From SANZAR HQ
Awarded the Wooden Spoon – Melbourne Rebels Rugby Union
For immediate release to all SANZAR Conference Forces.
For the most inconspicuous capture of points in action as the 5th Australian Conference Team, under the auspices of SANZAR, ARU and Super Rugby.
The Melbourne Rebels enlisted in SANZAR in 2010. After completing the requisite courses and payment of licences, they were posted to AAMI Park where they first saw active service in 2011, as the RaboDirect Melbourne Rebels. During 2014, they successfully attained the highest number of “likes” on Facebook.
During their tenure with SANZAR in 2014, as well as various local Australian skirmishes, they deployed on overseas operations in Forsyth Barr, Hamilton, Ellis Park and this week at Loftus. The Melbourne Rebels were stripped of the Weary Dunlop Shield for their actions against the Waratahs.
On the 12th July 2014, a specially selected team of Melbourne Rebels will complete their 2014 campaign by conducting a “smash and grab” assault into Loftus, South Africa, in order to capture or share points against the 10th placed Bulls. While there is a chance that victory may require this Wooden Spoon Award to be rescinded, SANZAR feels that the unlikely nature of operational success is limited, and therefore preliminary preparations for the investiture of the Wooden Spoon may commence.
Immediately upon insertion to the hot zone via team bus from their hotel, the Rebels will be engaged by a formidable number of forwards from multiple, dominating positions. The Rebels will be pinned down by counter-attacking measures from two Bull locks in an elevated fortified position (line-out) to the immediate west of the interchange area. Under the cover of rolling mauls, suppressive props and relentless small winger attacks, The Rebels Captain and his centres will be manoeuvred to within 22 metres of the enemy try-line by the attacking Bulls, in order to neutralise their defence. At this point the Rebels will need to dig-in and attempt to engage in trench warfare to regain the initiative.
However, this may well be a fruitless strategy and it is unlikely that the reserve forces will replace the starting team casualties with the required try-scoring power. The lack of team discipline in circumstances of extreme breakdown work will be instrumental to the defeat of the Rebels, against a superior enemy force.
As a result, the unconditional surrender of the RaboDirect Melbourne Rebels at the 80 minute mark should be anticipated.
The awarding of the Wooden Spoon to the RaboDirect Melbourne Rebels will be a relief to the other teams who were within range of the honour, such as the Golden Lions and the Qld Reds, and is in keeping with the finest traditions of SANZAR and the Australian Rugby Union.
Morné Mellet 1 Toby Smith
Bandise Maku 2 Shota Horie
Marcel vd Merwe 3 Laurie Weeks
Paul Willemse 4 Hugh Pyle
Victor Matfield (Capt) 5 Cadeyrn Neville
Roelof Smit 6 Luke Jones
Jono Ross 7 Scott Fuglistaller
Jacques Engelbrecht 8 Colby Fainga'a
Piet van Zyl 9 Luke Burgess
Handré Pollard 10 Jack Debreczeni
Francois Hougaard 11 Tom English
Jan Serfontein 12 Mitch Inman
JJ Engelbrecht 13 Tamati Ellison
Bjorn Basson 14 Alex Rokobaro
Jurgen Visser 15 Telusa Veainu
Reserves Callie Visagie 16 Pat Leafa
Werner Kruger 17 Cruze Ah-Nau
Nicolaas Janse van Rensburg 18 Paul Alo-Emile
Marvin Orie 19 Sam Jeffries
Jesse Kriel 20 Lopeti Timani
Jacques-Louis Potgieter 21 Jordy Reid
William-Small Smith 22 Nic Stirzaker
Dean Greyling 23 Lalakai Foketi
Location: Loftus Versfeld Pretoria
Kickoff: Sat 12 Jul 3:10 Referee: Rohan Hoffmann Assistant Ref 1: Stuart Berry Assistant Ref 2: Sieg van Staden TMO : Johan Greeff