EVERYFWDTHINKTHEYREA6OR7
Syd Malcolm (24)
Wow can someone give me the gist because this appears to be a lot of reading.
Press releases from the ARU Media Unit
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MrTimms
Ken Catchpole (46)
No they aren't, they signed to play for the Rebels in 2012, this season they are still Force and Waratah players. Just as AAC (Adam Ashley-Cooper) is a Brumby, etc.
Cat_A
Arch Winning (36)
Twenty-one-year-old James O’Connor will start his maiden Test as a flyhalf after today being named in the number 10 jersey as the Qantas Wallabies combination for Saturday’s James Bevan Trophy Test against Wales in Cardiff was announced. Ummmm I would’ve gone with “James O’Connor will start at 10 for the first time in the Wallabies side to face Wales in the James Bevan Trophy Test” See how much easier that is to understand. Oh, and it’s ok to refer to the Wallabies as a team rather than a combination- people have been doing it for years.
The selection follows the polished performance from the position given by the new Melbourne Rebels recruit during last weekend’s 60-11 win over the Barbarians in London. I’m sorry – what?
Although he didn’t score a try, O’Connor directed operations skilfully, varying his running and passing game, while also kicking all eight placed goals that he struck as well as a wobbly but effective field goal. I like how you say “that he struck” – well done. Still a clumsy sentence and I’d argue that this sentence could go along with the above to form an actual paragraph for a change. But I understand that it’s your team announcement to butcher.
The Wallabies backline starts in tact from that match, with inside centre Berrick Barnes having recovered from the blow to his back which forced him from the field at Twickenham. What the hell does “in tact” mean? If you meant to say unbroken then the correct word is “intact”. But that’s not the right word since teams can’t be broken. I think you meant to say “unchanged”. If you wish to use a fancier word, please don’t just use the most impressive-sounding word from the Microsoft Word Thesaurus – it makes you look like an ass. May I suggest: unaltered, consistent, stable, steady… any of these would offer up a more suitable synonym than the one you tried unsuccessfully to use.
He returns, with last weekend’s impressive Wallabies’ first-timer Ben Tapuai included on the bench, from where he will get to make his Test debut should he be pressed into action during the game. I’m sorry – who returns? Berrick, JOC (James O'Connor)? The majority of the article has been about JOC (James O'Connor), Berrick’s been mentioned in passing in the last sentence – you know, the one you tried to pass off as an actual paragraph? I’m going to guess Berrick.
Queensland Reds utility back Ben Lucas has also made the bench, as the replacement halfback, and will also be on debut should he be called on to take the field. Ok now you’re just fucking with me. Could we maybe say “Queensland Reds utility back Ben Lucas has been named on the bench and is in line for his maiden Test cap should he take the field”. Look I know you like sentences that must be read a couple of times to make sense because you want people to mull over, and ponder, the English language. But you have an uncanny knack of sounding like a knob
There have been 851 players thus far represent Australia in matches that have been accorded Test status by the Australian Rugby Union, the most recent of whom to gain a Test number was Queensland Reds winger (& Wallaby No. 851) Rod Davies, during this season’s one off match against Samoa in July. Why is this in the team announcement and not in the random bits of fluff section at the bottom? You’ve even got a section called Historical Notes for this shit. Has Rocket been called in? Have you linked any aspect of the above “paragraphs” to this sentence?
This weekend’s game in Cardiff is the 533rd Test match to have been played by a team recognised as representing Australia. Seriously – recognised as representing Australia – either explain why you are saying “recognised as representing” and “accorded Test status” or desist. FFS
Although 22 of the 26 players in the current touring party featured at the recent Rugby World Cup: Barnes, halfback Will Genia and winger Digby Ioane are the only players who will occupy the same starting backline positions on Saturday as they did during Australia’s 21-18 win over Wales in the Bronze Final at Auckland which closed out that tournament for both sides. Can we substitute “will occupy” with “will start from”? Don’t get me wrong, the sentence is still fucking awful but that makes a slight improvement. I am impressed, however, with any sentence that is 63 words long and covers 4 distinct subjects.
The forward unit boasts a more settled look, with the only change from Eden Park seeing locks Rob Simmons and Nathan Sharpe swap roles. This time Simmons will start, with Sharpe providing reinforcement from the bench. Holy shit I’m only halfway through…. How does a forward unit boast a more settled look? I haven’t seen any photo tweets from Stephen Moore of the forwards wearing Snuggies (ie: looking settled). And how does a change “see” anything? Seriously, chill out, write these things how normal people actually talk, and I might be able to sleep at night without cursing the fact that you receive an income paid out of the registration fees of the hard working players at my club
After scoring two tries during a 30-minute cameo off the bench against the Barbarians, Tour captain James Horwill returns to the starting line-up this weekend, taking over the leader’s armband from last weekend’s successful first-time skipper David Pocock. Rugby doesn’t have leader’s armbands. I’m quite sure it’s ok if you say “captaincy” – unless Rocky will beat the shit out of you for saying it. But overall, this is your best sentence yet, even despite the soccer allusion. Or maybe I'm losing the will to fight any more
Pocock nonetheless looms as an important figure for the Wallabies against an opponent he has enjoyed significant success against in the past. This weekend, he will mark Wales captain Sam Warburton, who missed out on the World Cup contest between the two sides due to suspension. Pocock could also be a key figure when he marks up against Sam Warburton, who missed out on the World Cup contest through suspension. Just a suggestion. Oh fuck I can’t continue… You win you grammar assassin. For now
The selection follows the polished performance from the position given by the new Melbourne Rebels recruit during last weekend’s 60-11 win over the Barbarians in London. I’m sorry – what?
Although he didn’t score a try, O’Connor directed operations skilfully, varying his running and passing game, while also kicking all eight placed goals that he struck as well as a wobbly but effective field goal. I like how you say “that he struck” – well done. Still a clumsy sentence and I’d argue that this sentence could go along with the above to form an actual paragraph for a change. But I understand that it’s your team announcement to butcher.
The Wallabies backline starts in tact from that match, with inside centre Berrick Barnes having recovered from the blow to his back which forced him from the field at Twickenham. What the hell does “in tact” mean? If you meant to say unbroken then the correct word is “intact”. But that’s not the right word since teams can’t be broken. I think you meant to say “unchanged”. If you wish to use a fancier word, please don’t just use the most impressive-sounding word from the Microsoft Word Thesaurus – it makes you look like an ass. May I suggest: unaltered, consistent, stable, steady… any of these would offer up a more suitable synonym than the one you tried unsuccessfully to use.
He returns, with last weekend’s impressive Wallabies’ first-timer Ben Tapuai included on the bench, from where he will get to make his Test debut should he be pressed into action during the game. I’m sorry – who returns? Berrick, JOC (James O'Connor)? The majority of the article has been about JOC (James O'Connor), Berrick’s been mentioned in passing in the last sentence – you know, the one you tried to pass off as an actual paragraph? I’m going to guess Berrick.
Queensland Reds utility back Ben Lucas has also made the bench, as the replacement halfback, and will also be on debut should he be called on to take the field. Ok now you’re just fucking with me. Could we maybe say “Queensland Reds utility back Ben Lucas has been named on the bench and is in line for his maiden Test cap should he take the field”. Look I know you like sentences that must be read a couple of times to make sense because you want people to mull over, and ponder, the English language. But you have an uncanny knack of sounding like a knob
There have been 851 players thus far represent Australia in matches that have been accorded Test status by the Australian Rugby Union, the most recent of whom to gain a Test number was Queensland Reds winger (& Wallaby No. 851) Rod Davies, during this season’s one off match against Samoa in July. Why is this in the team announcement and not in the random bits of fluff section at the bottom? You’ve even got a section called Historical Notes for this shit. Has Rocket been called in? Have you linked any aspect of the above “paragraphs” to this sentence?
This weekend’s game in Cardiff is the 533rd Test match to have been played by a team recognised as representing Australia. Seriously – recognised as representing Australia – either explain why you are saying “recognised as representing” and “accorded Test status” or desist. FFS
Although 22 of the 26 players in the current touring party featured at the recent Rugby World Cup: Barnes, halfback Will Genia and winger Digby Ioane are the only players who will occupy the same starting backline positions on Saturday as they did during Australia’s 21-18 win over Wales in the Bronze Final at Auckland which closed out that tournament for both sides. Can we substitute “will occupy” with “will start from”? Don’t get me wrong, the sentence is still fucking awful but that makes a slight improvement. I am impressed, however, with any sentence that is 63 words long and covers 4 distinct subjects.
The forward unit boasts a more settled look, with the only change from Eden Park seeing locks Rob Simmons and Nathan Sharpe swap roles. This time Simmons will start, with Sharpe providing reinforcement from the bench. Holy shit I’m only halfway through…. How does a forward unit boast a more settled look? I haven’t seen any photo tweets from Stephen Moore of the forwards wearing Snuggies (ie: looking settled). And how does a change “see” anything? Seriously, chill out, write these things how normal people actually talk, and I might be able to sleep at night without cursing the fact that you receive an income paid out of the registration fees of the hard working players at my club
After scoring two tries during a 30-minute cameo off the bench against the Barbarians, Tour captain James Horwill returns to the starting line-up this weekend, taking over the leader’s armband from last weekend’s successful first-time skipper David Pocock. Rugby doesn’t have leader’s armbands. I’m quite sure it’s ok if you say “captaincy” – unless Rocky will beat the shit out of you for saying it. But overall, this is your best sentence yet, even despite the soccer allusion. Or maybe I'm losing the will to fight any more
Pocock nonetheless looms as an important figure for the Wallabies against an opponent he has enjoyed significant success against in the past. This weekend, he will mark Wales captain Sam Warburton, who missed out on the World Cup contest between the two sides due to suspension. Pocock could also be a key figure when he marks up against Sam Warburton, who missed out on the World Cup contest through suspension. Just a suggestion. Oh fuck I can’t continue… You win you grammar assassin. For now
vidiot
John Solomon (38)
I'm just glad he didn't kick any goals that he didn't strike, or worse, strike any goals that he didn't kick.
vidiot
John Solomon (38)
I believe he is up for Jon O'Neill's job in the near future. If only he communicated good, he could take over the media unit.
Cpt Crow Eater
Chris McKivat (8)
Cat_A
Arch Winning (36)
My understanding of the purpose of a media release is to be simply and easily read by journos etc so they may simply, quickly, and effectively communicate the content to their readers & listeners. Please, can the ARU Media Unit please take a bow for this gem?
Western Force skipper David Pocock will become the 79th man to lead Australia in a Test match after today being named as captain of the Qantas Wallabies for Tuesday night’s season-opening Test against Scotland at Newcastle. Excellent so far - high five!
Pocock will lead after regular skipper James Horwill was ruled out of the June Tests due to the ruptured hamstring he sustained during the Queensland Reds’ 13-12 win over the Brumbies in Canberra the eveni ng before the Qantas Wallabies training squad assembled. Shit you've stuffed a lot of information into this sentence. Can I suggest two shorter sentences where there is a different, but related subject in each one? If you're determined to avoid using a full-stop, might I suggest a semi-colon instead? For example: Pocock will captain the Wallabies after regular skipper James Horwill was ruled out of the June Tests; Horwill sustained a ruptured hamstring during the Queensland Reds' 13-12 win over the Brumbies in Canberra the night before the squad assembled. Isn't that easier to understand on the first read? Or are you still hoping to slow us down in the reading long enough for us to appreciate those fine literary devices you learnt from Dickens?
Ten of the starting XV announced today for the Castrol EDGE Rugby International were rested from last weekend’s Fx Pro Super Rugby round, because the Reds and Force franchises had the bye, as were two of the bench. "Ten of the starting XV announced today" When you're the ones announcing the team, is "announced today" really necessary? And they weren't rested - they didn't play because of the bye. And what the f**k do you mean by "as were two of the bench". Do you mean two of the people named on the bench? Or perhaps two of the players announced in the starting XV came off the bench when their teams played on the weekend? May I suggest (for the former) "Twelve of the squad are well-rested after the Reds and the Force had a bye on the weekend", or for the latter "Ten of the squad are well-rested after the Reds and the Force had a bye on the weekend, while a further two squad members came off the bench".
Among those who back up, two Brumbies players – on debut winger Joe Tomane and experienced hooker Stephen Moore – featured in the 27-19 win over the Melbourne Rebels in Victoria last Friday night.
While the starting tight-head prop Dan Palmer is also of the Brumbies, he was rested from last weekend’s game. Aaaahh - is this one of the players you were talking about in the last section? Because if so, it muddies the waters. Now I don't know if the ten rested players came from JUST the Force and Reds (as indicated in your last statement) or if you've counted Dan in the tally. If Dan is counted, here's what you could go with for next time: "Ten of the starting XV were rested from last weekend's Super Rugby round: the Reds and the Force had the bye and Dan Palmer of the Brumbies was rested". Are you as concerned as I am that one of your sentences has caused so much confusion? Are you worried that in a competitive media market like, say, league-loving Newcastle where we really want to drum up a crowd and sell merchandise, that journos are going to think "fuck, it's too hard - I won't bother".
Flyhalf Berrick Barnes, debutant loose forward Dave Dennis and towering lock Sitaleki Timani, all appeared for the NSW Waratahs against the Hurricanes at Allianz Stadium last evening. Last evening? When Miffy got plastered on Pimms and her husband Chester got red wine stains on his suede elbow patches and we all had a gay old time in Sydney town?
Five of the seven members of the bench also come off weekend rugby, with all but one of these having played on Friday night in Melbourne. What does this mean? And why is this relevant? Or to put it in to laymans terms - who gives a shit? I'm not saying leave it out, but perhaps put it into a little context? Is anyone else wondering who the odd man out is who didn't play in Melbourne on Friday night. Oh shit, hang on, they've given us the answer already - it's DAN PALMER FROM TWO PARAGRAPHS AGO EVERYBODY!!! I solved the puzzle!! We should probably just shove this awkward sentence up with that awkward sentence.
"We looked at all the options around each position, in terms of the relative workloads each of the players have already had this year, the amount of preparation we were able to have with them before the game, and their ability to back up off a tight turnaround, before settling on the final combination,”
“With another Test to follow, four days after Scotland, and given the injuries that we’ve had to deal with around assembly, it wasn’t practical just to base the side for Newcastle around the players who have been able to be with us for all of this last week. We’ve effectively had to select two combinations to win two Test matches at the same time, although we will obviously assess how we come out of Tuesday night’s game before finalising our line-up for the first Castrol EDGE Wales Tour match in Brisbane on Saturday night.”
The team to play the first of the three Tests against Wales will be named on Thursday once the Wallabies squad moves to Brisbane.
A decision will also be made on which players leave the Wallabies squad after the Scotland match is completed. The players selected today for the opening Test of the season will be joined by 16 others on tomorrow morning’s bus to Newcastle, although the group will be trimmed back to 30 before the team moves on to Brisbane on Wednesday afternoon. I'm using my fingers and toes to figure out what the fuck is going on here: Ok so if x is the number of players currently in the squad, and y is the number of players travelling to Brisbane, and we know y is going to equal 30, and a is the number of players leaving the squad before they come to Brisbane, then the squad size (x) is:
(x+16) - a = 30
Horwill, Quade Cooper and Salesi Ma’afu will all be released from the national training squad in the morning. Melbourne Rebels lock Hugh Pyle and Brumbies fullback Jesse Mogg are the other training squad members who won’t be assembling in Newcastle. Thanks for coming boys, now give back your Blackberry devices (which you don't get to keep if you don't play) and your training gear, and don't let the door hit you in the arse on the way out (paraphrased).
Brumbies captain Ben Mowen joined the squad last night as cover for Western Force No 8 Ben McCalman. The Test incumbent from last term, McCalman has been dogged by a shoulder nerve injury this season and is continuing with his rehabilitation, but will remain with the squad in the meantime. We're still picking players who are injured in the vain hope they magically heal when they come into camp. We're still shocked when they don't (again paraphrased).
You have no idea how much longer this media release is - it's an epistle! But come on guys - sounding like you know what you're talking about is NEVER a substitute for actually knowing what you're talking about! I had to stop reading before my eyes started to water.
Thin Thighs
Ted Fahey (11)
As part of a cost cutting measure, has JO'N disbanded the ARU Media Unit and subcontracted their services to the Killara High School Year 11 Media Studies Class?
You'd think Mrs Brown would check her students work before passing it on to the ARU Bunker in St Leonard's.
Love your work Cat!
You'd think Mrs Brown would check her students work before passing it on to the ARU Bunker in St Leonard's.
Love your work Cat!
Cat_A
Arch Winning (36)
Haha - I don't need anyone to try to sound fancier with wankier writing - I want them to sound LESS wanky and more understandable! Easier to read. More accessible to journos who are just trying to get an article done super-quickly and get on to the next one!
And to Mrs Bowen - if you're reading this, I'm sorry for the swearing, but I know you'll agree with my sentiments and my frustration!
And to Mrs Bowen - if you're reading this, I'm sorry for the swearing, but I know you'll agree with my sentiments and my frustration!
Sandpit Fan
Nev Cottrell (35)
Keep up the fight Cat. I had the misfortune to click on the link to the original release on the ARU site, and needed to have a Bex and lie down after struggling to the end of it. Bloody thing should have carried a health warning.
The Red Baron
Chilla Wilson (44)
I think the ARU media unit operates on the premise of: "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, then baffle them with bullshit". Both for grammar and content. Maybe I should rephrase their motto.....
"When dazzling them with brilliance is not an option, as it has been taken and failed numerous times in the past, then maybe baffling our audience is the better option. In regards to dazzling and baffling them, we have come to a consensus that bullshit is the most popular substance available. This will help us in our attempt to baffle Australian rugby fans, and analysts across the country".
"When dazzling them with brilliance is not an option, as it has been taken and failed numerous times in the past, then maybe baffling our audience is the better option. In regards to dazzling and baffling them, we have come to a consensus that bullshit is the most popular substance available. This will help us in our attempt to baffle Australian rugby fans, and analysts across the country".
redstragic
Alan Cameron (40)
TT is obviously inhabiting this role at St Leonards as well as others that we are not yet aware of. Will be great uncovering the clues in the coming months and collating an organisational structure where all TT's jobs are defined.
RedsHappy
Tony Shaw (54)
Indeed, too right rt. I think TT knocked this (very comprehensive) media release out:
- whilst also compiling detailed Wallaby game plans and instructions for all 22 players v Scotland;
- immediately following a 12km ocean swim off Coogee Beach;
- during the consumption of 6 large espressos;
- whilst instructing Scrivener on the art of long passes, to the right, under pressure;
- when also instructing the team bus driver on better routes to Newcastle than Google maps would throw up;
- whilst also writing "An Australian's Guide to Europe in Recession" on an iPad;
- simultaneous with advising Mike Harris on the impact of various wind speeds upon kick trajectories when the ball is 63% wet
All in all, just a typical hour or two in TT's hectic life back home. His impact is just beginning to be felt.
Scarfman
Knitter of the Scarf
Aaargh! You've crossed a line there ACR: (1) for suggesting that the semi-colon is underused instead of grotesquely overused; and (2) by misusing it.
As someone who reluctantly reads undergraduate writing for a living, I can tell you that almost all semi-colons are incorrectly used instead of commas, full stops, or colons. Yours should be a colon.
As far as I'm aware, these are the only situations in which to use a semi-colon:
1. In a list of stuff introduced by a colon (see above).
2. To set off against each other two related but independent (complete) sentences. E.g.: Some people write with a word processor; others write with a pen or pencil.
Bruce Ross
Ken Catchpole (46)
This old dog apparently will have to learn a new trick, Scarfie. I had no idea there was such a restrictive prescription on the use of the semi-colon. I've been winging it for years. Quite often when writing I choose between a comma and a semi-colon on the basis of what I think would be the appropriate pause if the sentence were spoken.
So I can either learn a new rule or carry on the way I've been writing for more than a few decades. Given my age I know which I'm likely to choose.
.
A tweet from Iain Payten.
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