Does it get any better than this!
Greetings rugby lovers and welcome to Friday’s Rugby News. A special g’day and welcome to any new northern readers and welcome to Oz for what should be a cracking six weeks. Here we are, standing in the shadows of kickoff to an event we’ve waited 12 years for. The LIONS are back and how good is it to be a rugby fan right now! With so much rugby news, pour yourself a tipple, shout yourself a pastry or two, kick back and let’s talk all things rugby.
Today we start with a glimpse into the life of the rich and famous with ‘You showed me the money’. Preview the first match of the tour against The Force in ‘The FUKIRS have landed’. Get to know thy enemy with ‘Anatomy of a Lions Fan’. And then wrap up a massive rugby week with a mammoth ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss‘, now warning that too much B2 consumption can be extremely harmful, just ask the Ayatollah.
You showed me the money.
And I didn’t like it.
Stan gets a lot of stuff right with its rugby coverage, especially since dropping Sunny Bull from the talkfest team. But occasionally, they get stuff wrong too. Now call me cynical, but I thought the Tuesday night Wallaby ‘coverage’ of watching players get plied with a stack of free stuff made for tone deaf and poor viewing. There were free RM boots ($700/pair), free ASIC joggers, free suits, rugby boots and free everything else and the whole thing screamed of entitlement and well, ‘meh’ viewing.
I get much of the kit were official uniforms and sponsors’ products and the like, but do we really need to interview players on $000,000s (and some more than that) per annum, getting a whole heap of free stuff? It was like watching the Murdoch family oil up and roll around in a pit full of cash and seeing how much stuck. The interviews were awkward and stilted and both the players and the Stan team looked uncomfortable. It was akin to watching a baby seal get clubbed to death.
The whole thing left me rather underwhelmed and smacked of coverage for the sake of coverage, instead of coverage that informed or entertained, like they usually do.
The FUKIRS have landed.
Western Force v Lions. Saturday 28th June. Optus Stadium 7.00pm AEST. Live on STAN.
In what seems to have raced by in a flash, the Former United Kingdom & Irish Rugby Side has landed on our shores and are about to commence their campaign when they take on the Force tomorrow night. And with a 100% loss record so far, I’d imagine they’re rather keen to start well.
Coach Mufasa has rung the changes from the side thumped by Los Pumas last weekend, when they tried to out southern hemisphere a southern hemisphere side. The shake up includes 13 changes to his starting 15, with fifth generation Scotsman and Highlander movie saga aficionado Sione Tuipilotu and Oirishman Tadhg Beirne the only survivors from last week’s loss. The side includes five debutants in the run on side as well as another four on the pine. Mufasa has also shown there’s no nepotism in his appointments whatsoever by naming Oirish hooker Dan Sheehan as captain.
One of the debutants will be ‘Emerald till I die’ ‘Paddy’ Mack Hansen (whose family allegedly helped carve out the Blarney Stone). Paddy Mack previously played for the Brumbies on what must’ve been a ‘457 visa’ so he could return to his native Oirland and compete for a spot on the United Nations of rugby side.
Much interest will centre on the tour’s pantomime villain, Henry Pollock, who has been selected to start at #8. Pollock is famous for his onfield antics in their domestic competition and for being fended off (3.25 minutes into the video) by the Argentinian #10, yes, their #10, that lead to the match losing try for the Lions; he’ll need to display sterner resolve this weekend, otherwise how can we hate him properly? To hate him now would seem overly petty and akin to hating the Easter Bunny. One feels he must earn and deserve our proper hatred first. For now it’s just unrequited disdain.
As for the Force, there are any number of good news stories, prime among them, the return and farewell of one cap Wallaby, Mr Ollie Hoskins. Many on here will recall the big prop shedding more tears than Peter Dutton on election night when the big guy was rushed into the side for an injured Abattoir and played in the 2021 Twickenham match against the Poms.
Watching the video you can see Angus Bell, sitting next to Hoskins, stuck somewhere between disgust and genuine care with Ollie sobbing like I did at the end of the movie Ghost. The Bull is in emotional no-man’s land trying to figure out what to do and you can see the sheer panic on his face: ”should I comfort him, should I punch him, should I look away in disgust?” One of those awkward yet timeless moments when you just know you should be doing something, you’re just not sure what it is. Anyhoo, this will be Hoskins’ last professional rugby match and who wouldn’t love a fairytale ending for him.
The Force run on side has several Wallabies with Dr Robertson, BPA, Carter, Swain, The Lip, Pietsch, Stewart and Chopper Donaldson. But in some shite luck for Gilbert Beale he has a hammy injury and will miss this match and might also miss the invitational First Nations Pasifika match, of which he was named captain
But it’s the performance of ‘The Aristocrat’, Nick Champion de Crespigny that I’m most keen to see. The Aristocrat belted people all season long in SRP. He doesn’t just tackle people, he whacks ’em, and they stay whacked. And to top it off there’s not a hint of foul play or poor technique about him, it’s copy book technique with dollops of hard nosed bastardry thrown in for good measure. His set piece work is outstanding and he loves trucking the ball up as well. I haven’t been this excited about a possible Wallaby #6 since Scott Fardy left the ranks. And I just have this feeling that one ‘welcome to Perth, how’s your ribs’ from the Aristocrat on Finn Russell might be enough to unsettle the Lions playmaker. As gifted and skillful that Russell undoubtedly is, I can’t shake the feeling that he can be emotionally unsettled and suddenly become as flakey as old lead paint.
The Force starting XV certainly looks very competitive; however, the bench is where I fear they’ll come unstuck. That said, I can’t wait for the tour to officially commence and the teams to have at it.
Fearless Prediction: The Lions to pull away when the benches are emptied. Lions by 22.
WESTERN FORCE (1-15): Tom Robertson, Brandon Paenga-Amosa, Ollie Hoskins, Sam Carter, Darcy Swain, Will Harris, Nick Champion de Crespigny, Vaiolini Ekuasi; Nic White (c), Alex Harford, Dylan Pietsch, Hamish Stewart, Matt Proctor, Mac Grealy, Ben Donaldson
Reserves: Nic Dolly, Marley Pearce, Tiaan Tauakipulu, Lopeti Faifua, Reed Prinsep, Henry Robertson, Max Burey, Bayley Kuenzle
BISANZA LIONS (1-15): Pierre Schoeman, Dan Sheehan (C), Tadhg Furlong, Scott Cummings, Joe McCarthy, Tadhg Beirne, Josh van der Flier, Henry Pollock, Tomos WIlliams, Finn Russell, James Lowe, Sione Tuipulutu, Garry Ringrose, Mack Hansen, Elliot Daily.
Reserves: Ronan Kelleher, Andrew Porter, Will Stuart, Ollie Chessum, Jack Conan, Alex Mitchell, Huw Jones, Marcus Smith
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe (NZ) ARs: Paul Williams (NZ) & James Doleman (NZ) TMO: Marius van der Westhuizen (SA) FPRO: Glenn Newman (NZ)
Anatomy of a Lions fan.
Storied in tradition, sprinkled with moments of brilliance, bravery and breathtaking rugby, the Lions have returned to our shores. So too have their rumoured 40,000 touring fans. They are over excited, over funded and now over here. With no fans allowed to follow the team to the lands of the Dutch Dirt Farmers in 2021, their pent up exuberance and expectations will hit our shores. A sea of noise, a sea of expectation and a sea of red.
From quaint little villages like Upper-Buttcrack on Hampstead Heath or Great Cockup in the Lakes District to the rolling hills and vales of Wales, the majesty and mystique of the Scottish Highlands and whatever it is they have in Ireland, the Lions and their fans are here. And it would be absolutely remiss of me to not prepare you for face-to-face contact and survival tips with this invasive species. And should you encounter them, remember to be aware, but not alarmed.
Species:
- Obnoxiousness downunderus.
Physical characteristics:
- Portly, pale and pugnacious.
- Propensity to wear jerseys two sizes too small.
- Sunburnt cheeks and forehead (yes, even in our winters).
- Travel in packs and become agitated and vociferous when in larger groups, especially when loitering around watering holes or when their team is in the lead.
- Break into song for unknown reasons with many men crying when doing so.
- Ostensibly short for their weight.
Natural Habitat:
- Four-deep in dimly lit rooms, inside licensed establishments.
- Queueing near curry restaurants.
- Tend to frequent urinals in a herd. Perhaps safety in numbers?
- Hovering outside RM Williams stores, afraid to go in.
- Tattoo shops: like to get their girl’s names as a tatt. Just how many ‘Peggys’ and ‘Dots’ live in the UK? Or are they all the same person? Would explain dental ‘issues’ of the species.
Daily Routines:
- Rise late, around 11ish.
- Skip shower.
- Head for a ‘hair of the dog’ as a precursor to a ‘fry up’. Essentially 113% saturated fats, some processed meats, baked beans, one egg and a lager to wash it all down.
- Complain about the heat.
- Celebrate the exchange rate.
- Go for a lie down.
- Meet in lobbies of various accommodation venues
- Light meal of curried anything
- Attend match/hit pubs till closing time, kebab or two on way home
- Skip shower.
- Fall on mattress for 8-10 hours of sleep hypoxia.
- Rise & repeat for next day.
Dislikes:
- Being behind during a match.
- Biological aversion to the combination of warm water and soap.
- The fact ‘the empire’ has shrunken.
- That 236 years ago their ancestors should’ve come here, with the convicts sentenced to stay behind (talk about complete cock-up).
Mating rituals:
- Little known. Drunken male fans observed to enjoy cuddling each other when imbibed
- Touring mantra: ‘doesn’t matter where it goes, as long as it disappears’
- Observation: UK birth rates dropping
Survival tips/what to do if encountered:
- Remind them ‘he’s our king too’.
- Divide and conquer: ‘how can a Scotsman/ Welshman/Oirishman, cheer for the English? or
- ‘You seem to be taking the beatings at Culloden/Irish War of Independence The Battle of St Fagan’s well?’
- Comfort them: ‘don’t worry, there’s always 12 years from now’. And offer them a consoling pint (mid strength only).
- Laugh at their jokes: they think they’re the first to make convict references. The yoghurt one was a ripper (in 1985).
- Distract them: ‘how’s life post Brexit? You got that wrong didn’t you!’ or ‘I hear Eddie Jones is heading back up your way’.
- Invite them for a drink: ‘Did Prince Andrew come with you? Shame, I have a few 12 year olds at home I think he’d enjoy’.
- Or simply engage with the banter. ‘Having been in the crowd for the 2003 RWC final, it was the best atmosphere and comraderie I’ve ever experienced.’
Welcome Lions fans, you are our guests and it’s a pleasure to host you. Spend big, spend often and enjoy.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Ross ‘n roll baby.
Ahh, the life of a professional rugby player. Gosford born, one cap All Black and first Chief prop ever to get 100 caps, Aidan Ross is in training with the Coinsland Reds and, injuries depending, might find himself in a gold jersey sooner rather than later having already faced the Lions twice in his career! Confused yet?
29 year old Ross has started life with the Communists and due to his only AB cap being on 9 July 2022 and nearly three years lapsed, he will technically be available to play for the Wallabies for the first test of the tour! With Scrabble Nonggorr in Wallabies camp and Axle Hodgman still injured, Ross would appear to be in the box seat to run out next week for the Reds and his third match against a Lions side. rugby.com.au has the story.
A rooster illusion?
Interesting story out of the SMH earlier this week reporting Eastern Suburbs Rooster, Mark Nawaqanitawase (a-crash-bam-boom), might be considering returning to the rugby union fold in time for 2027’s RWC. The Funky Bunch has set the gaol ball universe alight so far this season with his freakish try scoring ability as well as avoiding any sort of criminal charges thus far. Impressive. Incredulous, but impressive.
Do as you’re told!
Those rotten mongrels. Not content with lobbing grenades at St Joe and his selections, the Lions then duly informed RA they wanted to take a giant dump on the legacy of dual Wallaby and Lions test player and Olympic gold medallist, Tom Richards. No longer will the trophy be named after Richards, instead the player of the series will win the Tom Richards medal. And just what will the new trophy be called? ‘The glass thing over there’.
This reporter believes discussions are ongoing with RA surrounding the Lions insistence we change our name from ‘Australia’ to ‘Uppity Antipodeans who don’t know their place and should be thankful we bestow our greatness upon them once every twelve years’.
The Lord giveth.
Wallabies assistant coach, Lord Laurie Fischer, who has been carbon dated at approx. 163 years old, has told rugby.com.au of his personal excitement to be involved in the Lions tour and of the intensity and competition for spots within camp Wallaby for the Fijian match. We must remember that a different squad will be selected post the Fiji match for the Lions series later next week. So state form against the Lions could very much still come into play for fringe squad members.
The Lord has faced the Lions previously in 2013 with the Brumbies, but this will be his first at national level. If anyone deserves to have a Lions series victory on his rugby CV, I could think of no one more fitting than this man. GO well.
“I’m super excited to try and play my part to make sure that defensively we’re as good as we can be. Attitudinally across the board we’re as good as we can be and I work with the coaching staff and the players to make sure that they’re tip-top mentally, physically, technically and tactically to make the best account of themselves.”
Nearly all black is back.
With all that’s happening over here, it’s easy to forget the Hobbits of Middle Earth are hosting a ‘French B’ side (Les Bs’?) in July. allblacks.com has all the AB squad news. Since being named though, 2024 rookie of the year, Wallace Sititi, has been ruled out of the series with an ankle injury, replaced in the squad by Crusader Christian Lio-Willie.
That aside, you just know it must be a cracking squad when Ethan Blackadder gets overlooked twice. Once in the original squad. And twice when he was overlooked as injury call up for Sititi. But the real head scratcher is the omission of David Havili?
The Nearlies kick off their campaign on 5 July in Dunedin.
AI: for good, instead of evil.
Interesting read in the SMH and the application of AI on RA social media channels with a new partnership with ‘Social Protect’. With a ‘library’ of over two million words and emojis in over one hundred different language, users can also personalise the database to block out words they find personally offensive.
A trial of the platform saw over 1,500 abusive comments within a two month period (I get more than that weekly) be blocked from RA social media channels, and that can only be a good thing.
First of the First.
No, not New Year’s Day, but RA have confirmed Kurtley Beale (if recovered), Rob Leota, Seru Uru, Charlie Gamble and Andy Muirhead have all been named as the first players invited to participate in the First Nations Pasifika side to face the Lions in Mexico.
Kiwis cancel club games
stuff.co.nz reports that the Horowhenua Kāpiti Rugby Football Union (HKRFU) is postponing all club rugby this weekend due to ongoing referee abuse. Culminating in a recent match when members of the public were so concerned for a referee’s safety by visiting ‘fans’ that they walked him to his car after the match.
The HKRFU previously warned of its intentions in May should abuse continue. I can’t help but applaud the union for taking such a principled and brave decision. Well done to all involved in showing principal, leadership, conviction and bravery.
Bruvva from anuvva muvva.
Admittedly us Aussies are still ‘out’ on this topic, but Oirish hooker Dan Sheehan he seems genuinely surprised that an Englishman, in this case Pommy prop Ellis Genge, isn’t actually a d***head after all.
Sheehan tells planetrugby.com : “It’s mad how fast you can go from despising people to hanging around to go for a coffee with them. It’s probably just that rugby blokes are good blokes, you can turn on the hatred when you want it. He’s one person you enjoy having on your side now. He’s very real and says it how it is. He’s definitely someone that surprises you that he is not a d***head.” While it’s early days, one wonders if Lions players have ever married mid-tour before?
More free stuff.
I have another three signed copies of award winning cartoonist, Mark Lynch’s terrific book ‘The LIONS Down Under’, (available from Booktopia) to give away to lucky readers of Friday’s Rugby News.
In the comments section below, just pop your predictions for Saturday’s Force v Lions match with who wins and by how much, and the three nearest the mark win a book. If there’re more than three winners, I’ll randomly pick who I like most and offer the book to them. Simples.
Reminder
You can catch a full review of the Force v Lions match with Sully back on these pages after full-time. Obviously.
Until next week. Go the Force (yep, felt strange typing it too) and welcome Lions fans.
Hoss – out.
