Bienvenido a viernes amigos.
Time to celebrate your inner Mexican, peoples. Grab your sombreros, prepare the nachos, wash it all down with a tequila shot or two and lock your underpaid and illegal house servants in the basement, as this Friday’s Rugby News heads south to the sporting capital of Victoria: Melbourne
First up today we look at a the scourge infecting the Tahs with: ‘The Kicking Curse’. Look at the teams, times and fearless predictions for this weekend’s SRP Super Round in ‘Anyone Home?’. We take an intimate look into the life of a rugby referee with ‘So Ronery’. Then jump across the globe for a closer look at a French robbery in ‘The Italian Job’. And wrap up another week with a jam-packed ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, still officially unnamed by ASIO.
The Kicking Curse.
I had the misfortune of visiting Australia’s Dengue Fever capital last weekend and ‘enjoyed’ 114% humidity, Yowie’s company and got to witness first hand an ailment that inflicted Tah sides for far too long: shite kicking. Actually it wasn’t just that, it was also the countless ‘dumb’ kicks as well.
No other SRP side has the propensity for its game managers to kick so consistently poorly as the Tahs do. And it’s not only the poor execution, it’s the complete lack of rugby nous to know when to roost it, against when to hold it. More often then not they are kicking when the game dynamic, or opportunity at that moment, dictates they should do anything but kick the pill.
Now I know Spanners Foley has left the Tahs, but the ghost of Spanners still haunts this franchise. Last week in BrisVegas, I could have sworn Spanners was still in the sky blue of the Tahs so bad was the kicking. And it wasn’t just Ed Sheeran @ #10, but also Jake ‘Commissioner’ Gordon and serial recidivist Joey ‘Jon-Boy’ Walton.
There were all the usual traits on display. The shanked 12 metre touch finder from a great angle, when any sort of half-decent kick would have found the Tahs 10m out and with an attacking lineout. There was the usual missed touch finder from a penalty kick. There were box kicks too deep to challenge, clearing kicks down the pipe of one of the Commies back three. There were kicks on turnover pill 40 out from the Reds line. There were kicks when we had (rare) penalty advantage. Just on that I hear Izzy Perese has been cited for giving himself concussion. Apparently The Squatter has no case to answer as Perese clearly attacked the top of Paisami’s head with his own chin!
And so it was midway through the second half with the Tahs still in the contest and 40m out from the Commies line and only a few phases in, so what does JBW do? Naturally, he kicks it. He doesn’t kick for his outside man, he doesn’t ‘kick pass’ it as Finn Russell so sublimely executes. He doesn’t kick so his side can challenge it or regather it. He doesn’t kick for territory, he just kicks it. Indeed I doubt he even knows why he kicked it at all.
And so it came to pass that one Jordan of Nazareth has the aimless kick covered. JON then pulls the sweetest of ‘soccer’ strikes out of his large backside; he hits it as sweet, as flush and with the same innate timing that ‘Nemesis’ hit the Liberal Party and hammers it 50-60m downfield. The strike lands pure, just inside touch and the history books show the Tahs lose more territory than First Nations people did to the Ardani coal mine. But more than just territory, all momentum was also lost, perhaps too was belief, certainly the wind had gone from the sails. All from an aimless, futile and listless kick once more.
Tired, jaded and ready to strangle their game managers, who kick more erratically than Barnaby Joyce does when it’s suggested he give up the sauce a while, the Tahs forwards put it in reverse and trudge back deep in their own half. And what happens next, right on cue? They lose their own lineout throw and two phases later, our next gold #7 and MOTM Fraser-somebody, gets a deserved meat pie and it’s ‘goodnight nurse’.
Just where did this whole sequence of events have its origins again?
It drives me insane and it’s repeated, week, after week, after week, after week. I first noticed it when Spanners was at the Tahs, something he then infected the Wallabies with. Sometimes his kicks were so bad, he wouldn’t kick it at all, but that’s another story. Another of the Tahs, turned Wallaby, turned Lavatory Lothario, would also endlessly put in aimless grubber upon grubber, upon grubber both in blue and orange jersey. Usually just gifting opposition the pill in great field position. It’s a kicking curse that’s infected the NSW side for at least a decade. And no one seems to be doing anything about this kicking curse.
For the love of (insert deity here) if you’re going to kick it, kick it for contested possession, kick it for territorial or attacking gain. If you’re going to kick to relieve pressure, then kick it into row H. The new laws are going to reward ambitious and aggressive ‘kick returns’ and punish poor kicks or poor kick chase and that folks, the Tahs have in abundance as evidenced at Suncorp.
If the Tahs are going to continue to kick dumb, like last Saturday then a place outside the finals beckons this year. Because teams, especially Kiwi teams, will eat them alive.
Anyone Home?
Famed for its world record lockdowns, gangland hits, pitch invasions, ability to insult foreign tennis players and other stuff no one really cares about, Mexico will again host this year’s Super Rugby’s Super Round, but for the last time. Sounds super.
Fans from all round the world, well unemployed Kiwis who bludge on our welfare, will pack out eight rows of AAMI stadium as the teams go head to chin head to head for this weekend’s rugby festival. After last weekend are Oz fans buoyed or bothered by your side’s chances now the goat shaggers have landed here en masse? Best you read on methinks.
Teams – Happy’s article yesterday had all the team news. And its not to late to join the G&GR SRP Tipping comp and Fantasy League.
Friday 1 March 6:00 pm AEDT – Highlanders v Blues at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
Fearless Prediction: Blues by 16
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Damon Murphy, Marcus Playle.
Friday 1 March 8:10 pm AEDT – Melbourne Rebels v Western Force at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
The Rebels were horrid last week and frankly went missing up front. Did they try too hard, did outside noise prove to much to carry? Who the hell knows, but they were rank and lucky not to have 50 put on them.
The Force, well their propping stocks are wafer thin. They don’t have the cattle, full stop, end of story. They might be ok from #6-15, but who’s going to win them enough ball to play rugby?
Fearless Predictions: Rebels by 19 and should the Rebels fluff their lines again? Last one out turn off the lights.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: James Doleman, Reuben Keane
Saturday 2 March 5:00 pm AEDT – Moana Pasifika v Fijian Drua at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
MP were in it up to their necks last week and look to have improved over last year’s woeful season, but they need to. The Drua were well off the pace, but they are still both supreme athletes and rugby players and this could be a cracking and high scoring affair.
Fearless Prediction: Drua by 5 and score at fulltime to steal it.
Referee: James Mabey Assistant Referees: Damon Murphy, Mike Winter
Saturday 2 March 7:35 pm AEDT – Crusaders v NSW Waratahs at AAMI Park on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
Hard to gauge? Well, not really.
The Tahs got beat up by the conditions, an energetic and revitalised Reds side and their own players wearing jerseys #9, #10 & #12 hell bent on giving the ball back to the Reds in really favourable areas of the field. Just so the Tahs forwards could make even more tackles in Darwinesque conditions!
There were flashes of some good rugby and some outstanding efforts in the forwards, but sprinkled with the manure of shite kicks, so it was really hard to get a form line. And look, the Crusaders now are kinda ‘Saders-light’ compared to recent years ain’t they? They’ve got the two old guys from the Muppets as their prop reserves. No Whitelock, Jordan or Princess Mo’unga. Besides, Rob Penney got sacked by the Tahs, so how good a coach can he really be?
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 17. That’s if they can sort out the kicking curse and pronto. Otherwise…….
Referee: Brendon Pickerill Assistant Referees: Dan Waenga, Marcus Playle
Sunday 3 March 2:00 pm AEDT – Chiefs v ACT Brumbies at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
Game of the round by some margin. The two early pace setters. Both are in their stride already. I really enjoyed Noah 2.0 playing much flatter at the line and underplaying his hand to the benefit of those around him last week. He looked sharp, confident and very clear on his game. Certainly he beat Flash Gordon by some distance in the battle of the #10s. It wasn’t a TKO either, it was an early rounds knockout.
Toole’s first try was a thing of beauty. Someone help his D and we have one Wallaby winger locked away already. Their ain’t no replacement for displacement and this kid’s got gas. Proper grass-scorching acceleration.
Also impressed with the debut of Charlie Cale. An #8’s got no right to score that first try of his. Skills, pace and a big engine. Watch this space.
The Chuffs were awesome against this year’s 6th placed finishers, the Crusaders. At one stage it looked like it could blow out in favour of the Chiefs, but the Saders do what the Saders do and it went down to the wire and an awesome first up match for 2024.
This will be a ding-dong battle and won’t be settled till the 84th minute methinks.
Fearless Prediction: Brumbies by 3 after multiple lead changes.
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Mike Winter, Dan Waenga
Sunday 3 March 4:30 pm AEDT – Hurricanes v Queensland Reds at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
Hmmm, it seems one win and the whole communist state is suffering from premature celebration and a sharp spike in cousins procreating.
So depressed, so downtrodden, so abjectly miserable in their sorry excuse of a life are the residents of Northern Cuba that one win, at home, with a friendly ref prepared to let foul play go and with stifling humidity means they are the new champions?
I must admit in Liam Wright, his brother Fraser and supported by Gunnedah turncoat Dirty Harry Wilson they have among the best loose trio in all Super Rugby. And they play like that too. And the star of the trio in my blue eyed opinion? One L Wright. This guy is every inch the Scott Fardy of today and he gets SFA plaudits for it. He calls the lineout, he jumps, never misses a tackle, cleans out, links with the fairies and all the while is largely unseen by even his own fans. Reckon he won’t be unseen by St Joe Schmidt though and that would be just rewards.
The Canes? Pffft, no Ardie Savea, no chance. Besides, if you can beat the Tahs, the Canes will be a doddle.
Fearless Prediction: Reds by 9 and so it begins.
Referee: Jordan Way Assistant Referees: Nic Berry, Damon Murph
So Ronery.
Been a growing crescendo in media of late relating to the treatment and sickening vile threats to rugby union match officials. I admit on occasion I have had a tanty or two or these pages, usually around All Black Fanboy #1, Nigel Owens, or the French temporary law inventor Monsieur Raynal. But make a death threat or bring an officials families into it? No way, at least that they can prove anyway.
So it was refreshing for me to listen to referee Graham Cooper on The Dropped Kickoff Podcast this week with Nick and RA’s Neil Whiting. My ears really pricked up when he made the salient point that ‘refs are also fans of the game’. And I certainly have tended to forget that bit.
So this week, for something different, a tribute to the pea blowers. And acknowledgement for the time invested so we can enjoy rugby. The sacrifices they make when away from loved ones and their guide dogs. The flack they undeservedly cop (except you Raynal) and the effort and dedication on show every week to help make our great game greaterer.
And a reminder if you don’t think it takes a mental toll, think again. Here’s Australia’s finest pea blower Gus Gardner talking to himself, he’s just so ronery. Really confronting stuff. Who’d be a ref huh!
Angus Gardner – shadow reffing.
The Italian Job.
It would appear France with no Dupont is like a motorbike with one wheel. It kinda works, sort of, but bloody hell it makes for an uncomfortable journey.
To put it bluntly: Italy was robbed, or as they say in Italian ‘we needa more concrete?’
The Italians absolutely tackled their hearts out last weekend in Lille, only for their kicker Paolo Garbisi to be denied by the combination of a post, a wobbly kicking tee, a wandering Frog water boy, the shot clock, another Frog player walking directly towards the kicker and a ref who shelved the whistle at the death. Apart from all of that, you then had the shadow of history beckoning, to be forever etched in the history books of Italian rugby as ‘the man’, it really was a ‘sitter’.
With scores locked at 13 all, having just won a turnover, 28m out and 15m to the left of the French upright it looked likely that the mighty Azurri were about to pants France at home for the first time ever!
Les Frogs went down to 14 players right on halftime when French Hunter Paisami, Jonathan Danty, made an upright tackle with direct head-on-head contact on Juan Ignacio Brex. He was given a yellow card, which was almost instantly upgraded by the bunker to a red.
France played well enough in the first half to suggest a comprehensive victory looked likely, but the Italians tackled with steely resolve, dedication and a commitment to do the nation proud, something that Alfa Romeo really should look into.
But it wasn’t to be. The scores finished at 13-13. Paolo Garbisi even apologised to his team and fans. And so it was that the French averted embarrassment and ridicule, the like of which has not been seen since 1939-45.
You can watch the final moments and the kick, courtesy of Elon Musk Tube
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Kiss and Make Up.
New Reds saviour, after a staggering and record-equalling one win in a row, Wendy Matthews, offers an interesting insight into the ‘snobbery’ of a loig boy trying to make it big in union. SMH has more.
Short for his weight?
Look, as a fellow sufferer of a lowish height to weight ratio, I am in no position to question the growing girth of a recent Rebels prop signing. But, watching last week I would swear that the gent in question has been in a rather good paddock during the off season and feed has been bountiful.
Izaac Quadda
No luck at all for the big Force lock. On the verge of a comeback after long injury the big unit has injured his quad and won’t likely be back until March 23. Here’s hoping he can get some game time and push his way back towards the orange jersey.
Penney for your thoughts?
Spare a thought for former Tahs coach Rob Penney when his Crusaders take on the Tahs this weekend. As a Tahs fan I thought he was a good man and a good coach who, like many Kiwi coaches here (hmmmm), copped it in the neck for no reason at all. stiff.co.nz has more
Faz Racing Away.
The man who puts the ‘no’ into ‘no arms tackles’, Mr Owen Farrell has announced he is off to Racing 92 next year. Faz clocks up game number #250 for Saracens in March and say what you will, that and his test record make him a player of some note, talent and longevity.
Houston, come in Houston.
Technology is great, well, when it works anyway. A bit of a ruckus about Anton Leinert-Brown’s removal from the field at a critical time last week for a HIA, from data recorded from his smart mouthguard. Turns out the data actually related to an earlier impact, but the data was ‘delayed’ from the mouthguard to the ‘responder’ causing a somewhat surprised ALB being yanked some time later.
Any idea is only ever as good as its implementation. stiff.co.nz has more.
Christmas is Coming
Don’t get caught short again. Show your loved ones how much you care about yourself and buy some G&GR merchandise, as seen on STAN’s ‘Between Two Posts’ last Monday Night.
Until next week. Come on Aussies and go the Tahs.
Hoss – out.
