: A tie, which is not great for BPA. Accountants worldwide rejoice.
Tupou v Pearce: Tupou completed the trifecta of scrumming wins while still searching for that explosive edge he used to have. Pearce has been labelled a poor man’s Bell in his running game – the rugby equivalent of shopping at Aldi. Pub Test Verdict: Tupou wins via dark arts department.
Grant v Swain/Williams: Ben Grant impressed with his work ethic – rugby’s most backhanded compliment – while Swain shows signs of form and Williams hunts for consistency after injury. Pub Test Verdict: Grant takes this round but isn’t booking Lion flights just yet.
Gleeson v de Crespigny: Gleeson looks like he has a point to prove while de Crespigny seems played out of position at 8 when he’s a natural 6. Pub Test Verdict: Gleeson claims this round, position purists nodding approvingly.
Leota v Harris: Leota just does enough but never blows me away – the rugby equivalent of a 3-star Yelp review. Harris, meanwhile, has perfected the art of somehow disappearing once he runs onto the field. Pub Test Verdict: Both players sent back for remedial impact training.
Gamble v Tizzano: Despite Gamble benefiting from the misleading aura of being in sky blue” (the Waratah Effect™), Tizzano was back in the tough stuff and simply ticks more boxes. Pub Test Verdict: Tizzano wins, likely leaving Gamble checking the Waratahs Escape Clause in his contract.
Gordon v White: Gordon maintains Wallaby pole position despite his habit of doing two or three dumb things a game. White continues his transition to fading player status, specialising in referee irritation rather than actual halfback play. Pub Test Verdict: Gordon wins by default, setting a low bar for aspiring 9s everywhere.
Jorgensen/Lancaster v Pietsch/Potter: Jorgensen looks fast and strong and good to see they haven’t made him pack on extra kegs while Pietsch’s effort is acknowledged – participation medals this one time. Pub Test Verdict: Jorgensen claims the pace wing spot, while Pietsch gets the power wing vacancy.
Kellaway v Grealy: Kellaway has picked up a yard of pace after last year’s performances where he looked flat, tired and slow, while Grealy isn’t even in the conversation yet. Pub Test Verdict: Kellaway wins unopposed, though the bar was admittedly low.
