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All-Time Crim 1st XV

Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
**EMERGENCY CONVENING OF ALL AVAILABLE SELECTORS, WAKE UP THE BABYSITTER, ATTN//:, AUNTY DORIS, PLEASE TURN OFF THE HAIRDRYER**

GREAT, was hoping Comical Ali would one day put his nimrod hand up for selection and it looks like that day has finally come. Although not criminal enough to get a start among the incumbent murderous kidfucking locks

With the murdering kidnapping Argie a page back locking down one wing spot, tough to know where to put the versatile Bieber. Maybe he could usurp Ripia at 1st 5, tough call to be made by the selectors, is buying coke worse than looting your own teammates shit from your own teams dressing room... such a brutal decimation of rugby's comraderie contract says maybe its fuckin not.....
 
The torpedo

The torpedo

Peter Fenwicke (45)
Dismal Pillock said:
**EMERGENCY CONVENING OF ALL AVAILABLE SELECTORS, WAKE UP THE BABYSITTER, ATTN//:, AUNTY DORIS, PLEASE TURN OFF THE HAIRDRYER**

GREAT, was hoping Comical Ali would one day put his nimrod hand up for selection and it looks like that day has finally come. Although not criminal enough to get a start among the incumbent murderous kidfucking locks

With the murdering kidnapping Argie a page back locking down one wing spot, tough to know where to put the versatile Bieber. Maybe he could usurp Ripia at 1st 5, tough call to be made by the selectors, is buying coke worse than looting your own teammates shit from your own teams dressing room. such a brutal decimation of rugby's comraderie contract says maybe its fuckin not...
Click to expand...

Bench role is perfect for Rabbit I reckon
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
Byron only had to jaywalk at night in the outback to be installed as tenured incumbent halfback Vice Captain for life.

1 Tim Bristow: Banned from rugby for life in 1962 for knocking out 8 opposing players.
2 Henry Tromp: killing a farm worker
3 Bees Roux: cop killer
4 Rudi Virage: shot and killed his 19 yo daughter.
5 Michael Quinn ©. Melbourne Chargers. Kiddie fucker. He won’t even survive the first ruck.
6 Pita Wilson: kidnapping and assault
7 Joseph Ntshongwana: killed 3 with an axe
8 Marc Cecillon: performing the eternal willie-away on own wife
9 B.Kelleher: drunk and disorderly + innumerable crimes, many of them against All Black heritage. VICE Captain (haha, "Vice", get it, that's even worse than being regular captain of these arseclowns)
10 W.Ripia: looting own team dressing room haha.
11 Eric Rush: careless driving causing death and injury
12 Steve Pokere, helping fleece his fellow Mormons of $3.9M, 2 1/2 years jail.
13 Craig Wells. raping children.
14 Alejandro Puccio. triple kidnap/murderer
15 Matthew Ridge: property development company went bust owing tradies & suppliers millions

Bench

Lorenzo Bocchini: breaking bad meth cook
Ali Williams: coke bust and general gormlessness.
Dillan Halaholo: sustained carpark wanking. Doing it for the kids.
Sione Luaaki: trashing motel room/charged in with assault at a Tron bar/charged for careless driving and crashing/guilty of dropping 5 passes in one half of test match rugby football while playing for the New Zealand All Blacks.
Mark Catchpole: busted for dealing drugs. 9 months P.D
James O'Connor: cock I mean coke bust. (VERY handy bench option here, covers fullback, wing, the whole fucken backline. get set for a long tenure here, shit-for-brains)
John Payne: crippling someone in a bar fight.
Losi Filipo: bashing up four, 2 of them women.

Wider training group

Andrew Hore: killing seals
Keith Murdock: punching a pom in 1862 and maybe killing some bloke in the outback
R.Brooke (trying to root some kid up in the islands or something?)
Scott Higginbotham: assaulting cops
Willie Anderson: nicked a flag on tour in Argentina. Think bigger, Willie.
George Smith: charged with assault
Cliff Palu: weekend detention for assault.
Matt Henjak: broke Haig Sare's jaw
Jimmy Cowan: assaulting 2 bouncers. Plus stuffing up Auckland Blues backline for a season
Doug Rolleson, pokie machine money fraud: not for personal gain hence no jail
John Ryan: busted for an attempted armed hold-up.
Brian Lima GBH
G.Moala: bashing people up on K Rd.
Mitchell Scott: convicted of assault.
Julian Savea: wifebeating (although upon further reading it sounds like this was an absolute nothing, might drop out if WTfWTG)
Sivivatu: domestic violence against his girlfriend/wife
Cameron Shepherd: jumping on parked cars outside the Star Casino. Needs to find more cars. A lot more cars. And maybe another casino.
Roger Randle: suspected rape
Doug Howlett: jumping on cars post world cup exit
Khunt: distributing cocaine and not offering me any at all.
Zac Guildford (naked pissing and beating up an old bloke in Rarotonga)
Wendell Sailor: failed drug test for cocaine banned for 2 years

Selectors: Aunty Doris, Aunty Raewyn from up the shops, her niece, the babysitter, the baby, and a very confused Wayne Gunston
Coach: Dan Crowley
Laptop analysis: Quade Cooper
Team Masseuse: Alan Jones
Treasurer: Nick Farr Jones
Security: A.Gard.
Video Analysis: A.Gard.
Team Bus Driver: Dan Carter
On top of bus and jumping up and down: D.Howlett
 
Dismal Pillock

Dismal Pillock

Michael Lynagh (62)
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Gidday.

Wayne Gunston here on behalf of the fucken All-Time Crim 1st XV selectors.

hair.jpg


Now then. Down to business.

We the selectors are having a tough time differentiating between the gravity of specific crimes.

So then, let’s review.

The Crimes.

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◾Aiding & Abetting / Accessory: just some drongo who got swept up in all the excitement. Your basic Ali Williams. Small time.

◾Assault / Battery: pretty rough. Kind of a real bastard

◾Drug Possession: society says tut tut but really fuck this, it’s just grog that hasn’t been made legal yet really

◾Burglary: a bit a prick but still a bit of a dag. Fairly minor

◾Theft / Larceny: bit more severe but jesus, WTG.

◾Arson: just a bit of a psycho, hardly a crim

◾Bribery: crafty bastard, still minor league though

◾Child Abandonment: ALL FOR IT!

◾Child Abuse: fuckin horrendous. Way worse than the druggies

◾Child rooting: by consensus, THE WORST. Worse than fucken murder

◾Computer Crime: whatever, I’m just trying to make a living here.

◾Conspiracy: got no proof pal

◾Credit Card Fraud: kind of bad but still, pretty crafty too

◾Cyber Bullying: HAHAHAHA

◾Disorderly Conduct: fun night out. Barely even worth mentioning

◾Disturbing the Peace: how the fuck does my stereo go about fielding an up and under? It’s sturdy and well built, I will give you that, but it is NOT making the All-Time Crim 1st XV. MORAN.

◾Domestic Violence: fucken bad. Worse than the druggies

◾Drug Manufacturing and Cultivation: sounds “bad” but wft just a bit of horticulture, take it easy

◾Drug Trafficking / Distribution: got a phone number?

◾DUI / DWI: pretty fucken bad, you drunk driving scumbags could kill some prick

◾Embezzlement: “Capitalism is inherently criminogenic” as I like to say down at the RSL after a few sherries

◾Extortion: bit rougher then embezzlement but whatever

◾Forgery: it’s fucken art! Do you hate art? Where’s the fucken culture!

◾Fraud: a bit rugged

◾Harassment: piss off, it’s just yelling at someone. Dickhead.

◾Hate Crimes: bit racist, you’re a c**t here.

◾Homicide: 2nd worst after kidrooting

◾Indecent Exposure: bugger off, I’m doing that right now

◾Identity Theft: kind of a real wanker here

◾Insurance Fraud: fuckin hate the insurance industry. Rotten wankers

◾Kidnapping: really really severe

◾Manslaughter Involuntary.

◾Manslaughter Voluntary: don’t argue “involuntary/voluntary” semantics with me wanker, you fuckin killed someone. 1st XV.

◾Medical Marijuana: piss off

◾Money Laundering: sounds pretty racey, I want in

◾Murder First-degree

◾Murder Second-degree: 1st degree involuntary 3rd degree cock burns, whatever, here’s your starting jersey

◾Open Container Law: WHAT THE FUCK? Someone has to open the containers down by the docks, how else do they get open?Dickhead. NEXT.

◾Perjury: minor, minor. Just imaginative storytelling. Not a crime. The lawyers are all bloody lying so why can’t you?

◾Probation Violation. Jesus whatever

◾Prostitution: not a crime. Unless it’s Byron’s next job.

◾Public Intoxication: what? that’s just having fun. Since when is fun a crime? WANKER

◾Pyramid Schemes: pretty fuckin bad. These Lehmann fluffybunnys wrecked everyone’s shit

◾Racketeering: tennis is a bit posh but not a crime.

◾Rape: fucking BAD.

◾Robbery: bad but pretty romantic. Unlike rape.

◾Securities Fraud: these wankers brought the world to its financial knees. STRING EM UP

◾Sexual Assault: fucken bad

◾Shoplifting: piss off, fucken nothing

◾Solicitation: what as in gizza root? NEXT.

◾Stalking: kind of pretty bad as it fucks with the sheila’s heads. So Gene tells me anyway.

◾Statutory Rape: this is a really fucken bad one

◾Tax Evasion / Fraud: no crime AT ALL. Fuck tax, I’m not paying it.

◾Telemarketing Fraud: what? some crafty prick on the phone? NEXT.

◾Vandalism. Just art. Is art a crime? NO. Well kind of if it’s a bit shit

◾White Collar Crimes: fucken bad one. In fact these fluffybunnys brought the world to its knees economically. Even worse than murderers, these wankers.

◾Wire Fraud: what? any prick that can sell someone some fucken fraudulent wire is doing ok by me.



In summary:

  1. Kid Rooting
  2. Murder
  3. Chick Bashing
  4. Money Shit
  5. Belting some prick
  6. Drugs

Righto.

-Wayne.

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Hawko

Hawko

Tony Shaw (54)
Based on these criteria, which I largely agree with, Ali Williams and James O'Connor scarcely make the WTG. Guilford, Randle, Moala, Lima, Murdoch and R. Brooke should be considered for elevation and Lauaki, Williams and O'Connor demoted.

Being a self-obsessed wanker is not a crime, some of them even get elected to run their country (Trump, Kevin 07, etc). That's what has got Williams and O'Connor into the 23.
 
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