The Tears of Phil Kearns

–National Geographic–

It is basic science that The Tears of Phil Kearns are some of the most treasured minerals known to man.

Just one single solitary tear, rubbed lovingly upon the fontanelle of a newborn infant, has been scientifically proven to:

• ward off evil spirits forever.
• ensure a healthy appetite.
• bestow a lifelong disposition of just benevolence.
• guarantee a lifetime of stiffies. even for girls.

Once shed, Phil Kearns tears are quickly pooled along with the tears of every other sook bastard on the fuckin’ planet.. 99.8% of whom now reside on the internet.

However, due to their priceless nature, Kearns tears, the tears containing the magic essence that presents itself only when an injustice befalls Kearns beloved NSW Waratahs, are distilled by divine intervention and run their own course, bound as if by fate, destined to coalesce at their legendary eternal well, The Kearns Boil.

“And thus shall we cleave a trench through the land of Wollongong, a trench that shall run rich with Phil Kearns tears, and in due course, well eternally upon the holy site of the Kearns Boil” said the Bible.

These purest of tears, they wend their way through the hills of Wollongong, a languid flow with an ease of passage befitting their very nature as holy vessels that are capable of cleansing and nourishing the followers of a rugby football team no matter how shitty the team, yes, even the squalid and moribund and clueless fuckhead Auckland Blues of Auckland, New Zealand.

The Kearns Boil.

“And here, here upon the lanced boil of shattered NSW Waratah dreams, shall the most treasured tears of Phil Kearns congeal as one solitary tear” (Chapter 2, Verse 8, Book of Phil)

Yes, pagans, heathens, freaks and followers of shitty rugby teams – or any team other than the NSW Waratahs really – bathe ye filthed self within the tears, cleanse yourself freak, cleanse!

*Please form an orderly queue behind Western Force fans.
*No pissing in the pool (mainly Western Force fans).