Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to reduce productivity, avoid the mind-numbing mundaneness of it all and instead concentrate on that which makes life bearable, rugby bloody union.
Welcome to another seam-busting Friday’s Rugby News.
So much news, so little time. Today we address rumblings at Daceyville in ‘I Want to Break Free?’. Fall for a fake headline with ‘The Greatest Ever?’. Cast a critical eye over Queensland motivation and tactics in ‘Les Tanking?’. Dim the lights (and your expectations) and ready yourself for ‘Getting Intimate with Hoss’. Look at this week’s upcoming SRP matches in ‘Unlucky 13’. Preview the Wallaroos v Seppos test with ‘Wallaroos v Seppos Test’. And banish your budget blues with another ‘Friday’s Goss with Hoss’, whose surplus is so large I need to buy a bigger belt.
I Want to Break Free?
News breaking on Thursday in the SMH that Tahs talisman, this weekend’s 100 cap centurion and hard working skipper, Jake ‘Commissioner’ Gordon, has allegedly approached both the Tahs and RA for an early release from his contract. While it’s reported that the Tahs were open to the idea, the final decision rests with RA. And on that front RA have responded with a big ‘up yours’ and denied his request.
The SMH reports that Gordon, who is signed until the end of 2025, ‘was keen to explore an opportunity to play in France with Perpignan next season’.
While I can understand the Commissioner may be slightly miffed at RA’s decision, reading between the lines it may also mean that the refusal from RA means Gordon is central to St Joe’s plans for the upcoming July series against 6N also-rans, Wales.
Watch this space.
The Greatest Ever?
Well too be fair, when it comes to the Rebels it’s a pretty low bar isn’t it?
Interesting headline on rugby.com.au from serial click-bait provocateur Nathan Williamson. The headline reads: Rebels ready to take opportunity to become greatest ever side and unsurprisingly relates to the Rebs push to become the first Mexican side to ever make a combined Super Rugby finals series.
Williamson, a renowned master baiter, interviews Melbourne’s own Mr Anderson, winger Lachie, to discuss what this will mean to the players and coaches to play what is possibly their last ever home game this weekend, at wherever it is they play.
Currently 6th on the ladder, and only six points behind the 5th placed QPRQ side, the Rebs deserve every credit for how they’ve both conducted themselves and how they’ve played while under considerable off field duress. And whether they win this next up fixture at home or not, the players, coaches and all involved should be held in the highest regard, for life cannot have been a bag of laughs for all involved.
Who knows, maybe with all the excrement they’ve had to endure, the uncertainty, the varying stories, the absolute vacuous, information void RA has put them in, they might just surprise a few in the finals anyway. Adversity can also become a glue that binds.
‘Greatest ever side?’ Maybe, maybe not. A team and organisation that can hold their heads high regardless? Absofrigginglutely. Go well Rebels.
Les Tanking?
No, not the name of a late night SBS movie, although it would make for an interesting take on Outback Truckers. But in this case, I sense something far more sinister from the plotters and schemers of the Communist organisation: a deliberate tanking. It all wreaks of a tacit admission from the coach of the Reds that he is genuinely worried about the possibility of the Tahs sneaking into the eight and the damage they would almost certainly cause to all sides. Read on.
Riddle me this Gaggers. What possible reason would you take on the Drua, in Suva, in hot, humid, heavy and testing conditions, with a top four spot still to play for, yet rest so many of your usual and successful starting XV? The answer is simple: to help the Drua win. And in doing so, rule the Tahs out of contention for the final eight. That’s why.
What we have instead this week, courtesy of these tactics, is 14 rugby players, plus Suli Vunivalu, taking the field against the Drua. A side that must be licking its lips with the leg up Les has given them! No Fez, no Flook, no Harry, no Lynagh, no Blyth, no Greer, and with Suli on the wing acting like a 195cm turnstyle, the die is cast. Give me a break.
They may as well just forfeit the game and go out on the Gold Coast instead. ‘Respecting the Drua’? No way. ‘Resting Players’, for what, an early exit to the finals? No sirrrreee Bob. This is the equivalent of a rugby gerrymander. The Reds are scared of the Tahs and these are the despicable lengths they resort to to keep a (possibly) resurgent NSW side out of the finals. I haven’t been this enraged since I saw that underarm bowling incident a few years back, then realised it was only against NZ, so instantly didn’t care and indeed applauded the thinking outside of the box attitude and leadership.
Decency dictates a rugby royal commission be established now. And just for the record and as a point of reference, the Ukrainians would kill for a ‘tank’ of this magnitude.
Getting Intimate with Hoss.
28 minutes you’ll live to regret never forget. That’s right Gaggers, there’s a new podcast dropping at 12:30pm today (God’s time) called ‘Getting Intimate with Hoss‘.
Come with me and peek behind the rugby curtain and get to know the real person that lurks behind the rugby persona. Over the series we will talk to players, coaches and administrators alike and get their take on all things rugby in Oz, warts and all. Discuss just what their rugby journey been like, what are the sacrifices, their challenges and their aspirations. So light the incense stick, kick off your boots, pour yourself a tipple and make yourself comfortable.
Exclusive to G&GR at 12.30pm today. Also available on podcast providers that carry really, really poor content. And remember, if you don’t like the podcast, you can slash the seats.
Unlucky #13.
With three rounds to go it’s mathematically possible that all the teams are still in the hunt for the all important top eight finish. Some just so they can be knocked out first week of the final, but still boast of making the finals. So let’s jump into round #13 of SRP, no doubt it will prove unlucky for some.
Who wins and why see below. For all team news, check out Happy’s Thursday Rugby News.
Friday 17 May 5:05 PM AEST – Hurricanes v Moana Pasifika at SKY Stadium, Wellington.
Ok, so the Canes have made 11 changes, but I’m sure they still ‘fully russpict Moana Pasifikia’ but they’ll still be too strong for MP and their lot won’t they? MP have one upset in them every year. This will be that upset.
Fearless Prediction: MP by 4
Referee: James Doleman Assistant Referees: Jono Bredin, Fraser Hannon
Friday 17 May 7:35 PM AEST – Melbourne Rebels v Chiefs at AAMI Park, Melbourne.
Big game, big emotions? Maybe, maybe not. The Rebs have had everything thrown at them this year, but they just keep on keeping on. And I reckon they might be a smokie for this one. Provided Flash Gordon takes the reins alone for this one, in the absence of injured Andrew Kellaway as backup.
The Chiefs are wall to wall talent, threats everywhere and danger at every turn. But I just don’t care, sometimes every underdog just has its day.
Fearless Prediction: This is that time. Rebs by 6,
Referee: Nic Berry Assistant Referees: Damon Murphy, George Myers
Saturday 18 May 12:05 PM AEST – Fijian Drua v Queensland Reds at HFC Bank Stadium, Suva.
Said it all above.
Fearless Prediction: Drua by 15. For shame, Queensland.
Referee: Angus Gardner Assistant Referees: Matt Kellahan, Jeremy Markey
Saturday 18 May 2:35 PM AEST – ACT Brumbies v Crusaders at GIO Stadium, Canberra.
The Crusaders have broken more droughts this year than La Niña. Teams that haven’t ever won in Christchurch have won. Teams that haven’t won in Christchurch since colour TV was invented, have won. Teams that have never played the Crusaders ever, have still won. And so it will be for the Brumbies in this one.
The Ponies have not beaten the Saders since 2009, some 15 years ago. The Saders are without their actual and spiritual skipper in Scott Barrett and his loss, along with generally having little to no idea on how to play rugby, will add to their 2024 tale of woe.
Fearless Prediction: Ponies by plenty, 19.
Referee: Ben O’Keeffe Assistant Referees: Stu Curran, Jackson Henshaw
Saturday 18 May 5:05 PM AEST – Blues v Highlanders at Eden Park, Auckland, on Stan Sport
The Blues have rested a handful of players for this one, most notably Hoskins Sotutu (SRP player of the year anyone?). The Landers had a victory last up against the Crusaders, but who hasn’t? This will be a bridge too far for the Landers, though.
Fearless Prediction: Blues by 12.
Referee: Paul Williams Assistant Referees: Dan Waegna, Mike Winter
Saturday 18 May 7:35 PM AEST – Western Force v NSW Waratahs at HBF Park, Perth. Stan Sport
A concreter, an Argie backpacker and a Sydney guy walk into a bar and bloke yells, ‘you three wanna play rugby this weekend?’ and so the current NSW Waratahs front row is formed.
It’s well documented just how completely decimated the Tahs front row stocks are. Add to that a skipper who may want out, the loss of Flanders just as he is entering his prime years as a back rower, the loss of a #10 starting to get into his groove, a coach under pressure, a $4.8m loss, a CEO with the blowtorch applied to his privates and you start to get my drift.
There is no sensible or sane reason to back the Tahs chances at all in this one. Especially against a side that so comprehensively hammered the Drua last week and look to be in some pretty good form in their own right.
Fearless Prediction: Since when have Fridays been about sensible and sane? Tahs by 11. Lookout Les, here we come.
Referee: Jordan Way Assistant Referees: Reuben Keane, Jordan Kaminski
Wallaroos v Seppos Test.
Our golden girls got a brutal reality check last week against the Canucks. The team from Canada looked well drilled, cohesive and a real class above our team. When the Wallaroos were able to get fast ruck ball to the edges, they did look dangerous. However, the second half turned into kick-tennis and our kicks were, well, shite. That aside the Canadians were deserved winners and now move to #3 in the world rankings.
This weekend the Wallaroos are in Melbourne to take on world’s #10th ranked side, the Divided States of America. The match will be played as a curtain raiser for the Rebel v Chiefs match and I hope the alleged sports mad fans of Victoria actually show up for a change and support the ladies.
The Wallaroos welcome back gun front rower and 2023 Wallaroo Player of the Year, Eva Karpani to the starting side. But the really big news is the run on of 17yo teenager, Caitlyn Halse who will start at fullback. In doing so Caitlyn will become the youngest player ever, men’s or women’s, to run out for either of our national rugby side. Congrats Caitlyn and go well ‘Kid Dynamite’.
Starting XV: 1. Brianna Hoy (NSW Waratahs) – 4 caps 2. Tania Naden (ACT Brumbies) – 11 caps 3. Eva Karpani (NSW Waratahs) – 22 caps 4. Kaitlan Leaney (NSW Waratahs) – 16 caps 5. Michaela Leonard (c) (Western Force) – 23 caps 6. Siokapesi Palu (ACT Brumbies) – 7 caps 7. Ashley Marsters (Melbourne Rebels) – 27 caps 8. Piper Duck (NSW Waratahs) – 11 caps 9. Samantha Wood (Western Force) – 1 cap 10. Arabella McKenzie (NSW Waratahs) – 22 caps 11. Desiree Miller (NSW Waratahs) – 3 caps 12. Trilleen Pomare (Western Force) – 25 caps 13. Georgina Friedrichs (NSW Waratahs) – 20 caps 14. Maya Stewart (NSW Waratahs) – 9 caps 15. Caitlyn Halse* (NSW Waratahs) – debut
Reserves 16. Hera-Barb Malcolm Heke (Western Force) – 1 cap 17. Sally Fuesaina (ACT Brumbies) – 1 cap 18. Bridie O’Gorman (NSW Waratahs) – 18 caps 19. Atasi Lafai (NSW Waratahs) – 10 caps 20. Leilani Nathan (NSW Waratahs) – 3 caps 21. Layne Morgan (NSW Waratahs) – 20 caps 22. Faitala Moleka (ACT Brumbies) – 7 caps 23. Lori Cramer (Queensland Reds) – 20 caps *Denotes debut
As for the Seppos, they have some players who own guns, shoot animals and drive oversized utes and shop at Costco or Walmart and do stuff.
There’s also more than just wounded pride to play for. A win will see our team stay in the top ranked WXV1 league for next year, a loss could see them relegated to the WXV2 competition. Said it before and I’ll say it again, I love the idea of relegation and promotion across all rugby comps.
Fearless Prediction: Wallaroos by 23.
Friday’s Goss with Hoss.
Ned’s dead, baby.
Yet again a Friday Rugby News exclusive comes true (that’s one so far this year). Fan favourite, Ned Flanders Hanigan has confirmed he’s off on a 2 year paid French holiday. No details which club he’s signed for, maybe he’s just back-packing his way round for a while? Anyhoo, I am genuinely sorry to see him leave. He has been very good this year for Tahs and a gold jersey must have been close.
Travel safe Flanders and au revoir.
Turning Japanese? I really think so.
Last person out, turn out the lights. Announced via the same media release, news that Will Harrison has also accepted an offer from overseas. While no team has been confirmed, yours truly hears he’ll suit up for the Toyota Godzilla Spark Plug Air Fryers.
Mr Harrison had a shocking run of injuries but has forced his way back into the starting side at Daceyville. His flat attacking game, willingness to attack the line, left footed kicking option and laser-like goal kicking will be sorely missed.
Question without notice to RA: do you think someone at HQ might remove head from backside anytime soon, make a call on the Rebels future and in doing so, stop the entire destabilisation of our domestic playing and coaching ranks?
Just a thought.
Sam caned.
What’s harder than trying to improve on Friday’s Rugby News? Maybe trying to be a better ABs skipper than St Richie McCaw, that’s what. For the record, I quiet like Sam Cane. He plays with a toughness that must be admired and carries himself with a humility that earns respect. I thought he was stiffed getting the red card in the RWC final, but there you go.
stuff.co.unzid has a poll going on his replacement as skipper. At time of printing, the throat slitter was at 56%, well ahead of second choice, the All Black with the most red cards ever Scott ‘Vino’ Barrett. Noice choices huh?
Kiwi bums.
And for a change, they’re not bleeding our welfare system dry. Well not these ones anyway.
In a sure sign that Kiwi fans are growing tired of the rubbish entertainment from their rugby sides, there were four separate pitch invaders during the Highlander v Crusaders match last week. And if ever one needed proof that Kiwis simply cannot handle their light beers, two of these invaders were starkers.
Of these two naturalists one was fined, the other exonerated, when he explained he was taking a shortcut across the field to get to a nearby sheep station. When asked by the judge what his intentions were upon arrival at the station the Hansard shows he replied, ‘flocking’. Although it’s sincerely hoped that’s what he might have said anyway.
Sure we oppress, torture and maim, but here’s some cash.
Not content with marrying well above his station, former Soap Dodger Mike Tindall has waged into the debate about sports in general, and rugby union in particular, accepting Saudi money.
Speaking on ‘The Good, the Bad and The Rugby’ podcast, the royal rooter said, without a hint of discernible irony: “It’s a hot potato, but I would say yes. We seem to be a sport which never gets rewarded for our loyalty and our values”
So there you go kiddies, if you want to be rewarded for your loyalty and values, just accept large wads of cash from those who kill, torture and maim journalists and anyone else who has the temerity to speak out against the regime. You know, the very values of freedom, opportunity, fairness and decency, that our game purports to stands for. Or at least that’s what Mr J. Nutta of Unit 1725 – 1678 Cabramatta Boulevard, Hurstville NSW, 2220. Who finishes work around 9pm and parks his car three levels down in the complex car park and drives a fuchsia pink Nissan Micra, said to me.
That’s a wrap.
A reminder that G&GR godfather, don Sully, will be back tomorrow with his weekend edition. Need a rugby fix on a Saturday, then Sully has you covered.
Until next week. Go the Tahs.
Hoss – out.
