Greetings from Lake Hunter Valley in what has been one of the wettest weeks in the history of record keeping.
Today we throw ourselves into a huge weekend of rugby reckoning. So wipe the mud from your boots and off we go. We kick start with ‘Romper Stomper: opinion’. Acknowledge the little engine who could in ‘Thank you, Moana’. Farewell a big chunk of flesh with ‘Bye Bye Belly’. Preview the test between Wallaroos and America’s 51st state at ‘We hate America, too’. Join me for another Friday interview exclusive (*) in ‘Between JOC & a hard place’. Before piling the sandbags around another rugby week for ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, just back from playing marriage counsellor in Canberra, helping remove the ‘No’ from The No-alition.
Romper Stomper: opinion.
Not content with stomping on our jobs, our economy and the future of our children, the Seppos are at it again. This time stomping on the head, face, neck and shoulder of Wallaroos national treasure G-Fred (Georgia Friedrichs). And the punishment for this heinous act of rugby bastardry? Why, just three weeks out (one test and two club games back in Trumpville) and writing out 100 times: ‘I will not stomp. I will not stomp’. It’s a bloody joke.
It is incomprehensible to this writer fat guy, surrounded by a lake that wasn’t there last week, that Helter Kelter didn’t get stamped out herself for a long, long time. The MINIMUM punishment she should’ve got is 12 weeks and that only if it was reduced from a starting point of 16-18 weeks. She lashed out numerous times, knowing full well that there was an opposition player there. This was no reflex action, or high contact, or poor body positioning nor poor tackling technique. This was a deliberate, malicious and cruel attempt to injure a fellow player. Full stop.
Let’s be clear, in my opinion, Kelter is a thug and a cheat. To give her a slap on the wrist and three weeks out for her actions is a disgrace to the game and those associated with the decision. Put simply, the judiciary panel involved must be incompetent cowards and/or complete and utter morons.
What message does the three week sanction for this thuggery send to those young girls and women who play our game? What message does it send to parents, about the protection and standards the game will uphold to protect their children?
And in yet further evidence of the law of unintended consequences, whispers have also reached the Ponderosa that given the inability of the Judiciary Panel to issue appropriate sanctions, amateur opthalmologist, Richard Loe is now considering a comeback. And (allegedly) is running around the Poxy Isles telling anyone who listens that he’s now identifying as a Black Fern.
Perhaps the last word on this should go to the Wallaroos themselves. They were able to show grace and dignity, while still conveying their incredulity around the punishment: rugby.com.au has more.
The punishment issued is a bloody disgrace.
Thank you, Moana.
Super Rugby 2025 is still well and truly alive, and a hardy ‘thank you’ must go to Moana Pasifika. By beating the Blues they’ve left the door slightly ajar for the Tahs to make the top six. Sure the Tahs actual chances of making the finals are about the same as Ben-Roberts Smith’s chances of becoming an ambassador for Prosthetics Australia: ‘you can play 18 holes with it and go home and drink from it all night. Who wouldn’t want one?’. But a chance is still a chance, after all.
With the Brumbies (43 points), Blues (28 points) and the Drua (20 points) all on a bye, the table is very much live with only the Force and The Highlanders unable to make the six. The other nine sides are still in the hunt. Catch all the team news with Happy’s Thursday News, for fearless predictions based on no facts at all, read on:
Friday May 23 5:05 pm AEST – Crusaders v Highlanders at Apollo Projects Stadium, Wellington, on Stan Sport.
Crusaders: 3rd 41 points. Highlanders: 11th 19 points
The equation is simple. Highlanders cannot realistically (barring a miracle) make the finals, they can play to avoid the spoon. The Saders can finish anywhere from third to first, especially with the Brumbies (43 points) on a bye this weekend.
Fearless Prediction: Saders by lots.
Friday May 23 7:35 pm AEST – Queensland Reds v Hurricanes at Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane on Stan Sport
Reds: 4th 32 points. Hurricanes: 5th 30 points
Go ahead punk, make my day.
That’s right Coinslanders, Dirty Harry Wilson is back baby and ready to rip in. Filipo Daugunu is moved to the #11 jersey to make way for The Squatter and Dr Dre as a centre pairing. Sleepy Lynagh is back from his concussion lay off, although Seru Uru is still out injured.
The Canes, well, they look rather dangerous and I just can’t shake the feeling that this Reds side is all huff, but no puff. I’ve said before, the Communists are my second favourite nearly Australian side, but lean in close for a second while I whisper a secret: I think they’re a tad soft up the middle, And it’s here the Canes will first belt them and later blast them out wide.
Fearless Prediction: Canes by 12.
Saturday May 24 5:05 pm AEST – Chiefs v Moana Pasifika at FMG Stadium Waikato, Hamilton, on Stan Sport
Chiefs: 2nd 41 points. Moana Pasifika: 6th 28 points
There’s nothing more elusive to find in sport than momentum. It appears from nowhere and sometimes takes players and teams to places they never dreamed they could get to. And Moana Pasifika have some serious momentum (they also have a fairly useful bloke called Ardie Savea in their ranks).
As for the Chiefs, for mine they are the best side in the competition. Big, skilled and physical in the forwards. Electric and elusive in the backs. They’re at home and on song. But….one look at the referee and I see Mr Doleman is in charge. So the rucks will be the rugby equivalent of a bulldog eating porridge. There’ll be mess, slop and shite everywhere. And that suits MP more than it suits the Chiefs.
Fearless Prediction: Ardie’s avengers by 3, in extra time.
Saturday May 24 7:35 pm AEST – Western Force v NSW Waratahs at HBF Park, Perth, on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
Force: 9th place 22 points. Waratahs 8th 22 points
Soulless, cowardly, pathetic, uninspired, insipid rubbish.
And that’s just Chuckles McKellar’s words from last week’s performance. If not, they should’ve been. A jar of snot pretending to be caviar is akin to what the Tahs dished out against the Crusaders. If it wasn’t so very sad it’d be funny.
For me the issues with the Tahs were best summed up by the likes of The Soufflé, Miles Amatosero. He pretends to be hard but is rather very soft. He’s quick to run in for the push and shove and be the big dog in the pack with his chirping, sledging and clapping. But when it really matters, when there’s a tackle to be made or a ruck to be hit, where is he again? Yep, nowhere to be seen. Perhaps ‘Chuck Norris’ should be his nickname, cause he is forever MIA.
The Force, well their ladder position and finals chances is 100% unreflective of what they’ve done as a side this season or the quality of the rugby they’ve played and the talent of the men that make up their side. If the Tahs want to look at what it’s like to be a team, maybe take a peak over the fence of Camp Force, for while results may not show it they are a far better rugby collective than that at the Tahs. That said, this is the Force’s last match for the year as they finish with a bye next week and no amount of wins, losses, or ladder confabulations will get them into the six while the Tahs have the Blues next week to finish season proper.
On the force, how is it feasible that they have travelled as far as they have this year, something like 55,000km, with a round trip of 14,000km involved in last week’s Drua match alone. Sure travel will always be a factor, but how does something like this sound for the Force’s seasons travel instead:
- Home game start
- Away: Play the Brumbies
- Away: Play the Tahs
- Away: Play the Reds
- Fly home bye
- Play at home
- Play at home
- Play at home
- NZ Match
- NZ Match
- NZ Match
- NZ/Drua Match
- Fly home bye
- Play at home
- Play at home
- Play at home
Seven home games, seven away games. Travel blocks, instead of travel miles. And byes after each travel block.
Anyway, the Tahs have escaped Lake NSW and will face the Force in Perth, whose season is done and dusted. But you can bet your bottom dollar thenForce love nothing better than to jam it up NSW sideways. And who says they won’t.
Fearless Prediction: I dare not say.
Bye Bye Belly.
News late this week that Waratah and Wallabies dynamo, Angus Bell, is off to drink pints and occasionally play some rugby in Oirland.
Bell, who is signed to RA until the end of 2027, has a sabbatical clause in his contract that he’s enacted. Bell will head to Oirish club Ulster at the end of this year and return at the conclusion of the 2026 SRP season, in time for the Nations Cup tests around July.
As someone who occasionally watches the Tahs I acknowledge the big guy’s Guinness adventure will hurt the Tahs somewhat, Actually, probably a lot, especially given the future beyond this year of the Abattoir is TBA. But I’m happy for the Bull to test himself up north; he’s young, fit and with so much upside to his game I don’t doubt for a minute that he won’t return a more well rounded prop. Still young and with three World Cups ahead of him.
Bye for now Belly. Well, after the Tahs make this year’s finals you beat the BILSANZA side, we win the Bledisloe, the RC and the Northern Tour. Then you can go.
We hate America, too.
Friday, 23 May. Wallaroos v Canadia. 4:55pm Live on Stan.
Our golden girls take on proposed Seppo state #51 this weekend in a match between the two Seppo haters that’ll see the winners secure #2 on the Pacific Four ladder.
Wallaroos coach Jo Yapp continues to build depth for the tilt at the RWC later this year. Yapp has made five changes to the side who beat the Seppos last outing, surprisingly naming an all new front row. Other changes sees Charlotte Caslick move to #12 and Biola Dawa make her long-awaited return in Wallaroo gold on the wing.
The Canucks are no slouches when it comes to women’s rugby, with many Sevens stars in their side among some vastly experienced test players. Indeed Caslick will be lining up against two of the Canada 7s players who heaped so much misery on our side and fans in the Paris Olympics.
Although a mathematical chance of winning the PN4 comp, I’ll more than settle for a strong performance and win in this one and lock up #2 spot as the RWC draws near.
Fearless Prediction: Wallaroos by 9.
WALLAROOS TEAM LIST TO FACE CANADA
1. Martha Fua 2. Katalina Amosa 3. Bridie O’Gorman (#180 – Sydney University) – 29 caps 4. Kaitlan Leaney 5. Michaela Leonard 6. Siokapesi Palu (c) 7. Ashley Marsters 8. Tabua Tuinakauvadra 9. Layne Morgan 10. Faitala Moleka 11. Desiree Miller 12. Charlotte Caslick 13. Georgina Friedrichs 14. Biola Dawa 15. Caitlyn Halse Reserves 16. Adiana Talakai17. Bree-Anna Browne Asoiva (Eva) Karpani 19. Ashley Fernandez 20. Emily Chancellor 21. Ruby Anderson 22. Tia Hinds 23. Trilleen Pomare
Between JOC & a hard place.
With the FUKIRs soon to arrive and his team at the pointy end of SRP, yours truly was a guest of Air NZ, Rydges, Tourism NZ and Crusaders Rugby to sit down with JOC3.0 for an exclusive interview(*) in the campervan of wisdom. As we discussed all things rugby and the meaning of life:
H: JOC3.0, welcome to the pages of Friday’s Rugby News. Must be a real treat for you to finally be here
J: Hoss, the winds of rugby destiny have bought us to this point and all is as it’s meant to be. We’re exactly where we are supposed to be at this point in time.
H: Technically I’m supposed to be facing a parole hearing, but I feel you.
J: Bless you, big man
H: In doing some research for this story, well someone telling me in the carpark, your fellow Crusaders teammates refer to you as the ‘Dalai Lama’ of rugby, for the tranquility and zen-like calmness and aura you have around you and because Chinese people hate you. Tell us more.
J: Ahh frigging hell, look at that, my shares in Tesla are down again. Sorry Hoss, what was that?
H: Your aura of calmness?
J: Oh that, yeah. Look, it’s fair to say I’ve had an interesting rugby journey that’s led me to this point. There’ve been some highs, some lows, but all along it was the universe trying to speak with me. But I wasn’t ready to listen.
H: The universe just whispered you should gift G&GR $100,000. Did you hear that as well?
J: Piss off, Hoss.
H: You certainly have had some rollercoaster rugby moments. You had the whole teen prodigy story happening with Dingo Deans proclaiming ‘he’ll play 200 tests’. You kick us to glory against the darkness in Honkers. But later on you were kicked off a plane and arrested in France. There was also an ill-fated Reds comeback that didn’t stick before finally arriving back in Oz in 2019 in this current iteration. A calmer, more disciplined person and rugby player. How much do you thank then Wallaby coach, Michael Cheika, for delivering you from evil?
J: First, Cheik is the greatest coach in the history of Australian rugby and he should be the Reds next coach. As for that other stuff, you don’t have bring everything up Hossman, you’re starting to mess with my chi. But yes, I was too young for the things given to me at that point and didn’t realise the opportunity I’d been gifted. But after a bumpy road, I’ve arrived at a point where I’m very happy and thankful for the journey I’ve had. While some of the lessons were brutal they stood me in good stead to be the man and rugby player I am today.
H: What, even though those lessons bought you to New Zealand?
J: Yeah look, I was travelling around in the Camper of Wisdom, thinking my rugby playing days were over and contemplating a career in coaching. I mean if Eddie Jones can keep getting a start, how hard can it be? I was just digging the chi and then from nowhere Rob Penney calls and says ‘Jick cuz, cum rissque my cureer coz I am a sheet coach. Besides ut’s a wun-wun. You git ta play rugby again und I git a riddy made skipgoat uff ut goes south’.
H: So you got sick of sightseeing in this poxy shithole and head to Christchurch? I guess there’s only so many sheep and mountains you want to look at and think, what the hell, a rugby lifeline?
J: Exactly.
H: Let’s talk Wallabies jersey for the Lions, your form must surely see you be in the frame?
J: Well that’s for St Joe to decide, but I’m putting my best foot forward, that’s for sure and the winds will take me where they take me.
H: How do you rate the chances, given the likes of Sleepy Lynagh, Chopsticks Donaldson and Noah Lolesio are also in the frame?
J: Frankly they’re all crap, Hoss, and I should be starting (laughs). Now make sure you take that out before publishing.
H: Sure JOC, will do.
J: I feel like I’m in good shape physically and mentally. I’ve been so impressed with the Kiwi mentality towards rugby, their will to win, their preparations and insights. It’s just so completely different from that back home.
H: In what way, care to tell us more?
J: Sure. They cheat. They teach their players to cheat. They teach academy players and school kids how to cheat. We have dedicated training sessions on cheating. Cheating at HIAs, how to be offside, how to enter from angles that even trigonometry can’t explain. It’s relentless training, discussions and studies about cheating. It’s very impressive.
H: Surely there’s more to it than that?
J: Yeah, there is. They invite the home broadcaster in and then instruct them on how to cheat as well. What to show, what not to show. Their dedication and commitment is something to behold. It’s multi-layered, relentless and really edifying.
H: What about refs like Nigel Owens, French refs and their home grown refs, all cheats too?
J: Oh hell no, they’re just rank incompetent.
H: Wow. Now before we finish up today, you promised me an insight into the meaning of life.
J: I sure did, there it is on the bench over there, near the microwave.
H: What, it can’t be. It’s beyond beautiful, how, when, how, I’ve never seen anything remotely like it before.
J: And you won’t again, that’s the beauty of it Hoss.
H: Thank you, Dalai, and go the Tahs.
J: Yeah, good luck with that Big H and peace be upon you. Now bugger off, while I seek eremition to meditate.
*Interview may not have technically happened.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
The Bulldog bites.
More good news for Force and Wallaby fans with The Bulldog, Carlo Tizzano, re-signing with RA until the end of 2027. I personally think Tizzano will see a lot of Test minutes this year along with Cement de Crespigny, interchanging with FMac and Dirty Harry.
Sonny Bull says chill brew.
And for a change, he has a point. How many false Bledisloe dawns have we had in the past 20-odd years, 38 maybe? Each year we are so desperate to break the Kiwi Bledisloe stranglehold on the cup that we yearn, hope, wish and fantasise that this will be the year. SBW is quick to point out the quality of SRP from our sides is much improved. But the Kiwis ain’t exactly gone backwards either. rugby.com.au has more.
Les Kiwis? Le hopeless.
No matter what French side tours NZ this year, they have one very clear and unambiguous goal: to win the series and perhaps sink a ship or two for ol’ times sake. stuff.co.nz has the story
Tears for Fears.
Everybody wants to rule the world, eventually. Have fan expectations been unrealistic for the Tahs this year? Maybe, but Dan McKellar promises better days ahead. Well they could hardly be much worse, could they? rugby.com.au has the story
I see red, I see red, I see red.
Holy about face Batman, World Rugby change course on 20 minute red card. And it’ll be sanctioned for use in the Lions tour. Well, according to planetrugby.com anyway.
It’s time to shine.
Not just a request for that orange orb to reappear in the skies over vast swathes of NSW currently under water but also a call to arms for all Australians.
Few could’ve missed the news of the devastation and impact of the NSW rains, especially around the Mid North Coast and the Hunter Valley. In some places 50% of annual rainfall fell in just 36 hours. Others have received north of 500mm of rain in 48 hours and the rains are yet to relent. Lives have been lost. People are missing. Businesses ruined, livestock and equipment gone. And with many people yet to realise the full impacts of the devastation for a week or so when waters begin to subside.
As a nation we are at our best when fellow Aussies need a hand. If you can, pop online to a registered charity, not a celebrity looking to big note themselves but charities you can trust like The Salvos, The Smith Family or similar and give what you can. Perhaps drop in at an appropriate centre with a donation of canned food, blankets, clothing or toiletries. Or simply just pick up the phone and let people know you care enough to reach out and see if they’re OK.
It’ll be a long road back for many of our fellow Australians and what they need now is friendship, empathy and some dignity. On that point, to the insurers, how ’bout you deal in dignity and not arguments over word phrases or semantics. To our leaders write a cheque, whatever it costs, just write a bloody cheque.
To the ‘flood tourists’, pull your heads in. People don’t need you driving around amusing yourself as lives and livelihoods of others are stretched to breaking point. Nor do they need the bow wave from you cars or boats that cause further anxiety and grief.
Let’s all roll up our sleeves and put in for fellow Aussies in need. It’s the essence of who we are as a people and what makes us different from the rest of the world. To that end, thank you to all the emergency service operators, the SES, volunteers and all those people and agencies involved. When others run from danger, you run towards it. You bloody legends.
Hoss out.
