It is a Monday morning after the first round of the Super Rugby season, deep in the corridors of the specially built ARU “Doomsday Prep” Catastrophe Bunker. Bright and sunny outside, inside there is a sense of urgency and gloom. The air is thick with dramatic irony.
The scene opens inside a small room. A steel bolted door is on one side, and team sheets, player profiles, video cassettes and overflowing ashtray’s fill the room. A large pile of wooden splinters is in one corner. Two men are inside; one paces relentlessly while chain-smoking. The other has the resigned look of someone who simply cannot win, no matter what he says.
Michael Cheika (MC): Damn. I can never remember. Do I wear the blue shirt or the gold shirt on a Monday?
Lackey (L): Shall I place a call to Mr Pulver and ask him?
MC: You shall not, minion. I’m in charge here! But speaking of Bill, has he sent his weekly tribute yet?
L: No sir, Bunnings have run out of doors, so Mr Pulver is trying to source some direct from the Forestry Department in Tasmania.
MC: Lovely thing, doors. They splinter in such a comforting manner.
L: Yes sir.
MC: Enough yabbering, minion. I’ve decided today I’m the Wallaby coach, so it’s time to see which Australian players will be gifted a gig in my “team of the week”. Now, get Tony McGahan on the phone; I need to know what the Rebels team this Friday will be.
L: Sir, we have been through this. The provincial coaches don’t like telling you what their team will be before the Waratahs play them.
MC: But it’s a gold day! I’m the Wallaby coach today! I have no interest in using that information to assist the Waratahs when they play the Rebels this week. Tell McGahan to get behind the Wallabies, or I’ll be down there to personally make that point to him.
L: Sir, you have been banned from attending the training sessions of the other provinces this year.
MC: Well, that’s just great. How the hell can we get united, leading into a RWC campaign? Remember, it’s all about “Bring Back Bill”!
L: I’ll get him straight away sir.
MC: What? Who? No! Not Bill Pulver. I mean BILL! The RWC trophy!
L: Yes sir.
MC: Where are my assistants? Why can’t they sort this crap out for me? Must I do everything?
L: Well, Mr Larkham is preparing his Brumbies, and Mr Foley is up to his nuts in Force training.
MC: Why aren’t they in gold today, like me?
L: I believe they are attending to a few players who got injured on the weekend sir.
MC: Really? Which players?
L: They won’t say sir.
MC: Bastards. They need to learn where their priorities lie. So, McGahan won’t tell me what his team sheet looks like?
L: No sir.
MC: What about his injury list? That’s pretty important, don’t you think? I’m trying to put a Wallaby team together. Get that for me, stat.
L (shuffling papers): Yes sir. I have Mr McGahan’s reply to your question from the last time you asked.
MC: Well? What is it?
L: Mr McGahan says get stuffed, sir.
(A violent silence fills the room)
MC (gently): Minion, did Robbie Deans ever have this problem when he was Wallaby coach?
L: Oh, yes sir. We hated that Kiwi bastard sir. The provincial coaches thought he was sending information straight to Steve Hansen.
MC: Ha! I knew it! No wonder we could never beat the All-Blacks! Deans was helping them!
L: Well, not really sir. Not at all in fact. Mr Deans was a great ambassador for Oz rugby sir. We were just shit, to be honest.
MC: So he could attend a provincial training session and consult with the provincial coaches, and I can’t? Idiocy! Link came and spoke to me all the time when he was the Wallabies coach. I’m Australian! I’m the new Wallaby coach!
L: You are also the Waratahs coach sir.
MC: Holy hell! I told you! Not today! I’m in gold today! I’m a friggin’ professional, and I can do two jobs at once.
(Phone rings)
L (speaking on the phone): Oh dear. Ok, I’ll tell him. (Hangs up phone)
L (to MC): Sir, it appears the media have some incriminating photos of a few Waratahs players from last night sir.
MC: Perfect. Just what I need. I’m on my way. Tell Bill to call a press conference. Oh, and hand me that blue shirt, will you?
