Rugby

Friday’s Rugby News.

What's the difference between a Cadbury Flake & The Cadbury Wallabies? One crumbles to pieces under mild pressure, the other is a chocolate bar.
Friday’s Rugby News.

Well that certainly blew chunks!

Hello rugby luvvas and welcome to Friday again. That time of the week to suspend common sense, turn off any ‘fact check’ apps you may use and dive head first into all things rugby.

With no rugby this weekend it’s time for some personal reflection on recent Orange performances with ‘The Effort Illusion’. Take a look at the Wallaby squad for Argentina in ‘Los Wallabies para jaguar FISMs’. Time to update & publish the ‘2022 Hossary’ to confuse a new generation of Friday rugby fans (yep, both of you) & bring it home with Friday’s Goss with Hoss currently ‘electronic ankle bracelet’ free.

‘Forget we lost again, how bout the ‘effort’ ah!’

The ‘Effort’ Illusion

‘Can’t fault the effort

‘The boys put in a big effort out there tonight, but………’

‘The effort at training during the week has been terrific………………’

That’s all fine and dandy, but & it’s a pretty big ‘but’, ain’t rugby a results orientated business?

I find myself having crossed the metaphorical rugby Rubicon G&GRs. I have reached my ‘acceptance tipping point’ with the current Wallabies, coaches & management and from a purely personal perspective, I am rather ticked off. I am flat out sick & tired of hearing ‘effort’ trotted out as some sort of excuse, defence or deflection to Wallaby fans. I also take umbrage at the umbrage shown by our lot when challenged about results. That us plebs should just accept that ‘the effort’ is all that matters and is used as some sort of bullet proof cloak that any criticism of the actual result then bounces off

Surely ‘effort’ should be the absolute minimum we should expect from our national professional rugby athletes? Are they not provided with every resource, facility, support, equipment, guidance, structure and assistance they require to thrive? I mean in the lead up to the recent three test shite-show against The Soap Dodgers, all promotion, engagement or input into the series was set aside by the Orange ones, so that they might stay at Planet Wallaby and roll out a performance befitting such focused, meticulous & precise preparations?

I don’t write this today on the basis of purely last week’s performance, though it did culminate in yet another series loss, but instead pen my thoughts based on a creeping malaise that has seemingly infected all in or around the Orange universe, that now dates back 12 months, maybe more. Twelve months, where to my eye we have not improved one iota, indeed I would wager we have actually regressed and regressed at exactly the time we should be showing ambition, growth and ruthlessness as we approach the 12 month countdown to the Parisian Festival of the Gilbert!!

I have been fortunate to see a captain’s run, have been a student of the game, travelled the globe and this wide sodden land as a fan of the Wallabies for decades and I have never questioned the effort or sacrifice that all involved have made and I still do not challenge the ‘effort’, for again, that should be an absolute given. Instead I’d suggest that if indeed the effort is right, yet said effort continues to roll out dross like that of the last three tests and those of 2021, then I have to give pause and ask:

‘if the effort is correct, yet the execution of skills and ensuing results remain so poor, than surely something is wrong with personnel, plans or process? If so then surely changes must be made accordingly to affect better outcomes?’

I mean, what am I missing here?

If the Wallabies don’t change their approach, their mix of personnel, plans, processes and their expectations, if they do not demand more of themselves and concentrate on the many areas that they fall short in, we are in for another RWC performance ala the 2019 RWC.

At a time when the code in Oz needs its ‘halo product’, the Wallabies, on the ascendancy with this year’s Comm Games 7s, the 2025 Lions Tour, 2029 Women’s RWC and the 2027 Men’s RWC the Wallabies are at best stagnant and at worst regressing.

Perhaps I should put it more succinctly. Watching the Wallabies play is like watching a bulldog eating porridge. I understand and respect the effort & intent, but bugger me if the results aren’t a complete bloody mess.

LOS WALLABIES PARA JAGUAR FISMs

not hot enough
‘We’re gonna stick it right up ya, nowaddaminn’!

2022 eToro Rugby Championship and Bledisloe Cup Fixtures

  • Wallabies v Argentina, Sunday 7 August, 5:10am AEST at Estadio Malvinas, Mendoza
  • Wallabies v Argentina, Sunday 14 August, 5:10am AEST at Estadio del Bicentenario, San Juan

Tell me Big Mick Cheika hasn’t had these dates highlighted on el calendario since he got the gig as numero uno with the Los Pumas!

The Wallabies squad has been announced and with injuries still impacting several players, there is a mixture of debutantes, squad rookies, those recovered from recent injury and those rewarded from their Australia ‘A’ form.

Make no mistake, MC will be lying in wait for the Wallabies, nor will he be scared by what he has witnessed so far from our lot. No doubt the Wallabies will be ‘hurt’, ‘brooding’, ‘looking to make a statement’ and all that stuff, but equally the FISMs will have their spirits and confidence ratcheted up a fair bit after a third test, 83rd minute series winning try against the Northern Wallabies Scots.

I expect typical ‘Cheik-ball‘ from Los Pumas, confrontational, abrasive, direct and passionate. Equally I expect a showing from the Wallabies befitting a chastened, determined, committed and far more polished side.

Don’t give me effort gents, give me a comprehensive series clean sweep with ruthless disciplined and effective rugby. Anything else is completely unacceptable.

Squad to tour Argentina

Allan Ala’alatoa (28, Brumbies, 55 Tests)

Rory Arnold (32, TBC, 29 Tests)

Jock Campbell (27, Queensland Reds, uncapped)

Quade Cooper (34, Kintetsu Liners, 75 Tests)

Pone Fa’amausili (25, Melbourne Rebels, uncapped)

Folau Fainga’a (27, Brumbies, 28 Tests)

Lalakai Foketi (27, NSW Waratahs, 1 Test)

Nick Frost (22, Brumbies, 2 Tests)

Matt Gibbon (27, Melbourne Rebels, uncapped)

Jake Gordon (29, NSW Waratahs, 12 Tests)

Reece Hodge (27, Melbourne Rebels, 55 Tests)

Michael Hooper (c) (30, NSW Waratahs, 121 Tests)

Jed Holloway (29, NSW Waratahs, uncapped)

Len Ikitau (23, Brumbies, 15 Tests)

Marika Koroibete (29, Saitama Wild Knights, 45 Tests)

Rob Leota (25, Melbourne Rebels, 9 Tests)

Noah Lolesio (22, Brumbies, 12 Tests)

Lachlan Lonergan (22, Brumbies, 4 Tests)

Tate McDermott (23, Queensland Reds, 16 Tests)

Fraser McReight (23, Queensland Reds, 2 Tests)

James O’Connor (32, Queensland Reds, 63 Tests)

Hunter Paisami (24, Queensland Reds, 17 Tests)

Jordan Petaia (22, Queensland Reds, 18 Tests)

Matt Philip (28, Melbourne Rebels, 23 Tests)

David Porecki (29, NSW Waratahs, 3 Tests)

Pete Samu (30, Brumbies, 22 Tests)

Irae Simone (27, Brumbies, 2 Tests)

Scott Sio (30, Brumbies, 70 Tests)

James Slipper (33, Brumbies, 117 Tests)

Darcy Swain (25, Brumbies, 11 Tests)

Taniela Tupou (26, Queensland Reds, 40 Tests)

Rob Valetini (23, Brumbies, 21 Tests)

Suliasi Vunivalu (26, Queensland Reds, 1 Test)

Nic White (32, Brumbies, 50 Tests)

Harry Wilson (22, Queensland Reds, 11 Tests)

Tom Wright (24, Brumbies, 12 Tests)

How many times do I have to tell these simpletons? And they reckon I’m slow.

The 2022 ‘Hossary’

A few questions popped up over the week regarding some nomenclatures I use on G&GR, so time to roll out the ‘2022 Hossary’ as a means of translating my complete crap high class contributions to the world of rugby fandom:

  1. Allan Ala’ataoa: ‘7As’– you figure it out.
  2. Taniella Tupou: ‘The Abattoir‘ – he will end the career of a lot of opposing pigs (front rowers) by the time he’s done.
  3. Dave Porecki: ‘Julia Roberts’ – both very adept at playing hooker (Pretty Woman)
  4. Folau Fainga’a: ‘Palestine‘ – another Folau, but not Israel.
  5. Angus Bell: ‘The Bull’ – ‘Angus’ is a breed of cattle and he’s built like a young bull as well
  6. James ‘Jimmy Slips’ Slipper. Both a play on his name and past indiscretions.
  7. Pone Fa’amausili: ‘Horse’ – it’s in his name.
  8. Cadeyrn Neville – ‘Methuselah‘ the oldest guy in the story
  9. Matt Philip – ‘The Bullshitter‘ – initials are MP, as in ‘Member of Parliament‘, who are full of shit.
  10. Lukhan Salakaia-Loto: ‘FKA’ (Formerly Known As) – changed his name a few years back from Lukhan Tui (for very personal reasons) so he was formerly known as…..
  11. Darcy Swain: ‘Lurch’ – google ‘Lurch’ from the Addams Family and tell me I’m wrong.
  12. Will Skelton: ‘John Holmes’ – both known for being ‘Big Willys’.
  13. Nick Frost: Happy to take best suggestion from the G&GR community & the winner receives a limited edition G&GR hat from Sully. A prize money can’t buy.
  14. Rory Arnold: ‘Andre the giant’ – the dudes like 208cm or something ridiculous.
  15. Rob Leota: ‘The Mule’ has a huge ass and does a lot of grunt work.
  16. Rob Valetini: ‘Sideshow Bob‘ – Both a play on his name, game & a character from the Simpsons with equally large hair
  17. ‘Dirty’ Harry Wilson: go ahead punk……..make my day
  18. Michael Hooper: ‘Lee Majors’  Hoops is on $1.2m per year for 5 years, so $6m. Actor Lee Majors played ‘Colonel Steve Austin’ in ‘The $6 Million Dollar Man’ (AKA ‘The Bionic Man’)
  19. Peter Samu: ‘The Porn Star’ – Fills ‘holes’ everywhere for the Wallabies.
  20. Senator David Pocock: ‘Brian’ – like Brian, Poey was also often mistaken for the messiah
  21. Fraser McReight: ‘Brian Jnr’ – looks and plays like a young Poey
  22. Jake Gordon: ‘Commissioner’ – Commissioner Gordon is police chief in Batman
  23. Nic White: ‘The Lip’  – two reasons, he never shuts up on the paddock and that handle bar ‘stache is just a ripper.
  24. Tate McDermott: ‘Joe Dirt’ – that haircut and the resemblance……..
  25. James O’Connor: ‘Jon Snow’ – he was ‘reborn’ in the North.
  26. Quade Cooper: ‘Lazarus’ – rose from the rugby dead.
  27. Noah Lolesio: ‘Phil Collins’ ‘Noah’ first appears in Genesis.
  28. Hunter Paisami: ‘The Squatter‘ he ‘squatted’ in his agent’s office for a few months when he first left Melbourne.
  29. Samu Kerevi: ‘Gandalf’ – based on Samu1.0 – ‘thou shall not pass’.
  30. Len Ikatau: ‘Fergie’  – Mrs Hoss walked pass one night when I was prepping my bit and said ‘who is lick-a-toe?’ (L.Ikatau)
  31. Jordan ‘of Nazareth‘ Pataia: miracles are expected from this young man.
  32. Marika Koroibete:  ‘The Exocet’  – always explodes into action.
  33. Andrew Kellaway: ‘The Ginger Ninja‘ both a ginger and goes about his work like an assassin
  34. Sulisu Vunivalu: ‘David’ – from Michelangelo – both cut from granite
  35. Reece Hodge: ‘The Clydesdale‘– a workhorse, reliable but slow, real slow.
  36. Tom Wright: ‘Fumbles’ when he’s on he’s on, but when he’s not.
  37. Dave Rennie: ‘Moses’– was supposed to lead us to the rugby promised lands.
  38. Michael Cheika: ‘Steven Seagal’– as Wallaby coach he was forever ‘Under Siege’ – well from 2016 onwards anyway
  39. Eddie Jones: ‘Dr Evil’ – uncanny resemblance to character of same name of Mike Myers.
  40. Hamish McLennan: ‘The Hammer’ – is a blunt instrument, hits hard and they stay hit. I like it.
  41. Andy Marinos: ‘Lex’  – Lex Marinos was an actor from ‘Kingswood Country’ who played an Australian of foreign ancestry.
  42. Rassie Erasmus: ‘Jaco Johan’ or ‘The Waterboy’ or ‘tool’ will also suffice
  43. Ian Foster: ‘Fozzie B Bear’ – most Kiwis reckon he’s a joker.

Miscellaneous

  1. The Nearlies: they’re not All Black – they are nearly All Black.
  2. The FISMs:  Falkland Island Silver Medallists – Argentina
  3. The Catholics or The Pope’s lot: South Africa. They refuse to have the pill.
  4. The FUKIRs: Formal United Kingdom & Irish Rugby Side also known as The British & Irish Lions.
  5. The Soap Dodgers: the English for their propensity to avoid bathing
  6. The Northern Kiwis: The Welsh and their ‘fondness’ for livestock too.
  7. The Haggis Eaters: Scotland
  8. Oirland: really?
  9. God’s chosen ones: NSW Waratahs, no brainer really.
  10. The Communists’ or ‘The QPQR‘ (The Queensland People’s Republic of Queensland) Queensland Reds
  11. The Ted Bundy XV or Puppy Killers: ACT Brumbies, they squeeze the life out of their opponents
  12. ‘Rebel Scum’: The Rebels, a Darth Vader quote
  13. ‘The Wedding Crashers’: Western Force, there to make up the numbers
  14. FUX Sports: well they did their best.
You heard it here first eventually

Friday’s Goss with Hoss.

Schmidt for brains?

With all the belly aching out of middle earth at their current coach ‘only’ enjoying a 66.70% win ration (what is ours again……) what odds on Joe Schmidt being added to the coaching team as both an ‘assistant’ and more precisely as a ‘Plan B’ if for when coach ‘Fozzie B Bear’ soils the bed sheets?

Kiwi drama & no I don’t mean ‘Shaun the Sheep’

Nine’s WWOS has a video showing some argie-bargie between former Nearlies star, now respected TV pundit Justin Marshall, and one Akira Ioane. The footage is from outside a venue after last week’s series loss to the Oirish. I bet Foster & co only wish Ioane and his fellow forwards showed as much fight on the field……..

Wait, isn’t that the same thing?

Interesting article and video on stuff.co.nz

When is dangerous, high and without mitigation contact to the head not a red card? Answer, who the fudge knows these days. Same type of incident one week apart. One a red and suspension, the other a yellow and no further case to answer. Apparently when the word ‘absorbing’ is used everything changes. ‘Chocolate wheel of justice’ or the game’s laws & application in a mess – you decide.

World Rugby Wan Rankings

Seismic shift in the balance of Global Rugby Power – worldrugby.com

Has there ever been a case where the World #1 ranked side crashes out in the quarters of a RWC……

Ai carumba.

Even in their defeat The Nearlies still stick it to us…..

That’s funny. Mongrels.

See you next week

Hoss – out

Rugby

A Masters from the Uni of Life, majoring in BS. Call the Hunter Valley home and a passionate Wallabies, Tah's and then the also-rans of Oz rugby next. Yearn for the days when uppitty Kiwis knew their place - losing in dying stages of Bledisloe's or as garbage collectors.

More in Rugby