2015 AAGPS Rugby Coffee Review:
Summary of my coffee tasting notes from AAGPS season 2015
Kings: Earthy and unmistakably rural. The subtle undertones of Mallee bull co-mingled with essence of pheasant plucker give this premium blend an egalitarian quality. Pleasing to the palate and made from 100% genetically modified Brazilian Wax Beans this ultra-smooth blend romances the tongue, Barry White style.
Riverview: Shamelessly disguising the constituent parts that comprise its real identity this subversive coffee substitute is served in an asbestos mug using BBQ tongs and a welding mask. Brewed in an ancient communal chamber pot from the original View boarding house the questionable aromatics of this blend coupled with the heady whiff of a bushman’s outhouse simultaneously confuse and assault all five senses at once and have been known to trigger a tsunami like laxative reaction that would rival an explosion at the Cadbury factory.
Scots: Brewed at altitude and delivered with an air of smug superiority. The coffee artfully dodges all taste receptors in the mouth but nonetheless scorches across the tongue and down the oesophagus with the subtlety of a barbed wire enema. Colloquially known amongst coffee cognoscenti as Bombay Bovril.
Joeys: I approached the cup in anticipation of a religious experience and walked away feeling like I’d been dressed in a tutu and locked in a cell in D block with Bubba, Killer and Ricki-Bobby on a Saturday night. Playfully presented in a cerise and blue stripped cup the rich glossy crema adorning the surface was mesmerising and showed great promise but choked on consumption like Greg Norman with a 6 shot lead over Nick Faldo in the 1996 Masters.
Shore: With Karl Benz’s creations littering the carpark like dandruff in a hippy commune hopes were high that the coffee would, like the world renown Shores pie, be engineered to within a nanometre of absolute perfection. On first sip however those hopes were crushed like an outside back with size 9 feet holding a size 7 glass slipper. A classic example of Schadenfreude at work.
Newington: With no running water or coffee culture to speak of, expectations for a blood pressure surging cup of caffeine were low. The coffee van which looked eerily like a mobile meth lab from Breaking Bad was parked 50 meters away from the food preparation area…..for good reason. I spilled most of the “coffee” down the front of my shirt as the respirator got in the way.