Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
There's a key "highlight" missing from that video
Auckland Blues To Infinity and Beyond
- Thread starter cyclopath
- Start date
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Auckland Blues U-21's to lead the way.
--NZ Herald--
Auckland Blues exciting young swatch of stars will be looking to take Super Rugby by storm this year.
from left: Jordan Trainor, Reiko Ioane, Akira Ioane, TJ Faine (top), Sam Nock and Blake Gibson.
Except the Ioane brothers will be off with the 7's most of the season.
Except Faiane (top) is out injured for the season.
Except Nock and Trainor have yet to play a single match at Super Rugby level.
That leaves Blake Gibson (far right)
Hey, how about that Blake Gibson! (far right)
--NZ Herald--
Auckland Blues exciting young swatch of stars will be looking to take Super Rugby by storm this year.
from left: Jordan Trainor, Reiko Ioane, Akira Ioane, TJ Faine (top), Sam Nock and Blake Gibson.
Except the Ioane brothers will be off with the 7's most of the season.
Except Faiane (top) is out injured for the season.
Except Nock and Trainor have yet to play a single match at Super Rugby level.
That leaves Blake Gibson (far right)
Hey, how about that Blake Gibson! (far right)
waiopehu oldboy
George Smith (75)
Rene Ranger good to go:
http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/...leared-to-make-comeback-for-blues-on-thursday
Needs a haircut & shave first, but.
@Dismal you get the Ioane bros & Lam back until Legs 9 & 10 of the HSBC.
http://www.stuff.co.nz/sport/rugby/...leared-to-make-comeback-for-blues-on-thursday
Needs a haircut & shave first, but.
@Dismal you get the Ioane bros & Lam back until Legs 9 & 10 of the HSBC.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
refuse to get too excited he could still go the Boric neck route and have to retire, which would dismally cap off what would surely be the most muddle fucked top-flight rugby career in history. Hits big time, kicks arse for 12 minutes, says nah, fucks off for France $$, then says nah to that before he's even left NZ, has to go anyway after signing contract, immediately wants to come back, gets injured, comes back injured for years, retires aged 17.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
unabridged copy of front page version.......
Auckland Blues 2016
Hello.
Resident Rugby Expert Dr D.Pillock here.
Well, the Auckland Blues pre-season is now in full swing:
"14th out of 15 last year. Why bother, fuck this, let's get naked!"
Seriously though.
No more arsing about.
Let's face facts; the 2015 Coronation Season came slightly derailed after about 10 minutes due to blatantly racist refereeing decisions.
There, I said it.
Sometimes it takes someone spectacularly brave, like me, to openly confront the ugly, ugly truth head-on.
Anyway, here in 2016, as usual, the Blues are champions-elect on paper.
Just look at the loosies;
Blake Gibson
Akira Ioane
Jerome Kaino (c)
Steve Luatua
Look at that. Packed with talent, ready for some rock-hard K-Road rotation, I reckon.
Although, being the Blues, they'll probably all get injured by Game 3 and it'll be left to Jack Ram and poor old Tanerau Latimer to work like insane drongo's in the muckface en route to eking out a beleaguered 5 and 11 record.
The Locks. Will be praying for the emergence of another Tuipulotu.
Hookers? Props? Who gives a shit. Just push, you fat bastards.
Halfbacks: Bryn Hall and young Sam Nock should surely be shit-hot. No more Jimmy Cowan handbraking the goddamn motherfucking volcanic firepower of Li, Melanie and Visinia out wide. SURELY 1st 5 Ihaia West will benefit from having no fuckin' Jimmy around.
Backs: Everyone having a massive tug over the raging stiffy prospect of a Moala / Ranger midfield, all the while forgetting one thing; this is the Blues. It won't work. It always works on paper but as the season unfolds, racist conspiracies are germinated by vicious biased referees conspiring en masse to quell the raging blues cock fire of imagination. By week 3 it'll be Hamish from Northcote paired with Tana himself.
Oh well, on the bright side, at least the Blues have moved out of last years High Performance Centre:
The flash new digs:
They've also fired the drunken alkie git of a "Talent Development Officer":
**FIRED**
Frankly speaking, as a rugby expert, I have pored over the statistics and they ALL point to a belated resurgence in Auckland Blues rugby:
Finally, in closing, here as an exclusive interview as conducted by new GAGR intern Gene Gunston of Wollongong:
"Yeah righto. Gene Gunston here.
"Today I've been dispatched all the way to 'New Zealand' by some internet dick to interview a sports coach. 'Tana Umaga', he calls himself.
"This is him:
GG: "Gidday mate."
Umaga: "Who the f**k are you?"
GG: "Gene's the name. Here to interview some bastard about some foreign rugby foot ball carry-on."
Umaga: "Can I ask you something?
GG: "Sure. Just don't ask me about rugby though. I know fuck-all about all that psycho biffhead bullshit."
Umaga: "Why are you wearing mittens?
GG: "Oh. These. Aunty Doris taped them onto my hands. I get belted around a lot because I flip c**ts off too much. Aunty Doris says that this way, when I flip the pricks off, it just looks like I'm waving at them."
<<Umaga abruptly stands up and walks out of the room>>
Hello.
Resident Rugby Expert Dr D.Pillock here.
Well, the Auckland Blues pre-season is now in full swing:
"14th out of 15 last year. Why bother, fuck this, let's get naked!"
Seriously though.
No more arsing about.
Let's face facts; the 2015 Coronation Season came slightly derailed after about 10 minutes due to blatantly racist refereeing decisions.
There, I said it.
Sometimes it takes someone spectacularly brave, like me, to openly confront the ugly, ugly truth head-on.
Anyway, here in 2016, as usual, the Blues are champions-elect on paper.
Just look at the loosies;
Blake Gibson
Akira Ioane
Jerome Kaino (c)
Steve Luatua
Look at that. Packed with talent, ready for some rock-hard K-Road rotation, I reckon.
Although, being the Blues, they'll probably all get injured by Game 3 and it'll be left to Jack Ram and poor old Tanerau Latimer to work like insane drongo's in the muckface en route to eking out a beleaguered 5 and 11 record.
The Locks. Will be praying for the emergence of another Tuipulotu.
Hookers? Props? Who gives a shit. Just push, you fat bastards.
Halfbacks: Bryn Hall and young Sam Nock should surely be shit-hot. No more Jimmy Cowan handbraking the goddamn motherfucking volcanic firepower of Li, Melanie and Visinia out wide. SURELY 1st 5 Ihaia West will benefit from having no fuckin' Jimmy around.
Backs: Everyone having a massive tug over the raging stiffy prospect of a Moala / Ranger midfield, all the while forgetting one thing; this is the Blues. It won't work. It always works on paper but as the season unfolds, racist conspiracies are germinated by vicious biased referees conspiring en masse to quell the raging blues cock fire of imagination. By week 3 it'll be Hamish from Northcote paired with Tana himself.
Oh well, on the bright side, at least the Blues have moved out of last years High Performance Centre:
The flash new digs:
They've also fired the drunken alkie git of a "Talent Development Officer":
**FIRED**
Frankly speaking, as a rugby expert, I have pored over the statistics and they ALL point to a belated resurgence in Auckland Blues rugby:
Finally, in closing, here as an exclusive interview as conducted by new GAGR intern Gene Gunston of Wollongong:
"Yeah righto. Gene Gunston here.
"Today I've been dispatched all the way to 'New Zealand' by some internet dick to interview a sports coach. 'Tana Umaga', he calls himself.
"This is him:
GG: "Gidday mate."
Umaga: "Who the f**k are you?"
GG: "Gene's the name. Here to interview some bastard about some foreign rugby foot ball carry-on."
Umaga: "Can I ask you something?
GG: "Sure. Just don't ask me about rugby though. I know fuck-all about all that psycho biffhead bullshit."
Umaga: "Why are you wearing mittens?
GG: "Oh. These. Aunty Doris taped them onto my hands. I get belted around a lot because I flip c**ts off too much. Aunty Doris says that this way, when I flip the pricks off, it just looks like I'm waving at them."
<<Umaga abruptly stands up and walks out of the room>>
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
ps introducing volunteer contributors as idiots and clowns then editing "pored over" to the grammatically incorrect "poured over" is pretty fuckin lame if you ask me
waiopehu oldboy
George Smith (75)
I'm sure Lee meant well & will be disappointed at missing his mark (you are, let's face it, very much a moving target so not the easiest to hit esp when you're aged 102 as Lee is reputed to be).
My only gripe with your piece is that it's gonna make my CruSadists propaganda piece look pretty stuffed-shirt by comparison. Hopefully @Lee isn't putting them up alphabetically by conference
.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Auckland Blues develop allergy to Crusaders half of New Lancaster Park
--NZ Herald--
After the Blues spastic rudderless encampment in their own half for the entire duration of their 2nd round match with the Crusaders, word is coming through from the Blues dressing room that a number of Blues players in fact believe that half of the field to be "cursed ground."
"I'm not going down there" said 1st 5 Ihaia West after the game. "I've heard scary stories about that half of the field. That place gives me the heebie jeebies!"
"I think I saw worms down there" said another Blues player. "Yuck!"
Another Blues player stated "Sorry, but I have an allergy to that side of the field. It's the grass they use. Here, look, I've got a note from my mum and everything.""
--NZ Herald--
After the Blues spastic rudderless encampment in their own half for the entire duration of their 2nd round match with the Crusaders, word is coming through from the Blues dressing room that a number of Blues players in fact believe that half of the field to be "cursed ground."
"I'm not going down there" said 1st 5 Ihaia West after the game. "I've heard scary stories about that half of the field. That place gives me the heebie jeebies!"
"I think I saw worms down there" said another Blues player. "Yuck!"
Another Blues player stated "Sorry, but I have an allergy to that side of the field. It's the grass they use. Here, look, I've got a note from my mum and everything.""
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Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Auckland Blues Player Rankings: Round 3 2016 vs REDS
1 Ofa Tu’ungafasi: Larry.
2 James Parsons: Moe.
3 Charlie Faumuina: Curly.
4 Patrick Tuipulotu. wft has happened to this guy? Had the world on a stick but now he's trying to get usurped for higher honours by Luke fuckin Romano?
5 Josh Bekhuis: haha, the only guy who they've got who can call the lineouts. That's like being the only prick on the bridge of the fuckin' Titanic who can read the goddamn nautical charts.......
6 Jerome Kaino (captain): gave up $400,000 in Japan to come back and play for these fat barge-arsed wallies?
7 Blake Gibson. the week 1 pyrotechnics are now a memory
8: Steven Luatua: ditto Tuipulotu but insert Matt Todd? wft
9 Bryn Hall: enigmatic then ran out of puff and, more importantly, ideas. Like Aaron Smith NEVER fuckin does.
10 Ihaia West: goddamnit i'd sell the Queen's corgi's nuts on colour-coordinated sticks to have Aaron Cruden running the tiller for the Blues. I must confess, just imagining him now in a Blues uniform is giving me a minor stiffy. In B Major.
11 Tevita Li: Onehunga Under 12's. Hang on, maybe too fat for them.
12 George Moala. toiled hard but had NO IDEA what the spacco outside him was d
13 Male Su’a: AAAHHHHH FAAAACCCCC
15 Charles Piutau: what a game, the sole shining light, the step, the courage, the vision, the poise under fire oh fuck its just Visinia
Substitutes:
* Akira Ioane: bugger me, no wonder he comes off the bench, this bloke is in ratshit physical shape. Who's the Blues conditioning coaches, fuckin Steve Wonder & Colonel Sanders?
* ANY front rowers that came on were a perfect 10/10 improvement over the starting cross-eyed fat fucktards that presided over that scrum capitulation.
1 Ofa Tu’ungafasi: Larry.
2 James Parsons: Moe.
3 Charlie Faumuina: Curly.
4 Patrick Tuipulotu. wft has happened to this guy? Had the world on a stick but now he's trying to get usurped for higher honours by Luke fuckin Romano?
5 Josh Bekhuis: haha, the only guy who they've got who can call the lineouts. That's like being the only prick on the bridge of the fuckin' Titanic who can read the goddamn nautical charts.......
6 Jerome Kaino (captain): gave up $400,000 in Japan to come back and play for these fat barge-arsed wallies?
7 Blake Gibson. the week 1 pyrotechnics are now a memory
8: Steven Luatua: ditto Tuipulotu but insert Matt Todd? wft
9 Bryn Hall: enigmatic then ran out of puff and, more importantly, ideas. Like Aaron Smith NEVER fuckin does.
10 Ihaia West: goddamnit i'd sell the Queen's corgi's nuts on colour-coordinated sticks to have Aaron Cruden running the tiller for the Blues. I must confess, just imagining him now in a Blues uniform is giving me a minor stiffy. In B Major.
11 Tevita Li: Onehunga Under 12's. Hang on, maybe too fat for them.
12 George Moala. toiled hard but had NO IDEA what the spacco outside him was d
13 Male Su’a: AAAHHHHH FAAAACCCCC
15 Charles Piutau: what a game, the sole shining light, the step, the courage, the vision, the poise under fire oh fuck its just Visinia
Substitutes:
* Akira Ioane: bugger me, no wonder he comes off the bench, this bloke is in ratshit physical shape. Who's the Blues conditioning coaches, fuckin Steve Wonder & Colonel Sanders?
* ANY front rowers that came on were a perfect 10/10 improvement over the starting cross-eyed fat fucktards that presided over that scrum capitulation.
FTFY
Did Dismal see this one on the weekend?
One of his favourite sons at the Blues, continuing to do great things at the Sunwolves.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Moli the Wild Man of Borneo, last sighted in Singapore getting hit in the face with a rugby football.
Although in fairness, the deranged San Wolf clowns behind him were not helping matters too much at fucking all. Did I see Yamada the fuckin winger at the back there?
Closer viewing reveals brilliant thinking by the hooker iHomo, trying to peg it off Moli's brain-scrambled shoulder and hoping to scab the rebound
Although in fairness, the deranged San Wolf clowns behind him were not helping matters too much at fucking all. Did I see Yamada the fuckin winger at the back there?
Closer viewing reveals brilliant thinking by the hooker iHomo, trying to peg it off Moli's brain-scrambled shoulder and hoping to scab the rebound
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Auckland Blues attempt to forfeit match.
--NZ Herald--
The Auckland Blues are in the process of attempting to forfeit their next scheduled Super Rugby match, away versus the rampaging & mighty Waikato Chiefs.
"The forecast next week is for quite a bit of wind in the Greater Hamilton area" said a worried looking coach Umaga. "Some of our boys have a bit of a sniffle. We wouldn't want it getting any worse. Not to worry, we should be able to reschedule the match for next year. What? Yes, all of my players have notes from their mothers."
--NZ Herald--
The Auckland Blues are in the process of attempting to forfeit their next scheduled Super Rugby match, away versus the rampaging & mighty Waikato Chiefs.
"The forecast next week is for quite a bit of wind in the Greater Hamilton area" said a worried looking coach Umaga. "Some of our boys have a bit of a sniffle. We wouldn't want it getting any worse. Not to worry, we should be able to reschedule the match for next year. What? Yes, all of my players have notes from their mothers."
ChargerWA
Mark Loane (55)
Marc Fennell gave it 2 bruised plums out of 5.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
NZRFU draft 2 players into Auckland Blues
--NZ Herald--
The NZRFU have today taken the unprecedented step of performing an emergency mid-season draft involving 2 Super Rugby players.
The hitherto hidden sub-clause in NZRFU policy was enacted by an anonymous ex-Auckland Blues assistant coach. When queried as to the period of the reallocation time the ex-coach replied "don't worry, it's not forever. Only for the next 8 seasons or so. In the overall scheme of the history of time itself it's really just a tiny, tiny blip of time."
"When you look at how long the overall total history of time has been, the 2 individuals named will only be at the Blues for just 2 or 3 seconds really."
-unnamed ex-Auckland Blues assistant coach.
"Don't panic it's done alphabetically to ensure fairness" said the ex-coach. "Starting with "A", so the first 2 players that come up are, let me see, um, Aaron Cruden and Aaron Smith. There, see that wasn't so hard. I look forward to seeing the 2 drafted players at Blues training bright and early Monday morning. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination of your NZRFU contracts. Have a nice day, fellas. In Auckland. On Monday."
--NZ Herald--
The NZRFU have today taken the unprecedented step of performing an emergency mid-season draft involving 2 Super Rugby players.
The hitherto hidden sub-clause in NZRFU policy was enacted by an anonymous ex-Auckland Blues assistant coach. When queried as to the period of the reallocation time the ex-coach replied "don't worry, it's not forever. Only for the next 8 seasons or so. In the overall scheme of the history of time itself it's really just a tiny, tiny blip of time."
"When you look at how long the overall total history of time has been, the 2 individuals named will only be at the Blues for just 2 or 3 seconds really."
-unnamed ex-Auckland Blues assistant coach.
"Don't panic it's done alphabetically to ensure fairness" said the ex-coach. "Starting with "A", so the first 2 players that come up are, let me see, um, Aaron Cruden and Aaron Smith. There, see that wasn't so hard. I look forward to seeing the 2 drafted players at Blues training bright and early Monday morning. Failure to comply will result in immediate termination of your NZRFU contracts. Have a nice day, fellas. In Auckland. On Monday."
That is actually a really good thought to play around.
I think that Hall is more than half the problem, West has to collect so many passes by either jumping or stopping that it is very hard for him to effectively take it to the line and fix the inside defence. With a decent 9 the Blues would propably have more points by now, with bot Smith and Cruden, they would propably top the table.
I think that Hall is more than half the problem, West has to collect so many passes by either jumping or stopping that it is very hard for him to effectively take it to the line and fix the inside defence. With a decent 9 the Blues would propably have more points by now, with bot Smith and Cruden, they would propably top the table.
Dismal Pillock
Michael Lynagh (62)
Just unfortunate recruitment-wise that the Blues have no 2nd 5's, centres or fullbacks.
Let's Review:
2nd 5's: 0
Centres: 0
Wings: Rieko Ioane, Moala (clueless at 2nd 5, he's a winger), Ranger, (even more clueless in midfield, def. a winger) Visinia (not a fullbacks arsehole. doesnt know where to stand on D, another best suited for the wing) Tevita Li, Melani Nanai.
Fullbacks: 0
In summary, zero midfielders, zero fullbacks, and 6 wingers.
Let's Review:
2nd 5's: 0
Centres: 0
Wings: Rieko Ioane, Moala (clueless at 2nd 5, he's a winger), Ranger, (even more clueless in midfield, def. a winger) Visinia (not a fullbacks arsehole. doesnt know where to stand on D, another best suited for the wing) Tevita Li, Melani Nanai.
Fullbacks: 0
In summary, zero midfielders, zero fullbacks, and 6 wingers.
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