Is it Friday again already?
Greetings Gaggers and I hope Thursday night/Friday morning (or if you’re in WA, 15 August 1996) finds you excited for another weekend of wall-to-wall Rugby.
All aboard today’s Friday’s Rugby News as we start out with ‘Use It. Or I Will Lose It!’ Put on your Tina Turner wigs as we dive into ‘Mad Max: Beyond Blunderdome?’ Visit the judiciary in ‘Good People Make Exactly What Again?’. Look at this weekend’s SRP matches with ‘Respecting Their Brains Out!’. Jump into round #2 of SRW in ‘Wanna Have Fun’. And round it out with a bulging ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, this week fuller than Nella’s match day shorts.
Use It. Or I Will Lose It!
Gather round Gaggers, for I am about to go full Sam Kerr on a deeply held pet hate of mine: the caterpillar ruck.
It’s been bubbling along for years now. This pox, this blight, this deliberate sealing off the ball and the eternity it takes for the ball to be live again is ruining rugby. And be clear, rugby is resurgent. Its law makers are open to the idea of opening up, quickening the game, evidenced by the binning of Dupont’s Law. So why not the same fresh thinking about this herpes on rugby’s soul?
My official submission to fix this is a very, very simple cure. The moment the #9, or whoever touches the ball, the 5 second countdown begins. Alternatively, the moment the ball is at the back of the initial ruck, the countdown begins. Either way, the referee provides an audible countdown as follows: ‘Use it, 4, 3, 2, 1’
No repeated warning or ‘use it #9’. At the conclusion of the countdown, the ball is either live and can be played by the opposition, is put back in play by the team in possession, or a short-arm free kick is awarded, with play to recommence with a tap from the spot of the initial ruck, or within 2 metres of that spot, to encourage fast, open play (the same 10m rule applies for the defending team). Not a scrum, or kick for touch and corresponding 30 second CWA meeting before the lineout. But the ball must be tapped, within a 2m radius and away we go again.
As good as rugby has been this year, the dreaded caterpillar remains a blight on the game in both hemispheres. Watching 6N last weekend it was 5-7 seconds for the ref to call ‘use it’, and on most occasions well over 5 seconds for the team to do so. All of this without sanction or consequences for serial offenders.
World Rugby needs to get rid of the caterpillar as it currently stands. To do that it must change player behaviour. To change such behaviour, you first need to change attitudes. And to change attitudes, you need a slight and very subtle law tweak and then a consistent application of that tweak by every referee. Watching an opposition player dart downfield and score because you were too slow in clearing a ruck will soon smarten those performing the caterpillar ruck real quick.
You’re welcome world.
Mad Max: Beyond Blunderdome?
All us Tahs fans want is life beyond Blunderdome.
Now let’s first be clear: the Tahs were not the better side against the Auckland (Welfare) Blues last weekend. There were no officiating howlers or interventions from the fickle fortunes of fate. None. What there was, however, was a plethora of really poor options at #10 (in particular) again. Kick when he should pass, kick to no one, kick too deep, kick too short, kick on attack, kick, kick, kick, kick, bloody well kick.
And the real sand in my speedos through the monotony of the relentless and ineffectual kick-chess? That this match was on the vine, hanging there, ripe for the picking, just aching to be won. As opposed to not lost and there is the world the Tahs currently inhabit.
Make no mistake, the Tahs forwards shared the honours with the Auckland behemoths. The boys in sky blue really fronted up. The Blues fluffed their lines, butchered tries, and the icing on the cake was Perofeta and his goal kicking. Actually goal kicking would be the equivalent of calling a fully filled toddlers nappy ‘art’. As he couldn’t have hit the side of a barn with a shot gun, from inside the barn (credit AllyOz).
So just what will change this week against Fiji, in Fiji, with weather forecasts predicted at kickoff, and I quote, of 28 degrees, 83% humidity and 70% chance of rain? Oh, on top of the 50mm of expected rain before then! Enter stage right and welcome back one ‘Mad’ Max Jorgensen.
With Mad Max back at #15 after returning from injury, this means the Tahs have their most dangerous players back in position, well nearly. The fairies look more Tah tough with:
- 11 Justin Beiber
- 12 Jon Boy Walton (who again kicked from 40m out when on attack). Hoss to Jon Boy, come in Jon Boy: bloody stop kicking away possession inside the opponent’s half, when on attack. FFS!
- 13 Cement Perese
- 14 The Funky Bunch
- 15 Mad Max
Maybe, just maybe, with the inclusion of Mad Max at #15 and his incisive running and ball playing skills, Mr Edmed might just decide to run the ball more. Or at the very least have eyes up and mind open to running the ball. You won’t beat Fiji, in oppressive, wet and humid conditions, by kicking them the ball all day long. Do that and you’ll run out of legs and run out as losers, significant losers.
If Ed Sheeran can do that, shelve the incessant kicking, play heads-up rugby, use the skills and threats around him, create deception, uncertainty and subterfuge among the Drua defenders, then that will go along way to getting the lollies on Saturday and beyond.
While it may only be round #5, I would suggest it’s also round staying alive for the Tahs season. Add to that it may also be last chance saloon for Edmed’s immediate future and by association, that of coach Gary Coleman.
Us Tahs fans don’t ask much do we? We don’t need another hero. We don’t need to know the way home. All we want is life beyond Blunderdome.
Go well.
‘Good People’ Make Exactly What Again?
They make good All Blacks allegedly, or so the saying goes. And it seems good All Blacks just can’t be punished the same as regular Joes.
First, we have the most offending family in the history of the fabled nearly All Black jersey, the Barretts (look it up: another Friday fact) and Jordie in particular, getting a watered down sentence and waved through with ‘nothing to see here’ because he’s a good bloke and was born in NZ. Now we have Owen ‘No Neck’ Franks getting the inside run again! All because of his nation of birth and for previous residence in the dark robes.
‘No Neck’ tried a decapitation, without sedative, known as The Putin Adjustment on a fellow Kiwi last week just as the full time siren sounded. He was rightly cheesed and subsequently upgraded to a vino. The punishment? $500 in Bunnings vouchers, tickets to the latest R rated NZ mime sensation, Silence of the Lambs, and an apology from match officials for their temerity.
It’s enough to make you spit. Rather than ramble on, imagine for a minute Gaggers it was Darcy Swain who did the same? Lurch would be lynched! I remember when Quade Cooper gently rested his knees on Sir Rucchie’s face one match. The internet near melted.
Maybe ‘speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil’ has become the new motto of these idiots on the judiciary. Maybe it might also only apply to those with a history of playing for the Nearlies?
Good people my arse.
‘Respecting’ Their Brains Out.
All teams Happy’s Thursday Rugby News.
Friday 22 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Hurricanes v Melbourne Rebels at Central Energy Trust Arena, Palmerston North on Stan Sport
‘We rully ruspict the Ribbles. There uh kwility side und thutt’s why weev unly mid thutteen changes fuh thus wikkind’ Hurricanes Coach Scotty Mc Scot.
That’s right Gaggers, the table topping Canes have ‘respected’ the living shite out of the South Brisbane side for this weekend’s first SRP match from middle earth somewhere. I mean, they can’t even be bothered playing it at their regular home ground, such is their disdain!
Sure, they’re a few useful players coming into the side: TJ Paranoia, and Jordie Barrett, youngest son of a family of serial offenders returns as well. But as a final insult, they’ve also named some Pom as skipper in Brad Shields. Take that South Brisbane!
For the Rebs, they’ve made a few changes of their own. Mr 25 minutes returns to the bench, along with usual starter and dumb penalty magnet Josh Canham. Mason Gordon looks like getting some game time, via the bench with brother Flash at some point. Actually the Rebs reserve front row looks ok. Along with Tupou, there’s also Mafi and Eloff. But the real question is whether the starting XV of the Rebs can stay close to the Canes B team before the substantial weight of the Rebs reserves enters the fray?
Fearless Prediction: You know what, you rest 13 players, you get what you deserve. Rebs by 5 and you can kiss my big hairy risspict.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referee: Angus Mabey, Marcus Playle
Friday 22 March 7:35 pm AEDT – ACT Brumbies v Moana Pasifika at GIO Stadium, Canberra, ad-free, live and on demand on Stan Sport
For my criticism of the Ponies this year I’d be remiss in saying they are now 3 & 1 on the ladder and almost got there unnoticed. There were moments of Brumbies of yore last week and some players certainly set off on their redemptive arcs. Speedy Gonzales on the wing was uber impressive and he also seems to be getting faster! His try, where he swerved at full pace, without losing balance or slowing down was a thing of pure rugby beauty.
MP are no longer the easy beats of SRP and have been consistent this year. The Brumbies are a touch inexperienced up front to start and have benched Frost, Slipper, Hooper, Rymer and Ryan Lonergan for this one Although I rather suspect that’s more about load management than anything else. But again, you’d want to ensure the starting XV were in a solid spot before the bench comes on. An MP side with its tail up, can be difficult to overcome. And the Barrett families Australian cousin, Lurch Swain, is also captain for this one, so who knows what might unfold?
Fearless Prediction: I’ve picked agin ’em all year and been burnt, so maybe this time it’s Ponies by 17. Just to be safe.
Referee: Jordan Way Assistant Referee: Reuben Keane, Jeremy Marky
Saturday 23 March 12:05 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v NSW Waratahs at Churchill Park, Lautoka, ad-free, live and on demand on Stan Sport
Said it all above.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 23. Barring ‘the Doleman’ effect. Yikes!
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referee: Jono Bredin, Fraser Hannon
Saturday 23 March 2:35 pm AEDT – Chiefs v Highlanders at FMG Stadium Waikato, Hamilton, ad-free, live and on demand on Stan Sport.
Game #1 of a blockbuster Kiwi double header. No, not a South Island beauty pageant, but back-to-back games of rugby featuring NZ based sides.
Should be a cracking game. As good as the Chiefs are, their best and most consistent player this year, for mine has been skipper Luke Jacobson. Big, skilled, good on both sides of the pill and my AB #8 for this year. Jacobson gets through a mountain of work and is the heartbeat of the Chiefs pack.
However you cut it, the Chiefs will be too strong.
Fearless Prediction: Chuffs by 19
Referee: Paul Williams Assistant Referee: Dan Waenga, Mike Winter
Saturday 23 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Blues v Crusaders at Eden Park, Auckland, ad-free, live and on demand on Stan Sport
Ahhh, the Crusadists.
A once mighty rugby peoples, but like the Aztecs, consigned to the history books of fallen former powers. Or are they?
There were fleeting glimpses, maybe just flashes last week of what the Sadists used to look like. Composed, patient and dangerous. Their roster is still skinny, their coach under siege. The nation hurrumphing about the fall from grace. There’s even whispers of an SOS to Sam Whitelock to return to NZ rugby and pronto at that.
The Blues? Well, the Tahs may have just done the Sadists a favour. Forget last week’s result, the big Auckland beef got a proper tenderising from the Tahs forwards. And travelling back home, a fraction sore, a fraction jaded and a fraction underestimating the South Island easy beats may be all the in the Sadists need?
Can you smell an ‘upset’?
Fearless Prediction: I can. Crusadists by 1.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referee: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw
Saturday 23 March 7:35 pm AEDT – Western Force v Queensland Reds at HBF Park, Perth, ad-free, live and on demand on Stan Sport
I will use an economy of words here.
Fearless Prediction: Reds by 100.
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referee: Graham Cooper, Jordan Kaminski
WANNA HAVE FUN?
SRW teams courtesy Neal Whitaker rugby.com.au
Friday 22 March 5:05 pm AEDT – ACT Brumbies v Melbourne Rebels at GIO Stadium, Canberra on Stan Sport
Brumbies were outplayed, out enthused and out gunned against the Tahs last week. The Rebels themselves where well beaten by a polished Force side as well, although they were competitive for much of the match.
Fearless Prediction: Rebels by 9
Saturday 23 March 2:35 pm AEDT – Fijian Drua v NSW Waratahs at Churchill Park, Laukota on Stan Sport
Game #2 of a FIjian double header this Saturday. The Tahs looked fit, fast and ruthless against the Brumbies last week. The forwards were cohesive and well drilled, the backs were professional, pacey and very polished. Georgina Frederichs was a standout in both attack and defence and organised the Tahs beautifully. Morgan’s passing and quick ball from #9 was excellent and Bella McKenzie’s general play and goal kicking in particular was sensational.
The Drua, well they were too big for the Reds and rolled over them. But big don’t mean fit and I think they’ll struggle in their own conditions Saturday. The Tahs looked steely edged and ready for the season ahead. Great to see skipper Plucka Duck back in action too. I’d near forgotten how good she is.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 30. Yep, 30.
Saturday 23 March 5:05 pm AEDT – Western Force v Queensland Reds at HBF Park, Perth on Stan Sport
I expected more from the Reds last week. They got bullied by a side that was bigger than them and it looked like adults against children for a while. The Force however, look much more settled and better drilled. Add in the travel and a few sore Communist bodies and this one is the Force’s methinks.
Fearless Prediction: Force by 14
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Shite Luck #1.
I get injuries happen, but if Isaac Henry didn’t constantly have bad luck, he’d have no luck at all. The bullocking Reds back was in sensational form this season, so much so that I couldn’t see The Squatter returning to the starting side anytime soon. But a ruptured patella tendon from a kick (told you kicking sucks) will see the young man miss the remainder of the year.
Good luck to Mr Henry and if you ever wanted to appear of a podcast or two, well……..
Shite Luck #2: The Sequel.
Same for Emily Chancellor. rugby.com.au reports the just returned Tahs star will miss the entire 2024 after tearing her ACL against the Ponies last Saturday. Showing her class, Chancellor said:
“I believe things happen for a reason and as much as I don’t want to be in this position, I’m sure that I will reflect on this recovery and return as a growth opportunity.“
If you wanted to appear on a podcast or two EC, I might have a spot available.
‘Shoulders’ to the Wheel?
stuff.co.nz reports Owen ‘Shoulders’ Farrell not ruling out a return to the Soap Dodgers or FUKIRs tours next year. I guess it helps when your dad is the coach and selector? Shoulders also talks about the incessant booing from supporters at last year’s RWC and the subsequent mental health toll he endured. Imagine if he were a First Australian athlete and had to endure the same! Why does that ring a bell again? Where’s Andrew Bolt and his lot now? Maybe burning crosses somewhere I guess.
Tiger Spotted
Breaking news last night that Cement Perese will become a Leicester Tiger from next year. The 26 yo has signed a multi year contract that will see him miss a chance to play the FUKIRs and perhaps the home RWC.
Who can really blame him? Despite his form this year he’s probably behind an imperious Josh Flook and the always quality Sticky Ikitau for the Orange #13, so why not make some euro while the sun shines. One thing’s for sure, there’s always a home for Cement in Sky Blue.
Boob Bravery
A really interesting read and personal insight from Red Rose, Rosie Galligan’s journey and subsequent very personal decision on stuff.co.nz. As a fellow sufferer with moobs (man boobs), I fully appreciate the daily implications of being plus sized in that area, let alone playing rugby with them. Interesting.
Sammy can you hear me, SOS.
It seems the new ABs coach with fresh ideas has already run out of ideas. So much so that rugbypass.com reports an SOS for Sam Whitelock has gone out to shore up NZ lock depth. However, in some disappointing news to the already blunted Razor, Sean Fitzpatrick has ruled himself out of a comeback, but thanked Razor for his inquiries.
Agreeing with Nigel
Yep. I feel odd for doing so too. planetrugby.com has more.
Until next week.
Go the Tahs!
Hoss – out.
