Greetings and salutations rugby lovers and welcome to this Halloween edition of Friday’s Rugby News. Spoooooooky.
The northern tour is upon us and so too is your fact-free Friday, so let’s hook in. First up it’s our golden warriors in Ol’ Blighty with ‘Grand Slam? Thank you Mam!’. Then go inside Horse Racing NSW camp Wallaby for ‘Flogging a dead horse’. Investigate nefarious goings on with ‘Plum crazy?’. Preview some other rugby matches this weekend in ‘And then’. Take a nightmarish wander into the sporting future at ‘Frankenstein Footy’ before farewelling another working week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’ showing you how a $20 trick, really is a treat.
Grand Slam? Thank you Mam!
England v Australia at Allianz Stadium Twickenham in London, Saturday, 1 November 3:10pm GMT/2:10am AEDT (Sunday) on Stan.
What odds a grand slam to our Wallabies? OK, so maybe not against the home nations of Poms, Northern Kiwis, Dad’s Army and the other one but, as in a victory against the four northern teams we’re playing. Why the hell not I say and it all starts against the perennially over-estimated Poms this weekend and gets even easier after that.
All the news this week is about George Ford’s selection in the English side. Yep, George Ford. Surely if ever there was a name so vanilla, so ‘Disney-rated’ in world rugby, that best summed up the grand sporting ambition of an entire rugby loving nation it’s ‘George Ford’. Not Jerry Collins, or Tana Umaga, or Maá Nonu. Not even Dan Carter, or Richie (you know you’ve made it when you were bestowed only one name like Richie. Pele, Madonna or Hoss). Nor is it some physical behemoth like Sebastien Chabal, standing 9’3″ tall and equally as wide across the shoulders. Nope, the Australians are quivering in fear in their hotel rooms as the English librarian picked at #10 ‘might’ kick the ball high, and fairly regularly at that. OMG Gaggers. OMG! Thank god we don’t have a Max Jorgensen, Harry Potter or Joseph Suaalii in our side, who can burn the Poms worse than a temperate winter’s day on the Gold Coast.
It seems every time and every year we arrive at this point, we are told just how good (insert English coach’s name here) sides are, and just how much they will beat our lot by, and how dangerous their fat forwards are, that their backs will be far too dynamic for ours. Yep, the same current coach Borthwick, whose side has won exactly nothing under his tenure. Not a 6N. Not a RWC, not even a meat raffle at a Twickers local on a Thursday after training. Meanwhile our lot have won twice as many World Cups and remain unbeaten at Twickers under St Joe. Sure, we may not’ve won back-to-back games in England since 2008-2009 but, that’s so much better a worse record than our Bledisloe record so, well, take that butcher boys.
Sure, it’s all grist for the mill and a bit of sports banter, as beautifully illustrated by Kiwi English cricket captain, Ed Sheehan, and their famous 5-0 ‘moral victory’ last Ashes Tour (that saw the urn remain with Australia). And I know I shouldn’t expect much from the nation that brought us colonialism, smallpox, grave robbing, mass artifact theft and attempted genocide (nice English Breakfast tea though), but that’s what makes the Wallabies pending victory even sweeter. Overcoming reg#9 (designed by the north to protect the north – just on that SMH reports that O’Connor, Hooper and Sticky all have this weekend off. Go figure), a busy test year, an Italian robbery in Melbourne that cost us the series and the smugness of the land of the smug just serves to make the pending victory all that more sweeter.
The Wallabies welcome back their big guns for this one with Tupou, Frost, Valetini, McReight, Wilson, Suaalii, Jorgensen and Alaalatoa all back in the XXIII. In other good news, Salakaia-Loto has recovered from an injury against Japan to take his spot on the pine.
England: George Ford is all they need apparently, as for the rest, who really cares.
Wallabies: 1. Angus Bell 2. Billy Pollard 3. Taniela Tupou 4. Nick Frost 5. Jeremy Williams 6. Rob Valetini 7. Fraser McReight 8. Harry Wilson (c) 9. Jake Gordon 10. Tane Edmed 11. Harry Potter 12. Hunter Paisami 13. Joseph-Aukuso Suaalii 14. Max Jorgensen 15. Andrew Kellaway
Reserves: 16. Josh Nasser 17. Tom Robertson 18. Allan Alaalatoa 19. Lukhan Salakaia-Loto 20. Nick Champion de Crespigny 21. Ryan Lonergan 22. Hamish Stewart 23. Filipo Daugunu
Fearless Prediction: Wallabies by 16. No flick pass needed this time.
Match Officials: Referee: Nika Amuse-bouche-keli (GRU) Assistant Referee 1: James ‘Cyclone’ Doleman (NZR) Assistant Referee 2: Craig Jones-Wyn-Wright-Boyo Evans (WRU) TMO: Eric Gauzins (FFR) FRPO: Matteo ‘Viva Andrea’ Liperini (FIR)
Flogging a dead horse.
Reg #9. 15 tests in a year. Most players carrying a ‘niggle’ and five tests in five weeks. Forget the fitness of our players, it’s the quality of our coaches and their recovery programs that’s about to be sorely tested. From S&C to player rotation, the true value and depth of our squad is about to be laid bare for all to see. Kinda makes you begrudgingly admire what Jaco Johan and his lot have developed with the Boks don’t it. If I didn’t despise them so very much, I’d admire them (what’s Afrikaans for ‘bastards’ again? Is it ‘Afrikaans’?).
For next week’s match against the Coach Killers, Italy, St Joe can call on Will Skelton, JOC, Sticky and Mongo Hooper to bolster the cavalry as the match (and the two after) fall within reg #9. And if I might proffer this, Joe, I understand you’re piddling back off to the lands of an unexplained increase in lamb birthing rates next year but, for FFS DO NOT rest players against Italy. It’s been done before, and the results were Eddie Friggin’ Jones hoisted upon us unsuspecting rugby folk causing higher stress levels than a town planner in Gaza.
For the second time this year, rugby.com.au and Nathan’s cadet, Nick-somebody, has a good article to explain. I was particularly interested to read about the sleep protocols and specific food consumption that aids in player recovery. I always found a kebab at 3:00am worked miracles myself.
Plum crazy?
To squeeze, or nut to squeeze? That is the question.
There’s always a room for a touch of Tom/Tinafoolery on a rugby field. A cheeky bump here, a late hit there, or perhaps even a whispered sledge in close quarters, to get under an opponent’s skin. But, when it comes to the fabled ‘squirrel grip’, surely that’s a bridge too far?
Planetrugby.com has the latest in the tale of Bulls, Springbok and alleged teste-twister, Jan-Hendrik Wessels, and his failed attempt to have his 9 week suspension downgraded. He should consider himself lucky. Who among us will forget the, ahem, ‘stocktake’ Joe ‘The Mauler’ Marler gave Welsh legend Alun Wyn Jones? Indeed the fact that Marler and Wyn Jones briefly considered dating afterwards saved The Mauler from a penalty greater than the initial 10 weeks he received. A stiffer penalty may well have been forthcoming. So to speak.
Oh the humanity.
And then.
Apparently some other sides are also playing this weekend, G&GR (but mostly Stan) has you covered. All times are God’s land AEDT:
Scotland v USA: Murrayfield Gas Oval Place. Sunday, 2 November 4:30am. Fearless Prediction: Seppos by 3
South Africa v Japan: Wembley Stadium. Sunday, 2 November 3:00am Stan. Fearless Prediction: Boks by 48.
Dad’s Army v The Darkness: Soldier Field Stadium Chicago. Sunday, 2 November 6:00am Fearless Prediction: Two assistant coaches shot and one team bus stolen, all before halftime. Oh and the Kiwis by 19.
Frankenstein Footy
It’s alive!
What happens when the gentlemanly father of noble pedigree is thrust into a forced meeting with the illegitimate child of a drunken tryst with his second cousin and spectators are invited to attend as well? And this abomination created on the eve of Halloween at that.
The SMH reports a hybrid game of union/gaol ball occurred in Sydney on Wednesday between Barker College, Hornsby (union) and St Gregory’s College, Campbelltown (loig). While the Range Rovers were parked on one side and the paddy wagons tother, there were more than a few notable former greats of both codes in attendance to watch these young athletes go round. Indeed I’d imagine a plethora of player agents might have also been at the match, in case local dogs needed more fleas. The event seems to have been played in good spirits and with mutual disdain for R360 as a catalyst to get a game organised.
Some interesting trial rules (laws?) were used, including:
- Team in possession obeying league rules in their own half
- Switching to union laws when in opposition half
- a 60 second shot clock when in attack on either side of halfway
Thankfully this Frankenstein Footy ended as (insert deity name here) intended with Barker winning 47-5. It’s only fair that I point out that a large number of St Greg’s side were absent due to HSC commitments. And yes there are several HSC, public school versus private school jokes that I’ve left on the table for the appearance of balance in this article. And it’s absolutely killing me. But then again, I went to a public school so, ‘up yours’ toffs. There.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Reflective Mauler
Time has soothed the angry beast that once lurked in the shadowy soul of ‘never packed square in his life but, we still love him in Oz’, Aussie Joe Marler. Joe opens up when only 15 cameras are around while on some reality show called ‘I’m a former Pommy prop, get me out of here’ on UK TV. He may not’ve been perfect, but he was a straight whisky in a land of shandys when it came to pure sports entertainment. planetrugby.com has more.
Kiwis have ‘Grind Slum’ umbitions.
The Darkness are chasing their own Grand Slam this northern tour, that means they’ll lose all four assistant coaches by the end of the tour while beating Dad’s Army, Scotland, Poms and a match against a Tier 2 rugby nation to finish.
Call me devilishly good looking for a fat guy (and a tad cynical) but, does anybody, even KARL, believe that an assistant coach would leave an ABs setup on the eve of a Grind Slum tour if all was well on Planet Razor? Methinks not. stuff.cuz.brew has more.
Biggar better.
Not often I could ever side with the former whining Welsh #10 but, in this instance he has a fair point. Again planetrugby.com has the story.
Ranking: makes you go blind.
Turns out my mother was completely wrong on that front! Now, where are my glasses? Oh, I’m wearing them. Here are the current rankings from worldrugby.com. As it affects our Wallabies, come on NZ! A Kiwi and a Wallaby win will surely bump us into the #6 for now. And a reminder you can use this site for real time tracking/forecasting for rankings
Until next week. In Joe we trust. Go you golden things.
Hoss – out.
