Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond

[MarkJ]

I guess as Akira's not going to get to do the haka on the field any time soon, he might as well do it at his brother's house at 2am

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=12305161

 

[Dismal Pillock]

​

"Greetings, my red and black children of doctrined assemblage. It is I, Razor, with glad tidings of the Round 3 matchup between our cherished Crusaders and the birdbrained sharters we know as the Auckland Blues.

"Order has been restored in the red and black universe, praise be to the new twin-cock emblem for The Valentine's Day Massacre is now complete. As expected, the marsipan dolts of the north offered little resistance. We the Brave Crusading Men kindly and benevolently shared possession of the rugby football with the mental midgets completely safe in the knowledge that their attack resembles little more than a tonka toy made of half-chewed up bits of old lego. We barely had to do anything at all. Just defend as the brainless mooks ran into our defenders and fell down time and time again.

"Now, let us run through the names of the Blues players from today, so abject, so dim, so lost. Feel free to titter and giggle in a derisive yet coquettish manner as I run through the names of these forlorn individuals one by one.

"Gibson. An NPC plodder. Invisible and backwards and in Bristol by Christmas. Ruru. He has 2 gears. 1st and 2nd. There is no 3rd. Perofeta. He kicks like Aaron Cruden if Cruden were still 12 years old. Plummer. Another NPC-level donkey with a stupid grammar boy haircut. He will be in France by Round 10. Hyland. A photocopy of a winger after you've run off 8 billion printouts of your bumcruck. Duffie. A slow, lost, anorexic wimp who will be playing in Japan by October. Tuipulotu. He is to leaders what boogers are to cancer. That being, utterly unproven and unrelated. The Blues lineout. 8 people cut adrift in space taking it in turns to get boofed up the arse by the ghost of Stephen Hawking.

"In closing, let us cradle today's rampage of right over wrong to our collective bosoms, and long into the night, and awaken with nice wee morning stiffies now that all is right and just with the world, amen, peace be the vag, etc, etc."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

"Greetings upon this solemn and sombre morning for it is I, Razor, with terrible, terrible tidings involving an overnight rugby football result from the Republic involving the dishevelled Northern children of abject laxity, yes, the foolish and irretrievably stupid Auckland Blues.

"Now brace yourselves, my children of unwavering turpitude, for the Auckland Blues, well..... they appear to have been announced as winners of a rugby football match played overnight at Loftus Park SILENCE, hush your weeping, and fear not beloved brethren, for I fully expect this result to be overturned once I place a call to Commissioner Egon. It is no secret that discipline has lapsed in our storied African sister state since their groundbreaking and now unfairly-maligned social segregation policy was sadly shelved. All Hail The New Dawn, Losse Bleus to be stripped of competition points on a countback, Praise be The Duelling Dicks, etc, etc, ok, disperse now you shitheads."

 

[Dismal Pillock]

​

"We're a regional selection. and it's important to remember that, besides Canterbury, we also represent Nelson Bays, Marlborough, Buller, West Coast, Mid-Canterbury and South Canterbury."​

​

— Todd Blackadder, Crusaders captain, 1998 Super 12 victory speech​

"We're a shit selection. And it's important to remember that, besides Onehunga, we also represent drug addicts in Kaitaia, freezing workers in Otahuhu and dole bludgers in Otara, Mangere, Manurewa, and in fact the entire South Auckland bumhole region."​

​

— Coach Kirwan's 2015 Super Rugby Wooden Spoon Acceptance Speech​

​

​

 

[Teh Other Dave]

Is it strange that I remember that particular speech from Blackadder? I think I was surprised that the red and blacks won the whole thing after such a shit showing in the previous two seasons.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Poor Akira. Completely dropped from the tour squad to tour South Africa and left behind in Auckland, unsupervised, for 3 weeks.

Although his new Life Coach seems nice.....

 

[Teh Other Dave]

Poor Akira. Completely dropped from the tour squad to tour South Africa and left behind in Auckland, unsupervised, for 3 weeks.

Although his new Life Coach seems nice...

The colonel gif took its sweet time to load. In the meantime, I thought his life coach rhymed with Pismal Dillock

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

Beaugan to be launched To Infinity And Beyond on April 4 for Coastal v Southern in Taranaki Club footy.

https://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby...ortedly-set-to-return-via-taranaki-club-rugby

Coastal was his junior Club & Southern are pretty much their neighbors.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Unnamed Ex-Auckland Blues Assistant Accepts 2020 Super Rugby Trophy.

-NZ Herald--

"Yes, look, it's just a logistical league ladder issue isn't it? It's hardly my place to argue with the final Super Rugby standings as they appear to us right now is it? Nothing I can do about that. Now, obviously the result in the Crusaders match later today has no bearing on the final standings as it kicked off AFTER the announcement of the New Zealand quarantine measures. Don't be silly, that's just common sense. You can't count match results that were played under the influence of potentially lethal viral pathogens. That's just science 101 and a basic Super Rugby table precautionary safety measure. We can't go around willy nilly compromising the integrity of the Super Rugby table can we?

"Therefore, if I'm not mistaken, we would like to extend our thanks to this years participants in the Super Rugby competition. You all had a part to play and best of luck to you for next season and thank you for your participation in the victorious Auckland Blues 2020 Super Rugby campaign."

 

[zer0]

With seven rounds left in the regular season, we find ourselves just over half way through the season. We also find the mighty Auckland Blues Professional Rugby Football franchise holding steady in 4th place on the 2020 Super Rugby table. Yes that's fourth from the top, not the bottom, you cheeky c*nts. Here's the proof.

Using advanced mathematics, we're able to project these results forward and confidently predict (p = 0.all-the-zeroes-1) that the Blues will maintain this steady level and make their first postseason appearance since what must be sometime around Egypt's 18th Dynasty.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Using advanced mathematics, we're able to project these results forward and confidently predict (p = 0.all-the-zeroes-1)

Another table exhibiting Advanced Mathematics in motion;

The numbers never lie.

Particularly the number 1.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

​

Akira tires of lockdown protocols, makes a dash for KFC.

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

^ interestingly, NZ's Covid-19 Alert Level 3 has been described as Level 4 (aka lockdown) but with drive-through KFC.... hang in there, big guy .

 

[waiopehu oldboy]

"'This is our city' - Blues join up with All Blacks legends in Auckland foodbank"

Sir Iceman & Eroni have roped in their boys & some other Loss Bleus' to help out with their food bank. Some 'canes cast-off or other* also turned up, apparently:

https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/spo...in-up-all-blacks-legends-in-auckland-foodbank

* EDIT: can't get a screen-grab to upload so you'll have to either watch the vid or take a wild guess as to who said 'canes cast-off might be .

 

[Dan54]

"'This is our city' - Blues join up with All Blacks legends in Auckland foodbank"

Sir Iceman & Eroni have roped in their boys & some other Loss Bleus' to help out with their food bank. Some 'canes cast-off or other* also turned up, apparently:

https://www.tvnz.co.nz/one-news/spo...in-up-all-blacks-legends-in-auckland-foodbank

* EDIT: can't get a screen-grab to upload so you'll have to either watch the vid or take a wild guess as to who said 'canes cast-off might be .

Probably just some useless back that doesn't know if he a pansy No10 or glory boy 15 WOB!!!!

 

[Dismal Pillock]

 

[KiwiM]

https://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=12332825

All Blacks star Beauden Barrett has returned from lockdown in peak condition and recorded a personal best in a fitness test at the Blues' first training session ahead of the new Super Rugby Aotearoa competition.


The Blues claimed that eight personal bests were set during the drill, with new playmaking recruit Barrett leading the pack with a rapid time of four minutes and 12 seconds in what the franchise indicated was a new club record.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

The Blues claimed that eight personal bests were set during the drill, with new playmaking recruit Barrett leading the pack with a rapid time of four minutes and 12 seconds in what the franchise indicated was a new club record.

However, upon closer inspection, no record could be found as to whether any Blues player had ever actually fully completed the drill or not in the entire history of the franchise.

 

[cyclopath]

Is the 4 mins 12 seconds the time any player managed to go without full cranial deconstruction brain-fart?

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Is the 4 mins 12 seconds the time any player managed to go without full cranial deconstruction brain-fart?

At sea level, yes.