Wow, what a week. Mini global financial crisis, elections, selections and policy corrections, no wonder the world loves* Friday’s Rugby News (*based on a survey of 9 voices).
Greetings and salutations to all, thanks for joining me on another Friday rugby adventure. Pour yourself a tipple, settle back and strap yourself in. Today we start off being careful not to chew your nails with ‘Digit extraction time‘. Jump into this week’s round of SRP via ‘Gravity stinks’. Preview the final of SRW in ‘Wonder Women’. Put your colon to the test with ‘New rugby frontier?’. Before closing out a thumping rugby week with ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, completely pausing and reversing everything I just said for 90 days because you’re obviously all too stupid to understand just how right and clever I am.
Digit extraction time.
In my humble, often always right, opinion, RA have made some great calls these last 12 months or so. There’s the new broadcast deal with built in incentives for success on KPIs. There seems a respectful and healthy relationship between NINE/Stan and RA execs based on mutual interest. There’s also scope for growth in terms of income and content for both parties and that makes for a happy, healthy relationship.
There’s also the new centralised excellence program bearing fruit which has resulted in the re-signing of key players like F-Mac, Dirty Harry and more. Sure, there’ll always be some player drain, but I agree with Happyman, we have and always will be a net exporter of talent. Then there are others waiting for the coaching announcement before they commit, all perfectly understandable.
But when it comes to the coach and coaching structures, pull the bloody trigger! In the time it’s taken RA to faff about with structures and pathways and all those space filling fluff words, we’ve had a mini global financial meltdown and then two days later a resurrection. We’ve had Donald Dutton sacking 41,000 public servants and banning work from home, to unsacking 41,000 public servants and encouraging everyone to work from home and build reactors in their backyards. I mean how much longer does RA need? You know it’s Les Kiss, I know it’s Les Kiss, Les Kiss knows it’s Les Kiss; Michael Cheika, well he’s still hopeful.
I understand there’s been much due diligence, much planning, much thought. And, much careful consideration. But we’re at the point where there simply can’t be any more meandering stagnation. I mean when it looks like a duck, has feathers like a duck and quacks likes a duck then it’s a bloody duck. Except maybe in NZ where it’s a ‘dick’, but that’s a whole other story.
The boxes are ticked, the timing is right, make a call and let’s get on with it. Much longer and this becomes a distraction to SRP campaigns, contract negotiations and FUKIRs preparations. Please RA, enough is enough already. Rubber stamp it, launch it and let’s all move on.
Gravity stinks.
If you’re a Tahs fan, what goes up almost certainly must come down. You can catch all the teams new in Happy’s Thursday News.
Friday April 11 5:05 pm AEST – Hurricanes v Crusaders at SKY Stadium, Wellington on Stan Sport
I must admit I thought the Saders would get rolled in Fiji, instead they out-muscled, out-hustled and out-bustled the Drua. Didn’t hurt their chances that the Saders were landing penalty conversions from 65 metres out. Yep Chay Fihaki slotted one from 65m, and it was still going up as it sailed over the cross bar. He could kick them from 70, I reckon!
The Canes are fresh from getting thumped by Auckland last week in what was, by NZ standards, a really ugly, hard to watch game of rugby. Can they bounce back this week, or will it be two losses in a row?
Fearless Prediction: Two losses in a row. Saders by 11.
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Todd Petrie, Fraser Hannon TMO: Glenn Newman
Friday April 11 7:35 pm AEST – NSW Waratahs v Chiefs at Allianz Stadium, Sydney Stan Sport
I know what you’re thinking: I wonder if he’s single? How is he so consistently brilliant all the time? Or, more likely: here he goes, more Tahs BS. And I don’t blame you for thinking that, but even in my hazy blue state of mind I simply cannot pick the Tahs for this one.
Let’s be clear, the Chiefs will do things to the Tahs tonight that’ll make Custer’s last stand look like gentle foreplay. Just on that point, I didn’t know the Kiwis once had native American Indians living there? You live and learn I guess.
The one Tah who possibly doesn’t get the kudos he deserves and is out injured this week is Mr Kenny Rogers himself, The Gambler, Charlie Gamble. He rarely misses a tackle, hits plenty of rucks, always there in cover, links well and does the thankless grunt work of a terrific 7. Without him slowing opposition pill and his general workrate, the Tahs are going to get pumped this Friday night. To be clear, they wouldn’t win the match with him starting, but the losing margin would be far more palatable with him in the mix.
As for the Chiefs. Ahh, who gives a stuff. They’re simply too good across the paddock. Besides, if I pick against the Tahs and they win it’ll be because I picked against them. So ipso facto, I’m right. And if I pick against them and they lose, well I’m also right. It’s a win-win for me. So that’s nice.
Fearless Prediction: The Custer busters by 25
Referee: Angus Mabey Assistant Referees: Marcus Playle, Stu Curran TMO: James Leckie
Saturday April 12 2:35 pm AEST – Blues v Moana Pasifika at Eden Park, Auckland on Stan Sport
The Blues were horrid last week, just less horrid then the Hurricanes were. I can’t understand how you have two of the most dangerous wingers in the world in Clarke and Tele’a but you can’t get the ball to either of them? I mean whisky tango foxtrot is that? Especially when you have NZ’s best #13 in the same side. Well, according to KARL he’s the best #13.
Moana, the warning signs were there in the first half last week, despite the halftime score. They made metres at will and can carve up any side. It was just a few self-inflicted errors and handling that lulled this many a Tah fan into a false sense of security.
MP will further expose the myth of these 2025 Blues. A poor imitation of the 2024 side.
Fearless Prediction: MP by 17. Ardie to score a ‘hatty’
Saturday April 12 5:05 pm AEST – Highlanders v Fijian Drua at Forsyth Barr Stadium, Dunedin on Stan Sport
The short story is I’ve been waiting for the Drua to come good. The reality is they haven’t, and they won’t.
Fearless Prediction: Landers by 21
Saturday April 12 7:35 pm AEST – Queensland Reds v ACT Brumbies at Suncorp Stadium, Brisbane on Stan Sport and the Nine Network
What a peach this is shaping up to be. Wallaby v Wallaby, right across the paddock. The old bulls of 7As and the hitherto quietish Jimmy Slips along with a dynamic Billy ‘The Kid’ Pollard locking horns with the young Red usurpers, Sef Fa’agase, Matt Faessler and for mine, the very underrated Zane ‘Scrabble’ Nonggorr. Yet to finish the game, the front rows are flipped. Reds old bulls Axle Hodgman and Jeffery Two-Dads up against Blake Shoup and Feao Fotuaika.
But spoiler alert, it’s the action immediately behind the front rows that sees The Ponies get this one for mine. You can see by the moving of Tom ‘don’t call me Michael’ Hooper into the #5 jersey to accommodate Rory Scott to start that indicates to me the Brumbs are gonna take on the Reds via route one: right up the eye-diddle-diddle. And I reckon the combo of Elsa and not Michael will be a real game changer.
There’s been a lot said about young Canham for the Reds. He’s big, he’s athletic and he has good skills for a giraffe. But, in my opinion, he just doesn’t do enough of the grunt work. In effect, picking him to start is like picking two Urus to start. Don’t get me wrong, I love Seru Uru as a player, but he can only do what he does if the starting locks play tight, like Ryan Smith for example. I just don’t think you can afford two Uru-type players in you’re starting pack. I think the Reds are unbalanced in the forwards and I think the Ponies will target them at that weakness.
As for the fairies, well, where do you begin? How bout the #10 jerseys. You have incumbent Wallaby in Lolesio-san up against the heir apparent Tom ‘don’t call me Michael’ Lynagh. Lolesio-san, while Joe’s-Joe last year, has had an injury interrupted start to the campaign and with that has been perhaps a tad underwhelming. ‘Not Michael’ Lynagh, on the other hand, has built into the season nicely and seems to be performing more consistently at this point. Both young gents are wonderful goal kickers, but few could argue Not Michael has a better out of hand kicking game. Not a lot, mind you, but all the same, still better. Certainly he gets more distance. As for a running game, Not Michael also seems to keep himself alive more in terms of both releasing his outside backs but also wrapping around them in support.
A bit wider out you have The Tool, Feliuai, Sticky, The Man Bun and John Denver, who when on song are exhilarating to watch. Equally, it must be said they can be nerve-wracking to watch on other occasions. They go up against The Junkyard Dog (talk about second season blues, he’s been poo this year), the Squatter, Dr Dre, Mr Anderson and Heremaia Grainger. When you go mono a mono across those lineups, who looks more likely to you? Yep, the Ponies.
That said, I can’t wait to settle in and watch this match. Terrific young athletes on each side. Many of them with lots to prove to Wallaby coaches watching in the stands. Some going OS, but keen to keep/ get into the gold jersey in June while others are in the frame to break into the side. Equally, others perhaps on the verge of losing their grip on long held gold jerseys. There’s certainly going to be the match within the match. And that’s before we discuss the coaches. Imagine if you’re about to be announced as the Wallabies coach but you get out thought and out played by your counterpart from the porn capital of Australia. And all that before RA have made an announcement. Makes you wonder why RA have taken so long. Hmmmm.
One saving grace for the best Aussie derby this year, it’ll also have the best referee to handle it.
Fearless Prediction: Brumbies by 15.
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Damon Murphy TMO: Graham Cooper
Wonder Women.
Saturday 12th April. NSW Waratahs v Queensland Reds. Super Rugby final, North Sydney Oval. 2.25pm AEST.
It’s show time for the 2025 SRW competition with perennial powerhouse the NSW Waratahs up against perennial chokers the Queensland Reds. Indeed, this is the Reds fifth final appearance and there success rate reads like Yowie’s HSC result: 0%. The only difference being the cutting comment from ‘The Faculty of Gympie Secondairy Skool for the ungifted’: why do you keep doing this to yourself and torturing us?’.
The Tahs will be missing inspirational skipper Piper ‘Plucka’ Duck, who is out with a shoulder injury (known as a HIA in NZ). But in better news Port Stephens legend and try scoring machine Maya Stewart is fit to take her spot after being carried off the field last week with what looked like two planks for legs. After coming off the pine last week one of my fave players, Caitlyn Halse, will start at #15. Halse plays with a skill and power not seen on many fullbacks. Her ability to break the line and her beautiful passing game is something to behold and, for mine, she’s a real chance of being PotM,
The match will see the Tahs face off against some former team mates who obviously got sick and tired of winning and headed north. The rampaging Eva Karpani and Layne Morgan will done the red jerseys as they chase their fifth successive finals defeat
Like any game, the match will be decided in the forwards while the margin of the victory decided by the backs. Whichever way you cut this the Tahs will be simply too big, too strong, too quick and too well-drilled to lose. The good news for Queensland? They get to maintain their perfect finals record. It’s a win-win.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 18
WARATAHS (1-15): Bridie O’Gorman, Adiana Talakai, Faliki Pohiva, Kaitlan Leaney, Annabelle Codey, Nicole Nathan, Emily Chancellor (c), Ruby Anderson, Tatum Bird, Arabella McKenzie, Desiree Miller, Katrina Barker, Georgina Friedrichs, Maya Stewart, Caitlyn Halse Replacements: Millie Parker, Emily Robinson, Seneti Kilisimasi, Jayjay Taylor, Anahera Hamahona, Martha Harvey, Jade Sheridan, Waiaria Ellis
REDS (1-15): Bree-Anna Browne, Tiarna Molloy, Eva Karpani, Tiarah Minns, Veneta Teutau, Zoe Hanna, Carola Kreis, Maraea Tupai, Layne Morgan, Lori Cramer (co-c), Ivania Wong (co-c), Shalom Sauaso, Faythe Manera, Caitlin Urwin, Charlotte Caslick Replacements: Zophronia Setu, Cristo Taufua, Charli Jacoby, Deni Ross, Dillyn Blackburn, Nat Wright, Carys Dallinger, Piper Flynn
Referee: Ella Goldsmith Assistant Referees: Dan Andrew, Harry Fenton TMO: Cholmondeley Johnson
New rugby frontier?
It seems India, the home of the phone scam and Uber driver training factories, has set its sights on getting into the rugby experience, and in a big way at that. Not only that, it has some serious financial backers with their front man a Bollywood icon. Put all that together and they now have the full attention of World Rugby. According to stuff.co.nz anyway.
Well known Indian actor, Rahul Bose, star of such hits like ‘Death by Dysentery’ and romcom ‘A Vindaloo for Two’, has helped get a 15 day, World Rugby sanctioned competition approved to start in June. There’ll be 6 men’s franchises, all backed by Indian industrial giants like Queensland Coal, NSW Coal and Australian Gas, to name a few. The squads will have 13 players, all on $24,000 for one month’s work (train and play). They’ll be made up of five international players, five Indian locals and three bridge players from Kenya, Hong Kong and Germany. My grandmother also plays bridge so she might be a chance, and $24k is a lot when you’re on a fixed pension, even with a dodgy hip and emphysema. $24k is $24k.
The idea is to add a women’s competition in 2026 to help grow the IRL. The Indian company behind the idea has assured World Rugby that it has absolutely no interest in taking over the global sport, nor doctoring home grounds, nor influencing match officials, nor acting as complete and utter, laser focused, self-interested bastards. They further said they don’t even watch cricket and didn’t even know that India had a cricket team. Indeed, their press release was short and succinct, saying: here’s a very large cheque, just look over there for a minute.
The franchises will come from Ahmedabad, Bangalore, Chennai, Mumbai, Hyderabad and Bhubaneswar. With a population of over 1.4 billion, as well as a registered rugby playing pool said to be ‘between 100,000 – 120,000’, the idea obviously has merit. It opens up new markets and brings potentially more money to the game. Pretty compelling argument right there, although why do I sub-consciously keep hearing ‘BCCI, BCCI, BCCI’.
I learnt the hard way from my second wife that exploring new frontiers can be very confronting and no matter what your partner insists, you should never pick ‘more’ as a safe word. Tread cautiously.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
100: not out.
Big G&GR ‘well done that man’ to Joe Dirt this weekend. Tate McDermott trots out for Super Rugby match 100 this weekend against the Brumbies. Tate has been far more consistent this year with an improved passing game, and who doesn’t like watching him make those darting and decisive runs. Congratulations from all at G&GR, Mr Mac, enjoy the experience and go well.
It’s not unusual?
Surprising news for many with Welsh rugby powerhouse, Cardiff, having the WRU taking control, ‘after the club’s legal entity Cardiff Rugby Limited, was placed temporarily into administration by its directors.’ You have to feel for Welsh rugby and its fans at present. The onfield results are what they are and Eloise has often expounded on these pages about the financial state of affairs. But Welsh rugby without a Cardiff is simply too frightening to consider for any number of reasons.
Although one might argue that losing the Rebels has bolstered Australian rugby overall, losing Wales would bolster their long time allies and close kin, the English. After all, their Welsh prince is now King. Interesting. planetrugby.com has the story.
Bombs are lekka
So says former water boy head coach turned real head coach, Jaco Johan. World Rugby has investigated claims about the Dutch Dirt Farmers ‘Bomb Squad’ and released an official finding saying to the world: harden up daffodils.
I have no issue with any side picking 6:2, 7:1, 8:0, or any version thereof. My only issue is that match officials grow a great big hairy set and enforce more ball in play and less breaks. You wanna stop to tie up your shoes again? No problemo, but we play on. You need a drink or have strained your Uvula? Tough, play on. You only need to look at what fatigue has done for SRP to get the drift. You wanna fill your bench with behemoths? Go ahead, but equally, you don’t get any favours when other teams try to gas you goliaths, and not in a cruel German way but in a run the beefy Boers around sort of way.
Get a ref not afraid to make the correct calls and keep a game moving? Now that would be lekka.
Even Kiwis think NZ sucks.
Well, we all know that don’t we. Each day that country finds a new way to dredge new depths, killing the ANZAC brotherhood, cheating at HIA protocols, not citing clear and obvious foul play on their own. This time they can’t even keep their own players in NZ. Yet more evidence of the rugby malaise that infects the Poxy Isles, this time with stuff.co.chillybrocuz reporting the loss of young up and comer Patrick Tuifua to the the nation knocked out of WWII in the heats, France.
The chamber of secrets?
It’s hard to fathom what goes on in the chambers of the SR foul play review committee (FPRC – where the P is silent) isn’t it. You have Patrick ‘The Executioner’ Tuipolotu, who was targeting more heads than the French Revolution yet not getting cited. Than you have a flagrant knee to the head, from distance and at pace, from Highlander #8 Sean Withy that gets a 50% sentence reduction because of what again? Somehow the victim wasn’t decapitated.
Many on here will remember, because Harry Potter surely won’t, that Withy tried to remove Potter’s head from his neck by sliding form approx. 27 metres back, targeting Potter’s head after he had scored a try approx. 11 seconds earlier. In doing so, ‘Wutthy’, as he is known to his mates, collected Potter flush on the melon and got marched for his efforts with an onfield yellow (because the ref shirted the obvious call) getting upgraded to red.
Yours truly contacted retired Kiwi great Buck Shelford for his thoughts. After hiring a linguistic expert, we deciphered Bick saying ‘thut dusushen uz sift’ and that ‘Esaays gut new nets huh brew’. We also spoke to NZR who are considering ‘uppeelung thut dusushun, uz thut Uzzee, clully had huz hid un a bud pussushen und cud huv budly unjud our playuss lug’.
stuff.stopyawunjungozzeelumpducks.co.nz has more
But wait, there’s more.
When is an eye gouge not an eye gouge? Take a look at the left hand of black #8, six seconds into this video from Forever Sports. If that’s not an eye gouge than I am not a fat, bald yet incredibly good looking country gent. Instead, the actual charge was found to be ‘intentional and reckless contact with the yes‘ and a dispensation down from a starting point of 12 weeks, yep you guessed it, he got a 50% reduction for remorse (getting caught on camera) and clean disciplinary record.
I don’t know about you, G&GRs, but is there a bigger dog act in rugby than eye gouging? Admittedly the offence was on Dan Cole, who’s made more of a career lying flat on his stomach than a 40 year veteran of the adult film world. But even so, a dog-shot, is a dog-shot. Punishment starts at 12 months, and with zero mitigation and the key word there is ‘starts’.
Two for one.
You pay extra for that type of action, Cotton. Well, not in Brisbane you don’t. Great initiative from the Reds and local gaol ball side, the Dolphins. The QRU have announced a Super ‘Two-for-one Ticket Team-Up’.
Sure game one of the two ticket combo was last night when the Dolphins, or future defendants, hosted the team formerly known as Penrith at Suncorp. Now for those who purchased said tickets that same ticket will get them into the Reds v Brumbies on Saturday night. Terrific thinking outside the box by both clubs and great initiative. Both sides clearly have NSW staff in their senior management. Well done.
For those who haven’t taken advantage yet a family ticket of 4 will cost $100 for the Reds match, and if you also attended the loig that’s truly outstanding value all round. Get more info here.
Fantasy Reminder.
Don’t forget to update your fantasy league sides before kickoff. Unlike some on here who have forgotten two weeks in a row, but scored more when he forgot than he did when he remembered. There’s no room for complacency, with Dunnings Right Boot out in front of a chasing pack lead by Charlie McG.
Until next week. Go the Tahs, well you get my drift.
Hoss – out.
