“As the Philistine XV packed down against the Marist midgets, they were confident they could decimate them in one last scrum. Reaching into their bag of tricks and remembering their coaches’ instructions, the Marist’s swung the ball wide, chipped ahead while the advancing Philistines slipped and tripped under the weight of their armour. The ball of destiny rolled into the promised land, and there, a small Joe Boy did fall down upon it. Boundless was the cheering that echoed across the eastern hills…”
And hence the Empire fell. For those who saw the match live or on YouTube (thanks again Steppa) you will agree the slighter, faster, more aggressive cattle dogs finally ran around and through the Imperial Walkers. Scots were destructive in their forward play but were uncharacteristically unsure in the backs with plenty of dropped ball. Scots College must be congratulated for being excellent hosts as attested by those who heard the gracious words of the Scots Captain post-match and the sumptuous spread put on. Bravo to the chefs. Congratulations to Joeys for showing the galaxy where that weakness was in the Death Star and how to exploit it.
With the lace doily Catholics beating the plucky Anglicans at Stirling Bridge and the Island Wookies upsetting their Colonial invaders on the shore of Stanmore, this final round reveals a remarkable menu. Better pundits than me have described the numerous possible finishes that lay head. Let’s see what we find in the oven this weekend.
Newington vs Shore at Planet Kashyyyk number 1
This will always be the season of “what could have been” for the Wookies of Stanmore. They have frustrated many an island princess and SG Ball league manager with erratic and rudderless play. Newington have shown the consistency that would make a world class baker weep. Too often the recipe of choice has either risen high to the heavens or fallen flat upon the baking tray. Newington will reflect upon those lost opportunities when they had their chance to finish off an opposition properly then chose to throw the final crumbs into the bin with the sauce packet. Always finish the pie. Lick the foil tray clean. Newington though were inspired last weekend by the smells and sounds of the faithful gathering around umu’s and the final score board summary would have stirred the hearts of the island clans. They know they have the players, the ingredients, good chef, it is just making sure what gets placed into the mixing bowl comes out correctly on Saturday This weekend the Wyvern Dragons play the ever improving and never say die bakers from Stirling Bridge. Since their remarkable defiant stand at the Dark Empire, hope has arisen within the North Shore faithful. Shore have been unswerving in their approach, it is just the amount of determination and forte that has changed in recent weeks. While their outstanding Beef and Stilton pie (with a hint of curry) is respected, it has been the application of sauce that has let them down. This weekend they must bypass the Heinz bottle and try something that will rip the ass hole out of a donkey. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Hope continues to swell but when will it arise? Newington by a dozen sheep ribs.
Shore should try this sauce. After eating one fajita one evening and admiring the flavor, I began to sweat. Then I began to breathe like a dragon with asthma, as I swear smoke was flying from my lips. My eyes were wide, though my wife swore my pupils were dilated to pin pricks. Imagine if you will a fat man, with all the grace of a water buffalo on ice skates, bolting back to the kitchen. Throwing open the fridge, I found the last mouthful of milk in the jug. Swishing it seemed to only anger the demon I had ingested, as my stomach boiled with the fire of Satan and his followers. Should get Shore moving.
St Joseph’s College vs St Ignatius within the dust bowl.
Joeys this week have trained the house down. The prancing lambs have found their bite and the good shepherds have shown that the long-term plan was to build to this weekend. They are not the same team that lost to Trinity and Barker early in the season. There is finally an opportunity to break the record equally premiership drought and, like a thirsty horse charging the machine guns at Beersheba, nothing gets between a Joeys 1st XV and the School Challenge Trophy. Optimism will be high after the win at Scots and the final ingredients have been added to the team. Belief is high upon this list. Much has been said about the mighty midgets of Joeys this season. Plenty of doubt was heaped upon them after the giants of North Parramatta stomped across them and exposed their attacking flaws. It was this experience of wrangling the Holstein cattle that provided the Joeys cattle dogs with the data of what was coming. Massive cow, Imperial walker….all the same in the end. The cattle dogs and big red roo’s could now handle the firepower of Bellevue if they just believed (and tackled all day). Riverview though looms like a the rising sun to the east. Jesuit Brethren has stirred. The head coaches are creating a team of Uruk-hai to defeat the Marist Marauders. Ugly, nasty creature which even Monte girls baulk at. Rumblings have been heard that Riverview consider themselves to be the dark horses of the comp. While beaten by Kings and Scots they have bested the Newington wild men and this provides them with confidence to take on the cerise and a blue 55th Army from across the river. The recipe has rarely changed but has grown in power and size since they were all given unlimited Uber Eats vouchers to the Lane Cove Chargrill Charlies. The girls of Loretto have even shown concern this week as the usual Snapchat banter from the Lane Cove lads has fallen silent.
“What are the boys doing and why are they not showing me any attention? “can heard wailing from homes in the lower shore. Riverview will be hosting a huge crowd with plenty of reunions assembled. Utes will be parked and circle work will be mandatory if Joeys win. Will there be a return to the bad old days when full goosed old boys would pour out the Longy and cause trouble, or, will there be peace in our time? What is certain, Riverview will do what they do best. They will do everything to ruin the Joeys party. Joeys by three lamb shanks.
Kings School vs Scots College at North Parramatta polo field.
Beware the wounded warriors. This weekend will see two mighty armies assemble upon the pristine polo field at Kings school to battle for the final time. What will also be just as keen will be the battle of picnic tables, tents and latest Roll Royce 4WD’s parked upon the viewing slopes surrounding the field. Scots normally have world class picnic baskets stuffed full of imported French cheese, Italian charcuterie, Russian sturgeon caviar served with mother of pearl caviar spoons to avoid tainting the taste, and, a couple of bottles of Champagne Krug Clos d'Ambonnay 1995 . The Kings spread, while not a fancy and expensive as the Scots smorgasbord, still packs a punch with cold cucumber and shirataki noodle salad with hot Sichuan sesame dressing, cheddar scones with pickled celery and grilled figs and wicked crab and cheddar tart. All is set for the final match. Scots this week will be in the unusual position to analyze a defeat, something not done for a while. What have they learned and how will they react? The Kings men may be weakened by the loss of some key beasts, they still though have a blue print to follow as provided by the Joeys boys. Scots seemed to be unprepared for the kick and chase game of the Joeys boys and this provided small cracks that were exposed later in the contest. Kings have a quality back line with firepower to wield like a broadsword, but only if their cattle can contain the Imperial walkers all game. Line-outs and scrums will be key. Both teams will want the Jesuit Brethren to take out Joeys, but both must focus on the game at hand. It can be a dangerous thing to have one eye on the ball and another on your twitter feed. Many have picked Scots in this final tussle, and rightfully so, as they are on paper the strongest XV still left standing after a long season. But Kings are too proud to finish a season 2nd considering they did not give their best the week before. The sight of the Newington scoreboard showing wins to the Wookies all day will have upset them greatly. Pride is on the line. This weekend Kings will make amends. Match of the round. Kings by three scotch eggs.
The new self appointed coach of Scots College 1st XV explains the game plan to his players
Joker. Season 2018