Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond

[KiwiM]

I really hope the Auckland NPC performance is a case of everyone relaxing after winning Super Rugby; because watching so many Blues players play so badly is worrying.

(Posted mid way through watching Auckland v Canterbury- a game most notable for TJ losing his shit multiple times in the commentary box on the back of some horrible play).

I wouldn't worry too much from a Blues point of view

For a couple of reasons

1) Auckland were shit last year

2) There are a lot of non Blues players in this team - in fact most of the team that played Canterbury is non Blues. By my count of only 5 of the starting XV are 2025 Blues players and only 1 or 2 of the bench.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Loss Bleus may have a new designated Messiah in the form of former designated Messiah Carlos Spencer's son Payton.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Loss Bleus may have a new designated Messiah in the form of former designated Messiah Carlos Spencer's son Payton.

Not so fast.

Been down that road with Michael Jones boy who was a bewilderingly terrible rugby player. Fella is absolutely stealing a living as a pro rugby player.




TLDR:

 

[Bullrush]

Not so fast.

Been down that road with Michael Jones boy who was a bewilderingly terrible rugby player. Fella is absolutely stealing a living as a pro rugby player.




TLDR:

Holy.Shit.

God there were some hard, hard....fukn horrible times in there. Is Tasesa Lavea covered in the 'Random 1st 5'?

 

[cyclopath]

Holy.Shit.

God there were some hard, hard....fukn horrible times in there. Is Tasesa Lavea covered in the 'Random 1st 5'?

Triggered...

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Tasesa Lavea

 

[Bullrush]

Imagine how I feel also being a Manu Samoa supporter!

 

[Dismal Pillock]

MAR 22: Blues vs Crusaders​

APR 18: Crusaders vs Blues​

 

[Dismal Pillock]

The Super Rugby Champion

Auckland Blues 2025 Season Preview.

Hello and Welcome to.....

The Official NZRFU Auckland Blues 2025 Season Preview.


Now then, let's get straight down to business and meet YOUR 2025 Auckland Blues:

*disclaimer: NONE of these 3 pricks in this picture play for the Auckland Blues. Not one of them. Not f******* having it.

​

Blues squad for 2025:

Props: Angus Ta’avao, Ofa Tu’ungafasi, Marcel Renata, Jordan Lay, Joshua Fusitu’a, PJ Sheck, Ben Ake

Hookers: Kurt Eklund, Ricky Riccitelli, James Mullan

Locks: Laghlan McWhannell, Cameron Christie, Patrick Tuipulotu, Sam Darry, Josh Beehre

Loose forwards: Cameron Suafoa, Adrian Choat, Dalton Papali’i, Anton Segner, Hoskins Sotutu, Che Clark

Halfbacks: Finlay Christie, Sam Nock, Taufa Funaki

First five-eighths: Stephen Perofeta, Harry Plummer, Beauden Barrett

Midfielders: Xavi Taele, Corey Evans, Meihana Grindlay, Rieko Ioane

Outside backs: Zarn Sullivan, Mark Tele’a, Caleb Clarke, AJ Lam, Payton Spencer, Reon Paul, Cole Forbes

Ins: Ben Ake, Cameron Christie, Che Clark, Beauden Barrett, Xavi Taele, Payton Spencer, Reon Paul

Outs: Soane Vikena, James Thompson, Akira Ioane, Rob Rush, Lucas Cashmore, Bryce Heem, Kade Banks, Caleb Tangitau

Let's Meet The Key Players:

Dalton Papalii (flanker)

Dependable, serviceable, power where you need it.

Will f*** you up from 20 paces.

Sam Darry (Lock)

Long and lean.

Also capable of murder if pointed in the right direction.

Stephen Perofuture (back)

As you can clearly see from this picture, Stephen needs to put all his shit together to really prove he is capable.

Harry Plummer (1st 5 eighth)

Harry is the rudder at the tiller of The Killdozer. Clearing a path as the bodies pile up and the tears of the wounded and incapacitated threaten the levee. Cry now, cry later for the tears of the vanquished are the sole source of sustenance for The Auckland Blues Killing Machine

AJ Lam (back)

No oil painting. Feisty. Goes bang often. Has a brown handle.

Three Fingers Marcel Renata (prop)

Sleek for a prop.

Only has 3 fingers so ffs don't pass him the ball, Ofa, you giant drongo.

Ooops, old pic in my phone, that's me in my backyard, nothing to see there, delete that one, on to the next pic please.

Taufa Funaki (halfback)

Short and wild.

Will sneak up on you and make a horrible mess of your hopes and dreams and your stupid little life plans.

"What'd Hoskins ever do to you, mate? Did he root yer mum's dog or something? Did he pash your daughter at the Blue Light Disco? Come on mate, you can tell me, we're just sitting here having a ch

Anton Segner (flanker)

Smooth teutonic lines. Like an Audi being bumfucked by a BBC I mean BMW.

Patrick Tuipulotu (lock)

Huge and terrifying and old.

Has a black handle and a long barrel.

Rieko Ioane.

Is he a centre or is he a wing? Centre? Wing? Centre? Wing?

In the time you've taken ruminating over this most pressing issue, the tenured princeling has already run in 12 more tries in GIF format vs the stupid Melbourne Rebels.

Finlay Christie (halfback)

Where's the hammer? Where's the trigger?

Yes, it's true. Finlay has some work-ons.

".....he's playing both sides of the ball mate, clearing out, quick to his feet, you see what you Cantab pricks don't get is the game is about scoring tries and Hoski​

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Mark Telea (wing)

Smooth, sexy and elusive.

Enjoys frolicking in tight with the big boys of The Killdozer......













.....sometimes a bit too much.

Ricci "Ric" Riccitelli.

Poor little bugger.

The starting hooker on the Super Rugby champion team but he's so far down on the depth chart that Razor will call up James Parsons mum before he calls up poor wee Ricci.

Poor wee fella.

Caleb Clarke (wing)

Definitely a gun.

Sam Nock (halfback)

You little f******* beauty!

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$2.99 O.N.O

Laghlan MCWHANNELL (lock)

A nameless faceless cog in the Killdozer engine room.

If this is the last thing you ever see then The Auckland Blues 2025 Coronation is still on track.

HOSKINS SOTUTU

#1 MOST HATED.

FUCK THEM C***TZ UP, MY MOTHERF*****************ERRRRR

Josh BEEHRE (Lock)

Yet another nameless faceless grunt from the coalface.

Participates in lineouts and scrums and rucks.

Other information on this crucial cog in The Killdozer is only divulgable on a need-to-know basis.

"..... and further to that, bloody Akira, maaaaaate, there's your number 6 staring you right in the f******* face, why you want to bother getting that deadshit Frizzle back from Japan, blokes a f****** deadbeat arseho

Cameron SUAFOA (Forward)

Cameron is so tough that legend has it as soon as he beat cancer he celebrated by trying to chew through this gun.

No, Cameron, no, no, we said.

The gun has got lead in it and lead is a known carcinogen.

Not again Cameron, not again.

Rumours persist that this is how Cameron contracted cancer in the first place.

Oops, sorry, unrelated picture of GAGR forum member @Tomikin .
My mistake.

Zarn SULLIVAN (back)

You wouldn't believe it but this is the exact same gun that Cameron Suafoa once tried to eat after he beat cancer.

Ofa TU'UNGAFASI (prop)

Short and stout but if it falls off a building and hits you in the head it could kill you.

Adrian CHOAT (flanker)

Fairly unfashionable and nondescript. Until it goes bang and your insides are now your outsides.
​

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Righto, that's enough of all that, time for some crucial 2025 season predictions.....

2025 Season Prediction:

​

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Waaaaaaay tl/dr @Dismal Pillock but I think maybe you're suggesting "iT's OuR yEaR aGaIn"? I thought such suggestions were considered premature pre-Christmas hols? Clarifying for a friend.

 

[Wilson]

I think you missed someone in the key players section...

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Is playing with fire a hobby @Wilson or have you turned pro?

 

[Dismal Pillock]

I think you missed someone in the key players section...

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Stern Vern's contract has been extended by a year to now include 2026.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

2026.

The very concept of "time" is but an arbitrary construct for Blues opponents. How many seconds are in 80 minutes when your life is reduced to the role of a bleeding, limping insurgent awaiting the reprieve of a halftime that will never, ever, ever come?

"Please coach please, please substitute me, mummy, mummy, can't you do something, anything, mummy, mummy, I don't want to play this sport any more, mummy I'm bleeding from my rectum and my face is gone, mummy, mummy, look what the Killdozer did to me, mummy, mummy, this isn't fun any more."

I heard Stern Vern signed his name on the contract using the blood of his victims.

I heard he signed it in the pouring rain at the centre spot of the old Lancaster Park using the tears of an assembled gaggle of Cantab children.

I've been hearing these voices.

 

[zer0]

Just waiting for Joe Schmidt to slide on in following the Lions series. Then the killdozer will evolve into its final form of the killstar-deathdozer (name is still a work in progress).

 

[Dismal Pillock]

deathdozer

 

[zer0]

“If you haven’t won something you’re always clutching for straws and second-guessing yourself. Now we know what good looks like. I’m looking forward to putting that in place for another couple of years and being consistent in what we do, how we behave and our DNA.”

“If it works, why would you want to change? We can certainly develop things. The more time you spend together and train certain aspects the better off we’ll be.

“We’ll do what it takes to win. I don’t believe we need to adjust a lot.”

Confirmation that things will continue as-is and that the noodly armed southron's will have to muscle up to force a change.

“The season being dynamic and demanding there will be opportunity around game time. Harry did an outstanding job last year. Beauden is coming back he’s conscious he has to work his way back in – it’s not going to be given to him.

I want to believe Beauden starting isn't a given but I'm skeptical that NZR/Robertson won't force the issue.

“Stephen has stepped in at 10 as well. Zarn will play multiple positions – he could be in the midfield.”

I think he would be much better used at 10/15, and the midfield comment may suggest he's being lined up as a bench player. Possibly even to create a regular 6/2 split...

Though, more likely, just to accommodate Beauden starting