Greetings rugby lovers and welcome to your rugby happy place and a Friday like no other. For it’s the Friday before the first test against the Former United Kingdom & Irish Rugby Side (the FUKIRS) and today, that’s the only story that matters.
So grab a warm drink (for our northern friends, that’s not a beer), put some jam on your toast, settle in and let’s celebrate all things Green & Gold Rugby.
We start today looking at further promotional opportunities in: ‘Where’s Eddie?’. Look at the odds stacked against our lot with: ‘A True Underdog Story’. Preview the first test match via: ‘Great Expectations’. Before putting the spring in your step with: ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’ officially thanking all you stupid, weak idiots for voting for us.
Where’s Eddie?
Here we stand, on the precipice of the greatest test series on our shores in 12 years and I gotta tell ya Gaggers, the lead up has been pretty ‘meh’ so far.
Where’s the fire? Where’s the brimstone? Where’s the confected outrage and ridiculous comments? Where’s the outlandish statements? Where’s the ‘smash & grab’: ‘the worst press conference ever’, where’s the footage of RA’s Nathan Williamson sobbing in the airport terminal from the barrage? FFS, where’s Eddie when you need him!
We all know St Joe is a good guy, it would appear that Lions King, Coach Mufasa, is also cut from the same cloth. They appear genuinely decent guys, but the whole things been just so sanitised, so sterile and just so bloody stale. Where’s the niggle, the spice, the barbs, the digs, the dirt? Where’s the dwarf tossing, barmaid canoodling scandal? Where’s the pre-match gladiatorial sparring, before the real gladiatorial battle? In the name of Ganesha, just give us something we can use!
The whole lead up has just been so bland, so nothing, so well, nice. Annoyingly nice. So much so that it’s actually really-really boring. STAN’s coverage has been nice. The FUKIR’s fans have been nice, the foreign press pack has been nice. Hell, even the Lions pantomime bad guy, Henry Pollock seems a nice kid. He’s tried to rev things up with his 3-0 prediction, but he’s just so cute, I just want to rub his belly (in a Golden Retriever way, not in a weird Yowie ‘P-Diddy’ sort of way) and get him some warm milk and cookies and tuck him in for the night.
Part of the obligation of those involved with the series, is the promotion of the series. The whole lead up is been like sitting in an adult cinema in the Cross, tingling with anticipation, the curtains scroll back, the lights dim and the screen then illuminates with Disney’s Bambi! And according to Brisneyland, you wondered why you went to all the effort to begin with. Now you’re left with a dose of regret, plus a 70’s overcoat, fake beard, hat & sunglasses to dispose of.
Maybe it will all be forgotten come kick-off and the real business of rugby immortality gets underway. With tickets still available to each test and none of the previous tour games sold out, maybe, just maybe, we could have used a touch of verbal jousting along the way to help drive interest, put bums on seats and swell RA coffers. Although at up to $649 a test ticket, I can understand some empty seats. In hindsight we could have used a loud mouthed, shite-stirring, opinionated, pain in the backside, aggravating, antagonist to add a pinch of rancid spice to help dilute the saccharine we’ve been dished up thus far.
Where’s Eddie when you need him!
A True Underdog Story.
Twelve years in the making. The last four years and three coaches, spent identifying and nurturing talent, building combinations and stamping a clear and unique rugby DNA on the Wallabies in preparedness for this very day: or at least that’s what we had been told, right?
Make no mistake Gaggers, ours is an underdog story. A true underdog story.
However you look at the two sides, man for man, pound for pound, experience for experience, the Lions are clear and outright favourites. Heavy favourites. Overwhelming favourites. Unbackable bloody favourites.
The question is not so much ‘how did we get here’, that’s done and dusted, instead my more urgent question is: how do we make it work to our advantage? How does our team become more than the sum of their parts? And just how do we beat these Lions?
Just how do our Wallabies rise from underdogs to legends?
And there in lies the beauty of this contest. None of us can answer those questions. Only our Wallabies can do that for us. Only those inside the camp, inside the team, can answer that for themselves and by extension, for us fans. And they won’t answer it through words, they’ll answer through deeds. They’ll answer through actions. They’ll answer through courage, through determination, through grit, desire and belief, sheer, bloody-minded, unwavering belief.
Like all of you on here, I can’t wait. Nothing else matters now but actions.
The actions of a rooky #10, who will emulate his famous father when he faces the FUKIRS. The actions of a whole-hearted skipper who will give his all leading from the front and won’t leave anything in the tank. The actions of a 29 year old rooky, making his Wallaby debut against the best of the best. The actions of only the second Aussie ever to play a second series against the Red side and his 145th cap in gold. This game will be won or lost by a handful of the thousands of actions of our players in gold, who’ve given a lifetime of sacrifice and effort to wear the jersey, our jersey, tomorrow night. Some of those actions won’t be heroic or sensational, but instead involve getting off the ground quickly and rejoining his mates in D. They’ll involve chasing every kick, or pushing in every scrum, of contesting every lineout. And it will be these actions that us fans will ride every moment with them. And through our golden warriors actions, as Nutta might say, they have a chance to weave their stitch into that jersey, our jersey, a stitch to last a lifetime.
Perhaps, as our team faces off against the mother country and her siblings (our Aunts?) that the last words go to the father of our federation, perhaps even our original underdog, Sir Henry Parkes, when he too faced challenges from the north:
‘In one hand I have a dream, and in the other I have an obstacle. Tell me, which one grabs your attention?’
Great Expectations.
Wallabies v British & Irish Lions. Sat 19th July, Suncorp Stadium Brisbane. 7.00pm AEST, 8.00pm kick off. Live on STAN & NINE.
Hmmmmm, just where to begin?
With BOK as referee one could reasonably anticipate a fast and free-flowing game. Let’s hope our skipper Dirty Harry, or someone like Commissioner Gordon, get’s in BOK’s ear early about the peculiarly Oirsh trait of ‘loitering’ around the sides and backs of our rucks, thus slowing down the speed of ball.
We can also expect to see the real tactics of each side, not the ‘rope-a-dope’ shown thus far. For mine, I expect an aerial assault all night from the Wallabies. We all witnessed JAS and his freakish aerial ability on the northern tour and you’d be crazy not to look for pay dirt there. Especially as the Brumbies showed that with excellent contestable kicks, you can both make ground by winning the ball or by pressuring the Lions into error, either way, you have promoted your possession further up field and/or, force the Lions to regroup in uncomfortable conditions. Equally though, the Wallabies must maintain defensive alignment from kicks to prevent ‘break away’ tries to the Lions.
I also expect the Lions to send a heap of traffic and attempt to bully, deceive and exploit our #10 and #13 channels. With ‘Sleepy’ (Little Noddy) at #10 they will want to ruffle his feathers as best they can and tire him at the same time to nullify his danger in attack. That’s where some of our pigs must be on standby to assist and bash away themselves and it’s here I reckon ‘Norman Bates, or ‘Batesy’, Champion de Crispigny (his team mates call him ‘The Psycho’) will really stand out. The guy is every inch a test footballer in waiting and I can’t wait to see him do his thing.
My real concern however, is JAS and our #13 channel and his propensity to turn in, or ‘bite’ in defence. With Scottish wizard Russell pulling the strings, I reckon they’ll throw a few decoy moves to JAS and deliberately let him make the tackle. Almost creating a Trumpian ‘fake reality’. Thus lulling JAS into a false sense of security, perhaps even an over confidence and once they have him bluffed, they’ll run a similar move. The set-up will look the same. The move will unfold the same way, but at the last minute, they’ll use a disguised. hidden or inside runner and all hell will break loose. It’s here that Lenny Ikitau has to keep up great communication with his centre partner and use the Kenny Rogers defensive analogy: know when to hold ’em and know when to fold ’em. Of all the match-ups across the field, I can’t shake the feeling that whomever are the dominant centre pairing on the night, either Huwipolotu or Sualiki, will likely have won the match for their side.
As for the Lions, with XVI Leinster players in their starting XV, they have liberal doses of power and pace and perhaps more impressively, they have genuine connection and combinations across the paddock. Coach Mufasa has gone full Haggis mode with his #10, #12 & #13 combo and who can blame him. Russell is in majestic form, Tuipolotu is a wonderful ball player capable of creating time and space for the outstanding Huw Jones. Equally though, Tuipolotu can play the crash and bash game as well. The back three have size and skill, as well as excellent kicking games. Indeed in James Lowe they perhaps have the most prodigious kicking boot in world rugby. His left foot kicks can turn defence into 60m gains and the Wallabies will need to kick wisely to him and shut down the time and angle he has available to him to unleash that left footed howitzer.
The Lions forwards are big and mobile. Indeed I’d hate to be picking up the tab for their beef consumption on tour. They are supremely well lead by the magnificent Super Maro Itoje and have similarly large humans on the pine and will keep menacing the Wallabies all evening. But and like Will Stuart, it’s a sizeable but, they don’t have a dedicated ‘fetcher’ and should St Joe decide to bring on The Bulldog Tizanno and leave F-Mac on as well, that could make for an interesting last 20-25 minutes. I would say though, Mufasa has an embarrassment of riches when you can leave someone like Josh van der Flier out of your XXIII.
The real advantage the Lions have for mine though, is their outstanding #9, Kiwi Jamieson Gibson-Park. Whilst the French guy probably just shades him, JGP is proper quality in everything he does. That said, he is yet to be truly tested so far this tour. So as good as he is, equally he might also be pressured to become their Achilles heel. For if (and I do mean ‘if’) the Wallabies can get him to make tackles, a lot of tackles, slow his ability to ‘sweep’ in backfield cover defence and put pressure on his decision making and skill execution, then gaps and opportunity just might present themselves. There’ll only be a few, but taking a few of your chances is all you need to win.
And that’s exactly where this game will be won and lost. In those fleeting moments and opportunities. Who will hold their nerve, who will execute under pressure, fatigue and duress and who will be the side that heads to Mexico with a 1-0 series lead and a spring in their step?
Fearless Predictions: Wallabies, by enough. And returning cattle for the second test as well. Wouldn’t that be nice.
WALLABIES (15-1): Tom Wright; Max Jorgensen, Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii, Len Ikitau, Harry Potter; Tom Lynagh, Jake Gordon; Harry Wilson (capt), Fraser McReight, Nick Champion de Crespigny; Jeremy Williams, Nick Frost; Allan Alaalatoa, Matt Faessler, James Slipper
Replacements: Billy Pollard, Angus Bell, Tom Robertson, Tom Hooper, Carlo Tizzano, Tate McDermott, Ben Donaldson, Andrew Kellaway
LIONS (15-1): Hugo Keenan, Tommy Freeman, Huw Jones, Sione Tuipulotu, James Lowe, Finn Russell, Jamison Gibson-Park, Jack Conan, Tom Curry, Tadhg Beirne, Joe McCarthy, Maro Itoje, Tadhg Furlong, Dan Sheehan, Ellis Genge
Replacements: Ronan Kelleher, Andrew Porter, Will Stuart, Ollie Chessum, Ben Earl, Alex Mitchell, Marcus Smith, Bundee Aki
Match Officials: Referee: Ben O’Keeffe (NZR) Assistant Referee 1: Nika Amashukeli (GRU) Assistant Referee 2: Andrea Piardi (FIR) TMO: Richard Kelly (NZR) FPRO: Eric Gauzins (FFR)
Friday’s Goss’ with Hoss.
Why, why, why, no Boyos?
Jac Morgan is probably a bit stiff to miss Lions selection for the first test I reckon. And in doing so, this becomes the first Lions side since the 1899 tour to Australia, to not feature a Welsh player.
But then.
Scotstralian Sione Tuipolotu will become the first Australian since 1910 to run out for the Lions this weekend and only the third ever to do so. The last Aussie player to do so was warrior Tom Richards in 1910. The SMH has the story
Pack ya bags.
News Thursday arvo the Taniela Tupou & Filipo Daugunu had been released from camp Wallaby to take part in the Indigenous / Pasifika side on Tuesday night in Mexico. Both players could use the game time and I reckon it’s a smart call to both get some minutes into them and bolster the side as well.
Who cares!
The Kiwis have made 10 changes to their side to face the French Contiki back-packer XV this weekend in the third ‘test’ this Saturday in NZ. The WWII participation award winners, lost the second test by, I dunno, 90 points maybe, and this will be little more than a paid fun-run for the Nearlies, who should win by plenty.
If you really must watch the game: Sat 19th July 4.00pm AEST on STAN
Coaching appointment
The Dutch Dirt Farmers (DDF) cheat coach Rassie Erasmus has invited NSW upper house MP Mark Latham to join his coaching staff. With Rassie’s penchant for shitting on rugby’s law book, shitting on world rugby, shitting on the spirit of the game, this alleged coprophilia fan would appear an obvious choice to join a team of fellow coprophiliacs.
More, more, more.
Check back in here after fulltime for a full first test review and analysis with Brisneyland Local. Plus podcasts from the Dropped Kick Off Team of Nick & Natho. When it comes to this Lions tour, Green & Gold Rugby has you covered.
Until next week. Go you good things.
Hoss – out.
