Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond

[Dismal Pillock]

Hello sir, I am Brother Zero, and this is brother Dismal. Please forgive my brother's silence, he is a mental and he completely forgot how to talk after about 4 matches of the Auckland Blues 2016 season. He's happy enough these days but a total dimwit with a deeply-traumatised and mental brain. ​

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Now then, down to business. We are with the Church of Akira Ioane Martyrdom, based in Pitcairn-Onehunga. Can we quickly talk to you about a very important conspiracy related to our beliefs that not many people know about?​

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We believe this man pictured on the front of the pamphlet is involved in preventing Our Lord Akira from ascending to his rightful throne at the base of the All Blacks scrum. We don't know anything about the man in the picture but that hasn't stopped my mental brother Dismal from writing an elaborate conspiracy theory, all detailed in the pamphlet, revolving around this individual. ​

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Fair warning though, some of the pictures detailed in the pamphlet are somewhat on the crude side as they were rendered while Brother Dismal was in the throes of one of his trance-like "visions" so if you are offended by backwards swastikas and comically-small wangers then please tread lightly.​

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Thank you for your time and we hope that the instructive examples contained in our pamphlet here demonstrate the strength of the Church of Akira Ioane Martyrdom. Please, take this literature and distribute it among your philistine wanker friends who we believe may be in on the conspiracy.​

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Have a good day, sir.​

 

[The torpedo]

Dismal's gonna love this:

https://www.rugbypass.com/news/luke-mcalister-will-not-joining-ospreys-club-matter

 

[dbcooper]

 

[Dismal Pillock]

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

OK all you Bloos fans can relax, the Bro.s Ioane aren't going anywhere for the time being at least:

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=12082224

Dismal will be pleased to hear that McAllister has retired. I was a little shocked to realise he's only 34, it feels like he's been an ex-AB for yonks.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Auckland Blues 2018 Season Review

As A Man Thinketh

Effect Of Lack Of Thought On Circumstances

A man's mind may be likened to a garden. In Tana's case, this garden is jumbled with triffids and, well, nothing else because here in 2018 the triffids choked and ate everything that once grew. All that is left is triffid-subsumed confusion and the barren promise of dead dreams, infertile, abject and risible.

"Where once here in Onehunga there was the fertility of hope now there is but the futility of,
um..... wow, you have really nice hair, can I, like, touch it?"

It wasn't always like this. Before the Year of the Triffids choked and ate everything in an annus horribulus borne of pestilence and savagery there were weeds. Weeds, glorious weeds. The Auckland Blues went 7 and 7 in 2017! The weeds were ugly but sturdy. Before then, 8 and 6 in 2016! That's a winning season, motherfuckers! The weeds were hanging in there, perhaps about to blossom int ohhh fuck, here comes Tana with the 245-T.

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Where once there was light and hope, now all is pestilence and death.
"Coach Tana, did you spray 245-T on these delicious looking fruits?"
"No, just all over the Auckland Blues. The fruit is safe to eat."

As character can only manifest and discover itself through environment and circumstance so then we come to the Auckland Blues. Dead last in New Zealand rugby, again, with a record of 4 and 11. The Blues manifest motherf***ing destiny is about to be 4 and 12 once the Cantabs canter to a piss easy victory on the weekend to ensure Coach Tana Umaga finishes the season with a 5% victory ratio vs NZ teams. 1 from fucking 20. The summarily-dismissed predecessors messrs Kirwan and Lam were like Torville and fucking Deans compared to 1 and 20. ONE and fucking 20! Let me guess, we're "going through a process." This just in, no amount of "process" or "character" can overcome shitty contracting and coaching. Or 21 of the 23 players being fucken unco c**ts.

In 2018 the rivers of blood flowed freely through the moonlit, mean and unwed dogtown streets of Mangere after dark. Four. Fucking. Wins.

Man is buffeted by circumstances so long as he believes himself to be the creature of outside conditions. Thus Tana will refuse to fall on his 5% sword. Hey, the masses will blame the Board, he reasons, the circumstance will buffer not buffet. The shitshow will go on.

The next coach in line is a fucking CANTAB, Leon Mcdonald.

Tana's had a good grace period of 3 years.

Ronald fucken Mcdonald should get about 3 games before the wolves turn.

The foreign animal bays at the moon. Or is he laughing his arse off as all the other dumb c**t animals drink the 245-T infected water.

And so we come to the players of 2018.

15 Matt Duffie. 3/10. Played fuckall, did fuckall. NO LONGER an All Black.
14 Melani Nanai. 4/10. barely played due to being hated by Tana.
13 Michael Collins. 3/10. played all the time, did nothing. Paired up with Rieko in the CENTRES to hand Laumape 4 tries. In one game. Clueless at centre, slow at fullback.
12 Rieko Ioane. 8/10 slogged his arse off but the world's best winger did not know a fucking THING about defending at 2nd 5. Nice one, Tana.
11 Caleb Clarke. 5/10. just a kid, barely played but didnt fuck up too much. Potential 2019 Designated Messiah material
10 Stephen Perofeta. 6/10. from the sublime to the ridiculous, often in the same phase.
9 Augustine Pulu. 4/10. His D bailed them out but his pedestrian pass is just another handbrake on the Lada
8 Akira Ioane-Whitelock. 10/10. GO FUCK YOURSELF HANSEN
7 Blake Gibson. 5/10 didnt play all year then punched Rieko in the head.
6 Jerome Kaino. 3/10. limped into the finish line.
5 Matiaha Martin. 0/10. NPC player. wft is this.
4 Gerard Cowley-Tuioti 2/10. tries hard. loses.
3 Ofa Tuungafasi. 5/10. puts himself around I suppose
2 Matt Moulds. 3/10. can't fucken throw
1 Alex Hodgman 3/10. too small

Night falls in Howick but the local Chinese have no interest in the barbaric spectacle of rugby. They're too busy barbequing their sparrows.

Reserves:

James Parsons 0/10. absolute shit.
Pauliasi Manu 3/10 did he even play?
Sione Mafileo 3/10. whatever
Ben Nee-Nee 0/10. wft is this
Murphy Taramai 0/10. what? who?
Sam Nock. 2/10. petrified.
Bryn Gatland. 1/10. Goodbye.
TJ Faiane 7/10 actually Blues 3rd best player this season. at least he fucken tries

The giant Australian bunny-thing bays/laughs at the moon as darkness cloaks the malaise at the heart of the entire Auckland Blues organisation. ​

"Fuck it, let's go to the movies or something. ​

"We can't, we're lions, and as such have little access to the currency required to gain entry into a movie theatre. Dumbarse."​

 

[zer0]

Shush now. The cold sweet embrace of the final Super Rugby whistle will soon be upon us. And then, from the ashes of the great Blue despair, shall be born the Black laser kiwi-phoenix of vengeance.

And lo, did he speak: you c*nts are f*cked now, for I have donned the black and now my season begins.

With it's mighty laser pew-pew eye of Mordor-Onehunga, shall it smite the giant 'Strayan bunny-thing, the Seth Afrikaan deer, and Bagheera's South American cousin in quick order. Hence, following the slaying of the four beasts of the south, shall the laser kiwi then move unto some pruning of weeds from the shrubbery. Namely roses and shamrocks. But some cherry-blossoms too. Can't have any of these weeds creeping near Bill.

Here, following the teachings of master Kenobi, does High Priest Read of the Church of the Seventh-Positioned All Black, strike down from the high ground to bar Bradley Cecil Mortimer Shields III, the heretic of the great red rose, from entering the shrubbery.
Also pictured: five other members of the All Blacks pack (the final two having naturally been sin-binned by some nefarious French refereeing), and a bemused Englishman who doesn't know WTF is happening with these oddball Kiwi's, nor why he's suddenly wearing a great helm.

To quote the Istari of Hinuera: "End? No, the season doesn't end here. An underachieving Blues season is just another path, one that we all must watch. Then the grey rain-curtain of this season rolls back, and all turns to silver glass. And then you see it. A black strip. And beyond, all those c*nts who were ruining your season in the derbies are now on your side, leading to a swift Bledisloe series victory."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Mordor-Onehunga

This sounds very classy.

Like "Milner-Skudder" classy.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Turns out Michael Collins is eligible for Wales (& Ringnland) but it's OK, Dismal, he's re-signed for at least another Super Rugby season plus two more for Otago:

https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby...but-not-before-seeing-through-blues-challenge

 

[Dismal Pillock]

OH WHAT A RELIEF.

MICHAEL COLLINS AT CENTRE IS THE DEFENSIVE LYNCHPIN OF TANA'S AUCKLAND BLUES BACKLINE.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

^^^^^^^^ I knew you'd be relieved (or want to relieve yourself )

 

[KiwiM]

This is actually some bloody good news.

It's become obvious Blues need a new forwards coach. Coventry was the forwards coach for the Chiefs when they won back to back Super Rugby titles in 2012 and 2013. He was also very successful in his first season as head coach of North Harbour of last year's NPC.

Coventry forwards + MacDonald backs = promising.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/rugby/news/article.cfm?c_id=80&objectid=12087808

Tom Coventry is the preferred candidate to be the new forwards coach of the Blues, meaning head coach Tana Umaga will probably have a different set of assistants from next season.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

^^^^^^ might also help get some buy-in from Harbour who don't seem particularly interested in their being part of the franchise. It's worth noting that no-one from Counties Manukau RU has mooted switching back to the Chiefs since Tana became Bloos coach, this used to be an almost annual event.

EDIT: not that it's just NH with engagement issues, apparently the Auckland RU & Blues boards aren't on good terms, one sticking point being that Auckland's M10 Cup squad aren't allowed to use the Blues HPC.

 

[KiwiM]

^^^^^^ might also help get some buy-in from Harbour who don't seem particularly interested in their being part of the franchise. It's worth noting that no-one from Counties Manukau RU has mooted switching back to the Chiefs since Tana became Bloos coach, this used to be an almost annual event.

That's strange. I know there is friction between Blues and Auckland but I thought the Blues private ownership (Murray Bolton etc) and management had links with Harbour? Plus Blues current forwards coach is ex Harbour head coach Steve Jackson, plus Blues scrum coach is also Harbour scrum coach (Ben Afeaki).

More confirmation

https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/super-rugby/105459861

Former Chiefs assistant Tom Coventry is set to become the next forwards coach of the Blues. Stuff understands an announcement could be made imminently and Coventry will join the ailing Auckland club's coaching team with Tana Umaga and Leon MacDonald for their next Super Rugby campaign.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

^^^^^^^ my info is that there's a perception in NH that the Blues will look at an Auckland schools player before a NH M10 Cup player, they were defo miffed when Little went to Japan 'cos the Blues wouldn't give him the (mostly off-season) time he needed to get himself injury-free. Tevita Li's situation also gets mentioned from time to time. But I think the small crowds the Blues get an Albany, even v SA teams (big SA-expat community in NH) says it all, really.

 

[KiwiM]

Interesting. Certainly was ridiculous not to select Little. Faiane has been a dud in comparison. Plenty of other dud signings too, Preston from Harbour, Apisai from Wellington, Kirikiri as cover etc.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Final match of 2018 season.​

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Blues 54​

Cantabs 17​

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I forget the final score, may have the team's scores a bit arse-about-kite there.​

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Cantabs getting some solid tackling practice in before the playoffs. No need to try too hard on attack. Don't want to run it up and hit the playoffs all complacent. But, oops, towards the end there, well, if you're offering, fine then, don't mind if I do.​

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The Blues did not know A SINGLE FUCKING THING about Jack Goodhue or Seta Tamanivalu.​

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On the bright side, Mafileo and Manu had a nice wee scrum for the penalty-try​

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In the most sobering news of the night, that was about as well as the Auckland Blues could play and they still lost 54-17.​

 

[KiwiM]

Tom Coventry confirmed as forwards coach for next year. Him and MacDonald are seriously rated coaches who have had success - Tana needs to get out of the way and let them do their thing.

http://theblues.co.nz/tom-coventry-to-join-blues-super-rugby-coaching-team/

 

[KiwiM]

Coventry is working his magic already.

The Blues and New Zealand Rugby today announced that All Black and North Harbour prop Karl Tu'inukuafe will join the Super Rugby club for the next three years.

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/rugby/news/article.cfm?c_id=80&objectid=12095750

 

[Dan54]

Tom Coventry confirmed as forwards coach for next year. Him and MacDonald are seriously rated coaches who have had success - Tana needs to get out of the way and let them do their thing.

http://theblues.co.nz/tom-coventry-to-join-blues-super-rugby-coaching-team/

Hope he does to KiwiM, because funnily enough I reckon this is exactly what Qld Reds should be doing. Tana is the head coach by all means, but let Conventry and MacDonald have space to actually do their work. I suspect if he does Blues might actually look a fair bit better next year!