Good morning world.
If you’re reading this then I’m dead, brain dead that is. For I have entered a world where the clocks are slow and the inhabitants even slower: the Queensland People’s Republic of Queensland (QPRQ). What better way to celebrate a winning rugby season for the Tahs than by flying into the heart of enemy territory to cheer on my beloved and unbackable favourite NSW side.
But first there’s Friday’s Rugby News to get through, so let’s kick off by donning the TV critic hat for ‘An Unpolished Turd’. Launch the SRP season and our first fearless predictions in ‘The Hosstradamus Prophecies’. Look at the law of unintended consequences with ‘What a Mouthful’. And exert monopoly pressure with the one and only market goliath, ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, up yours ACCC.
An Unpolished Turd.
Just when you thought you’d escaped the insipid, lying, traitorous Turd, he’s back again. And if this doco proved anything, it’s that some turds simply cannot be polished.
Before I jump in head first, I should perhaps backtrack a little by saying my admiration and respect for the players has grown. And for my own experience, the doco was a timely reminder, that I am a fan of these guys. A pure, devoted, unabashed fan.
I fully expected from our World Cup circus and with all that has transpired since, that this show would most likely rile me. His lying, his selections, his sanctimonious media performances. I recommend you check out Natho’s face during that airport press conference. The camera pans to Mr Williamson, who I believe at that very moment, may have accidentally ‘touched cloth’ during an unanticipated bowel experience, caused by the media performance he witnessed that day. To the monotonous repetition of ”remember this feeling boys” after every loss. The complete and utter hollowness of his speeches. Even just hearing his voice was enough to rile me.
And rile me it has.
Most of the show was fairly ho-hum and actually pretty vanilla. There’s Flash Gordon playing golf with more certainty than his catching, passing, kicking or running against the Fijians. There’s the sinking feeling when 7As does his knee against the ABs and his realisation his World Cup is done. I also found special moments and insight into the tenderness and vulnerability of Nella something to take note of, a 150kg rampaging prop, yet gentle and respectful with all, despite his frustrations around his mounting injuries and inability to influence outcomes on the field. Nic White was fun to watch and I’d love to share a drink or three with him some time. But the real star of the show is Jimmy Slips; tough, dedicated, humble and steely. He gave his all to the campaign, in body, mind and in sheer bloody-minded will. He speaks with authority and clarity and with a brutal openness, yet blames no one while doing so. That’s a gentleman there, folks. Behold and be thankful for.
To the actual concept itself: it seems the production company must have thought early on that they were going to be privy to greatness, be a fly on the wall to history and witness a ‘snatch and grab’ campaign at the RWC. A rooky team, underdogs, a rag-tag group of Aussies, defying the odds, rising above their station and winning the trophy that signifies World Rugby domination. Who wouldn’t want to capture that?
Instead what we get to witness was a slow motion car crash of Team Wallaby. The ramblings of a lunatic and the damage he caused to the team, the code and the brand in both the immediate and longer term. After all, even for non-rugby fans, the Wallabies have forever been the national team of choice, collectively ‘our team’. I like what Fitzy said, an Aussie wants to wear a national jumper to the Ashes or to a sporting event it was always a Wallaby jersey. Maybe not so much now though.
While sitting on the lounge percolating in my anger, it was episode three, the training session the day after the Welsh catastrophe, that really lit my fuse. You see Gaggers, as the Turd said to Jimmy Slips after our loss to Wales our problems were entirely because the Wallabies ‘weren’t hard enough!’ and in no way at all because:
- We had a coach with no idea at all in any aspect of actually coaching rugby or, as it became crystal clear to me, in people management.
- A coach that left our side undermanned and underprepared with the side he selected and the coaches he assembled. Two unproven NRL coaches, one in charge of attack, one of defence. A former AFL coach in Neil Craig in charge of ‘high performance’, which appeared from the footage to involve getting the coach coffees and reinforcing his maniacal ideas. What also aroused my sense of incredulity was the sheer scale of the support staff. It was a cast of thousands and some either didn’t speak or at least didn’t speak on camera anyhow. Yet only the French guy questioned the coach around his stupefying decision around not telling the team about Skelton’s injury. This one moment to me highlighted the insanity of this coach; in trying to manipulate the media and bluff and bluster them around the injury he actually destabilises the team, his team, our team, by holding the announcement back until the day of the test! If it all wasn’t just so desperately ham-fisted and dumb you’d nearly have to laugh.
- A coach who actively partook in job interviews with rival unions just prior to, and likely during, the running of the RWC.
- A coach who spent like a drunken, horny sailor on shore leave. Overspending by $5,000,000.00 (that’s five million to those in Western Australia) on the miserable campaign. What would an extra $5m in the coffers mean to, oh I dunno, a team based in Mexico right now?
Nope, we sucked because ‘we’ weren’t hard enough. Yep, forget game plans, or an experienced #10, forget that we left perhaps our best two players at home and that we used 38 captains. Forget that the Turd flogged players three training days a week during the RWC, directly leading to soft tissue injuries to perhaps our biggest weapons in Skelton and Tupou. Nope, it’s Australian rugby’s fault. Well it was somebody’s fault, but certainly not the coach’s though.
It seems Gaggers that the only thing that stood between our players and World Cup glory was the bulk purchase of Viagra: our team just weren’t hard enough. I feel so stupid, the answer was obvious. It was the ‘flaccidity’ of our men in gold that bought us all collective, abject rugby humiliation. And he’s right. What’s the point of having Big Willy as our skipper if he’s not hard enough? I look forward to his Japanese team eager to take the field and displaying their hardness for all to see. That’ll be some national anthem!
What complete and utter rot.
My final takeaway for the three episodes only reinforced, for me, how far removed from any sense of rugby reality the Turd was. Our national side were handicapped by him being in their rugby universe, and with his departure it’s goodbye, good luck and good riddance. Our players deserved better than what they got. They deserve respect and admiration for the efforts they gave and sacrifices they made and the price they paid.
Maybe the Turd and I do agree on one thing he’s said since his departure: it would seem him leaving has left Australian rugby in a better place after all.
Amen to that.
The Hosstradamus Prophecies.
Super Rugby Round 1 is finally here with he times, teams and fearless predictions:
All teams courtesy rugby.com.au
All coverage details on STAN.
Friday 23 February 5:05 pm AEDT – Chiefs v Crusaders at FMG Stadium on Stan Sport
Generational change and vulnerable, or more of the same from the South Island rugby factory, the Crusaders. Tah reject and new Saders coach Rob Penney gets to show his credentials this Friday with the 2023 final rematch to kick off the season. For all the talk of no Mo’unga it’s the loss of Sam Whitelock and the injury sidelining of Will Jordan that I think leave them exposed.
While the Chiefs have also farewelled the odd handy player, they look the more settled of the two. I must also admit I am curious to see D-Mac at #10, that could be special.
Fearless Prediction: Chiefs by 8.
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: Jordan Way, Reuben Keane
Friday 23 February 7:35 pm AEDT – Melbourne Rebels v ACT Brumbies at AAMI Park on Stan Sport
I imagine it will be a relief for the Rebs to get on the field and just play rugby and for 100 minutes let all the recent noise and tension disappear into the background. I said last week, it’s easy to miss the fact that they have assembled the best roster in their history. They have a pack to match or beat any. They have an exciting young #10, with pace and skill out wide. In my opinion, the Rebs need to win and win early to keep the demons and noise at bay and make this season their best ever. Winning changes everything.
The Ponies, well, they’re the Ponies. They’ll be methodical and ruthless. But no 7As, for mine, gives the Reb’s the edge.
Fearless Prediction: Rebels by 9
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, George Myers
Friday 23 February 10:00 pm AEDT – Western Force v Hurricanes at HBF Park on Stan Sport
A late training injury to Izaac Rodda and with newly minted skipper Jeremy Williams out with concussion leaves the Force a little light on the tight five, but with new signings Nic White, Ben Donaldson and Will Harris I reckon the Western mob are more complete side than in years gone by. The issue, as it always is, will be securing enough ball for the fairies to prance about.
The Hurricanes, like other NZ sides are without a host of huge names currently away on a Contiki Yen Frenzy for a year or so. The biggest of these names is one Ardie ‘Three-Knees’ Savea. Possibly the world’s best player over the last 5 years. And that alone is enough for me.
Fearless Prediction: Farce by 12.
Referee: Damon Murphy Assistant Referees: Graham Cooper, Jordan Kaminski
Saturday 24 February 2:35 pm AEDT – Blues v Fijian Drua at Semenoff Stadium on Stan Sport
Can the Drua be the Drua from round 1?
Fearless Prediction: Yes, yes they can. Drua by 14.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw
Saturday 24 February 5:05 pm AEDT – Highlanders v Moana Pasifika at Forsyth Barr Stadium on demand on Stan Sport
Fearless Prediction: The sooner MP merge with Rebels the better. Landers by 20.
Referee: Brendon Pickerill Assistant Referees: James Mabey, Marcus Playle
Saturday 24 February 7:35 pm AEDT – Queensland Reds v NSW Waratahs at Suncorp Stadium on Stan Sport and Channel 9
I know you’re expecting some long winded waffle. So I will keep it brief. It will be NSW men against whatever they call those QPRQ players.
Fearless Prediction: Tahs by 27.
Referee: Paul Williams Assistant Referees: Dan Waenga, Mike Winter
What a Mouthful.
No, not the new Kurtley Beale musical, but instead, the law of unintended consequences. What happens when good intentions, lead to real world and practical complications? You know, like not being able to breathe for example.
Interesting read on stuff.co.nz about our very own Aussie players appearing less than enamoured with the new and world rugby mandated, ‘smart’ mouthguard. It seems in order to accommodate the new technology, these mouthguards are actually thicker than non-smart version and in some cases, where breathing through the nose is either difficult or not possible some players like Joe Dirt McDermott will need to apply for a ‘medical exemption’ or ignore wearing them altogether, which carries risks of its own, as the report also mentions:
‘Despite the obvious risks, some elite players have chosen not to wear mouthguards in the past. But short of a medical exemption, which must be approved by World Rugby, players must now wear the smart mouthguard to be eligible for the HIA1 protocol. Put simply, if a player chooses not to wear the mouthguard during games – even during a training week – and is spotted with a suspected concussion during a Super Rugby game, they will not be eligible for an HIA check and a possible return. Instead, they will be removed and not allowed back on.’
Perhaps concussion may no longer be an issue if players start choking to death on the field instead?
7As poses a common sense and practical solution. Good article, well worth a read.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Lol not LOL.
News Thursday arvo that Tah and Wallabies centre Lol Foketi was taken away from training in an ambulance with a suspected neck injury. rugby.com.au reports:
“Foketi was taken to the Prince of Wales Hospital in Randwick by ambulance following the incident which occurred during the field session this morning. The club is awaiting the results from the scans and Foketi’s family are with him in hospital. Club representatives have been on hand to provide support throughout the day.”
From all in rugby here hoping Lol recovers quickly and that his family are well supported.
More Yapp.
New Wallaroos coach Jo Yapp tells rugby.com.au all the things we want to hear: “top 4 or bust!”.
Nobody cares.
John ‘Nobody’ Eales weighs in on Wallaby captain speculation with his rather useful insight. rugby.com.au has more.
Fantasy Tips.
Nope, not Dolly Parton’s latest greatest hits album, but your chance to enrol in the official G&GR Super Rugby Fantasy League Team Comp and separate SRP tipping contest. You can find details here courtesy of G&GR resident IT nerd, Hydie. Thanks to Superbru for hosting the competitions.
Kiddy Camp.
Famed former national defensive coach and current national under 20s coach, Nathan Grey, has announced a 40 strong camp via rugby.com.au .
The North is Killing the Game.
Maybe not his exact quote, but it’s certainly the vibe NZR head honcho Mark Robinson was putting out in this stuff.co.nz bit about his pending trip to the NH to talk to serious rugby folks.
The Last Word.
It’s fitting that big Nella close us out today with a quote from the Eddie Horror Show:
‘I wasn’t nervous about playing. I was nervous about losing.’
Go the Tahs
Hoss – out.
