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All-Time Crim 1st XV

Tex

Greg Davis (50)
DP we might need to expand the squad to include a Possibles and Probables XVs, just to ensure each creep and murderer gets a fair crack at final selection.

Off-field management and coaching staff can stay as is but I'm worried about quality candidates being shaded.
 

Braveheart81

Will Genia (78)
Staff member
DP we might need to expand the squad to include a Possibles and Probables XVs, just to ensure each creep and murderer gets a fair crack at final selection.

Off-field management and coaching staff can stay as is but I'm worried about quality candidates being shaded.


Or have one of the teams strictly for white collar crimes. This being rugby, that will be a more illustrious team to make than the team with the rapists and murderers.
 

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
As Chief Commissioner I delegated The Selectors to confiscate Raewyn the babysitter's bong for long enough for her to hammer out the spreadsheet for the upcoming Taxmen vs Axemen fixture.

Yeah, that's not happening.

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".....and THAT'S for the fucken bong."

Anyway, turns out there7s only TWO taxmen in the current match day XXIII. Shit-for-brains Matthew Ridge on the bench and evil bastard Glen Ella at fullback.

Raewyn did eventually highlight the taxmen in blue and the sex crims in red. No, I don't think we should call them "The Sexmen."

1 Parmeet Dabas: murdered 3
2 Henry Tromp: killing a farm worker
3 Bees Roux: cop killer
4 Rudi Virage: shot and killed his 19 yo daughter.
5 Michael Quinn ©. Melbourne Chargers. Kiddie fucker. He won’t even survive the first ruck.
6 Pita Wilson: kidnapping and assault
7 Joseph Ntshongwana: killed 3 with an axe
8 Marc Cecillon: performing the eternal willie-away on own wife
9 B.Kelleher: drunk and disorderly + innumerable crimes, many of them against All Black heritage. VICE Captain (haha, "Vice", get it, that's even worse than being regular captain of these arseclowns)
10 Paddy Jackson: rape
11 Eric Rush: careless driving causing death and injury
12 Japie Mulder: teen rape
13 Craig Wells. raping children.
14 Alejandro Puccio. triple kidnap/murderer
15 Glen Ella: nicking 20 million from kids charity

Bench

Tim Bristow: Banned from rugby for life in 1962 for knocking out 8 opposing players.
James Dalton: attempted murder
Carl Hayman: wifebeater
Sione Luaaki: trashing motel room/charged in with assault at a Tron bar/charged for careless driving and crashing/guilty of dropping 5 passes in one half of test match rugby football while playing for the New Zealand All Blacks.
Mark Catchpole: busted for dealing drugs. 9 months P.D
Stuart Olding: rape
John Payne: crippling someone in a bar fight.
Matthew Ridge: property development company went bust owing tradies & suppliers millions


Wider training group

Andrew Hore: killing seals
Lorenzo Bocchini: breaking bad meth cook
Tony Woodcock: drink driving
Keith Murdock: punching a pom in 1862 and maybe killing some bloke in the outback
Ali Williams: coke bust and general gormlessness.
Dillan Halaholo: sustained carpark wanking. Doing it for the kids.
R.Brooke (trying to root some kid up in the islands or something?)
Scott Higginbotham: assaulting cops
mafi: kidnapping
Willie Anderson: nicked a flag on tour in Argentina. Think bigger, Willie.
George Smith: charged with assault
Cliff Palu: weekend detention for assault.
Matt Henjak: broke Haig Sare's jaw
Jimmy Cowan: assaulting 2 bouncers. Plus stuffing up Auckland Blues backline for a season
Doug Rolleson, pokie machine money fraud: not for personal gain hence no jail
W.Ripia: looting own team dressing room haha.
Steve Pokere, helping fleece his fellow Mormons of $3.9M, 2 1/2 years jail.
John Ryan: busted for an attempted armed hold-up.
Regan King: borrowing chicks $$ to fuel gambling addiction
Brian Lima GBH
Losi Filipo: bashing up four, 2 of them women.
G.Moala: bashing people up on K Rd.
James O'Connor: cock I mean coke bust. (VERY handy bench option here, covers fullback, wing, the whole fucken backline. get set for a long tenure here, shit-for-brains)
Mitchell Scott: convicted of assault
Sevu Reece: bashing up his missus
Sivivatu: domestic violence against his girlfriend/wife
Cameron Shepherd: jumping on parked cars outside the Star Casino. Needs to find more cars. A lot more cars. And maybe another casino.
Roger Randle: suspected rape
Doug Howlett: jumping on cars post world cup exit
Khunt: distributing cocaine and not offering me any at all.
Zac Guildford (naked pissing and beating up an old bloke in Rarotonga)
Wendell Sailor: failed drug test for cocaine banned for 2 years
Yamanaka: failed roid test, banned for 2 years 2011-2013. Bonus points for saying he was "just trying to grow a moustache"


tHE sTAFF

Selectors:
Aunty Doris
Aunty Raewyn from up the shops
her niece
Raewyn the babysitter
the baby
a very confused Wayne Gunston
Official Team Mascot:
Nick Phipps in a cow costume
Coach:
Rob Howley: gamblin
Laptop analysis:
Quade Cooper - computer theft

Team Masseuse:
Alan Jones – public bogs gay sex solicitation

Video Analysis:
Alan Jones – re; bogs film at 11

Treasurers:
Nick Farr Jones and Rob Howley

Security:
Doug Roake: murder, robbery. although no deaths under his watch at Richie’s wedding. Well done, shithead.

Team Bus Driver:
Dan Carter – drunk driver

Groundskeeper:
Tony Daly - 500 hours community service for serial theft and driving offences

Ballboys:
Dave Alred and Paul Stridgeon (?)

Equipment/ball maintenance consultants:
David Warner
Steve Smith
Darren Lehmann
a few shady backroom bastards from the New England Patriots.

Physio, in charge of, you know, taping stuff:
Cameron Bancroft

Social Media manager:
Israel Folau
 

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
surely Amanafi Mafi has done enough to be in the WTS at least until the court case in which he could come on to the bench.

oh yeah, added that clown. He has a genuine shot at starting XV if convicted. Surely he will be. If not, I can still see him supplanting Lauaki on the bench as loosie forward slash loose unit.

Just so bizarre that squeaky clean Japan have gone ahead and picked him despite him obviously being an utterly bonkers raving-mad psychopathic wackjob criminal. I'd only have to jaywalk to instantly get 10 consecutive guillotinings to the nutsack in the town square at high noon
 

Dan54

David Wilson (68)
Shouldn't Stephen Bachop be in there for beating up his missus? She was a decent rugby player too.

And perhaps Johan Le Roux could be do diets although not a crim he did enjoy chewing Fitzie's ear!!

Norm Hewitt can be in charge of opening Dressing room doors, he didn't care which ones he kicked open when he was pissed!
 

Hound

Bill Watson (15)
Michael Cheika for what he has done to Australian Rugby - Could be an assistant coach - Sorry head coach as he doesn't want anyboby telling him what to do,
 

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
images


Best of order, best or order, sit DOWN you horrid rabble of thieving idiots, it's time for The Inaugural Alltime Crim 1st XV Annual Awards for 2019.

Big thanks to Willie Ripia for stealing the awards banner for tonight from the Galaxy store. Good choice, dumbarse!

We the selectors deliberated for hours and fucken hours behind closed doors for these awards so sit up and pay attention you shiftless degenerate dickheads.

The 2019 award winners are as follows:

Academic Achievement Award: not applicable.
Newcomer of the Year: Israel Folau
Community Service Award: Israel Folau
Darwin's Medal For Abject Stupidity: Israel Folau
Gunston Heavy Industries Inc Thumblocks Player of the Year: Israel Folau

OH MY FUCKING GOD, Izzy won the whole lot! A clean sweep for everyone's favourite bird-brained religious extortionist and contortionist of religious paradigms! Come on down, shit-for-brains!

191118111522-folau-bushfires-1-exlarge-169.jpg

"Duhhh."
 

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
Come to think of it..... what the hell was Izzy's crime? Clean sweep of all the awards and he's not really technically a criminal is he?
Wow, Gregan, that is a find. What was his real crime though? Apart from being a capitalist bastard.
Plenty of competition at halfback too, particularly given the selectors blind biased hatred towards the starting #9. Which really does need to be addressed. Catchpole, Henjak and Cowan getting the short end of the dickhead stick.
 

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
Court dates:

Mafi: Jan 27th
George Gregan: Feb.


ps given that they have only even heard of ONE of the players in the starting forward pack (Cecillon), The Selectors are now starting to wonder whether there should be some minimum-entry playing level to qualify? 1st class? Test level? Did those murderers and kidrooters in the forward pack ever amount to anything on the rugby field?
 
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