Press releases from the ARU Media Unit

[PinkRugby]

Love your work Cat! It seriously hurts my head every time I read one of their press releases. It goes against everything I was taught at uni in Journalism 101!

 

[Linebacker_41]

Aaaawww thanks guys!

I quite like "Editor-In-Chief" - makes me like the Ita Buttrose of GAGR

Incidentally, theirs: 523 words, mine: 262 words

Maybe the ARU media machine is getting paid freelance rates.

Cat - you have just reduced your invoice to the ARU by 50%. Be careful cause you may get tapped on the shoulder to provide a cost saving measure for the ARU.

 

[RugbyReg]

Moore’s next appearance would tie Jeremy Paul as the most capped hooker in the history of Australian Rugby. He made his 100th appearance in Fx Pro Super Rugby earlier in the year during the final qualifying round of that competition.

yeah valid, but look at this:

Player (Total Caps) [Actual Starts]
Phil Kearns (67) [65]
Stephen Moore (71) [51]
Peter Johnson (42) [42]
Michael Foley (50) [42]
Tom Lawton (41) [40]
Jeremy Paul (72) [34]

More than half of JP's were off the bench.

Just a minor thing but a personal little gripe of mine.

 

[Cat_A]

I'm baaaack...


Qantas Wallabies team named to play France

The names of NSW Waratahs prop Sekope Kepu and lock Kane Douglas are the new entries in the starting line-up after the Qantas Wallabies side was announced today for Saturday night’s [6.45am Sunday morning, AEDT] Trophée des Bicentenaries Test against France in Paris.

WTF? And what is so wrong with
Prop Sekope Kepu and lock Kane Douglas come into the starting side for the Qantas Wallabies’ Test against France in Paris [6:45am AEDT Sunday].

You’ll also note that I removed the NSW Waratahs: they’re playing for the Wallabies. If you want people to get behind the side without taking partisan-views of players because of which franchise they play for, naming the franchise they play for in the opening “sentence” seems a bit contradictory. If they wear a gold jersey I don’t care where they come from.

While Kepu and Douglas did feature prominently during last month’s drawn Bledisloe Cup Test against the All Blacks in Brisbane, both players were injected into the game from the bench on that occasion.

Bahahaha – have you read that sentence aloud?
Kepu and Douglas featured prominently after coming off the bench during last month’s drawn Bledisloe Cup encounter against the All Blacks in Brisbane.

Today’s selection has seen the players who featured in that contest rewarded.

Who were the featured players? Are you only referring to Kepu & Douglas? The rest of the team? How were they rewarded? What does this sentence mean? Why is it even here? I’m just going to ignore this sentence.

The only changes from the match night squad that halted the All Blacks’ 16-Test winning charge see Rob Simmons join the bench in place of the injured Sitaleki Timani, while Berrick Barnes returns from injury to take over from Drew Mitchell as one of two backline replacements.

Huh? In media and business-writing it is customary for the subject noun of a sentence to go at the beginning, followed by a verb then an objective noun. They (the media and business people) do this because it is clear, and it puts the relevant information up front. Look at the difference it makes…
Rob Simmons and Berrick Barnes have both been named on the bench. Simmons replaces the injured Sitaleki Timani, and Barnes is returning from injury in place of Drew Mitchell.

With the new trial rules in place for Test matches on the Spring Tour [the IRB trial changes are attached] , match night squads have been enlarged to 23 players, to cater for the inclusion of two prop forwards on the bench.

This will allow both James Slipper and Paddy Ryan to participate at the Stade de France, with Ryan poised to become the 13th newly capped Wallaby for the year from 12 Test matches, should he be required to take the field.

Holy shitballs. How did you manage to screw that one up? One sentence leads logically into the other, and yet you’ve made both unintelligible.
Under new IRB trial rule changes [attached] two props have been named in the expanded 23-man squad. James Slipper and Paddy Ryan have been named on the bench, with Ryan poised to become the 13th new cap in the Wallabies 12 Test matches in 2012.

Success this weekend will see the Wallabies tie Australia’s previous best winning sequence against France: the six wins on the run achieved between 1993 and 2000.

Success will see the Wallabies… How does the success see? Is success a tangible object? Are you just trying to sound smart? As my year 8 English teacher once told me: sounding smart should never substitute for being smart. Here’s my suggestion…
If the Wallabies win this weekend it will equal their best winning sequence against France; the Wallabies defeated France 6 times between 1993 and 2000.

NSW Waratahs winger Adam Ashley-Cooper and Brumbies hooker Stephen Moore, who returns from injury via the bench, are the only players involved on Saturday night who have featured in all of the previous wins achieved by the Qantas Wallabies against France during the current sequence, which began in 2008.

A further three players named today: skipper Nathan Sharpe, prop Benn Robinson and the backline reserve Barnes, featured in four of those five wins.

Wow this little section is difficult to understand. Can I introduce you to the concept of reading your sentences aloud before you post them?
Adam Ashley-Cooper and Stephen Moore have played in all five wins against the French since 2008. Skipper Nathan Sharpe, prop Benn Robinson and Barnes have played in four of the five wins.

The Qantas Wallabies arrived in Paris last Sunday afternoon after a 30-hour trip from Australia, via London.

The squad had three days of training together in Sydney prior to its departure, and this morning completed its third session in Paris since arriving.

I see you’re now working chronologically backwards. I don’t know why you’re doing that.
The Qantas Wallabies trained for three days in Sydney before travelling 30-hrs to Paris via London. They completed their third training session in Paris this morning.

“Obviously you adjust things a little bit to cater for a particular opposition but we have had the benefit of some continuity leading into this match, which hasn’t always been the case for us this year,” Qantas Wallabies coach Robbie Deans says.

“There was a lot of good stuff to come out of our last outing, but there were also plenty of things that we could have done better. We’ve talked about that in the time since. While the effort of the players couldn’t be faulted [on that occasion], the accuracy of our execution failed us at times, and will need to be better for the challenges ahead if we are to achieve the consistency of performance we are seeking.”

An encouraging sight at training this week has been the view of winger Digby Ioane (knee), flanker David Pocock (knee), prop Ben Alexander (wrist) and lock Timani (lower back) all involved fully as they work towards availability, most likely for next week’s Cook Cup Test against England at Twickenham Stadium in London.

The addition of the quartet will provide further selection options at the back end of a year where personnel choices have sometimes been limited by injury.

If they’re not playing, we could probably leave off the positions they play – they aren’t playing any position this week. And let’s not discuss their return giving us selection options before we see the injuries from this week.

Digby Ioane (knee), David Pocock (knee), Ben Alexander (wrist) and Timani have been training fully in an encouraging sign for their availability for next week’s Cook Cup test against England at Twickenham.

“Certainly we have more competition for places now than we have had at times previously, and that’s only going to help drive standards and performance,” Deans says.

“The playing group are excited and they are looking forward to the game this weekend. The atmosphere at the Stade de France is always fantastic and the crowd vociferous: it’s a great place to play the game, and a magnificent experience that none of the players who are fortunate enough to put on a jersey on the weekend will ever forget.”

I am 100% sure he meant to say vocal – vociferous isn’t the longer and fancier word for vocal.

Eight of this year’s Qantas Wallabies touring party have never experienced a Spring Tour before: six of the players selected for this weekend are in their first season as Test players.

Although he returns via the bench, Moore [career biography attached] will achieve a notable career milestone if required to take the field.

The Brumbies hooker tied Jeremy Paul as Australia’s most capped rake when he appeared in his 72nd Test during Australia’s Bledisloe Cup Test in Auckland at the end of August.

Moore was set to surpass Paul two weeks later, when named to face South Africa in Perth, but strained his hamstring at training in the lead-up to the Nelson Mandela Challenge Plate defence, and has not been available since.

One of his previous 72 Test caps was earned the last time the Wallabies appeared in Paris, where Moore started as Australia beat France by a record 59-16 score-line two years ago.

I can’t help but think this should be up with where we were talking about Moore before. Since then, we’ve discussed the itinerary, the injured players, the excitement of the team, and the tour debutantes. Then you quickly cut to Moore, who over 4 paragraphs you have established is NOT a debutante.

However I’ll simply re-word it for now.

Moore, currently tied with Jeremy Paul on 72 caps, is poised to become Australia’s most-capped hooker should he take the field. The milestone looked likely against South Africa in Perth, however he strained his hamstring at training in the lead-up.

Much has changed in the time since, with France going on to make last year’s Rugby World Cup Final, which was lost by just a single point, before changing coaches, with the ex-Test captain and well performed [Manchester Sale, Gloucester & Toulon] club coach Philippe Saint-Andre taking command.

Why is this even in here? What does it have to do with the Wallabies team announcement? What do we lose if it’s taken out?

Saturday night’s match kicks off just 14 hours before France salutes one of the major moments of the Franco calendar: Armistice Day, the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the 11th month of the year; which remembers when the guns fell silent following the end of World War One.

This weekend’s commemoration, which will be the 98th since the end of a conflict fought largely on French soil; features a Memorial service on Sunday which will be attended by players from each of the Wallabies and Les Bleus squads – “combatants on Saturday night, comrades in arms hours later”.

I love the message here, but it gets lost in your standard garble. The message is more powerful if it’s simpler and more elegant.
Saturday’s match kicks off just 14 hours before France pauses for Armistice Day – the 11th minute of the 11th hour of the 11th month – marking when the guns fell silent at the end of World War One.

The Wallabies will wear poppies on their playing jersey, and players from both the Wallabies and Les Bleus will attend a Memorial Service on Sunday: combatants on Saturday night, comrades in arms hours later.

France has a history of big results from Tests played on Armistice Day, with the All Blacks being among previous ‘victims’ who can attest to the passion and emotion the occasion can draw out of the French side.

“There is no doubt that the French will feed off that; they are a young group, and a relatively new group in the formative stages of their development,” Deans says.

“That means they will have no fear, no pre-conceptions about what has gone before, and no doubts about their ability. It is a powerful cocktail, and one that we are preparing for.”

The game, which will see the Wallabies wear poppies on the playing jersey as Australian Rugby’s own tribute for Armistice Day, kicks off a 7am on Sunday morning [AEDT] and will be broadcast live on Australian rugby’s new free-to-air broadcaster, Channel 10.

The poppies bit I’ve moved up to where you were talking about the ways they were marking Armistice Day. It fits better there. And I’m reluctant to place Armistice Day in the same mention as a commercial network broadcast. Once you take that bit out the sentence does something none of your previous sentences has done: it flows!

The Qantas Wallabies team to play France in the Trophée des Bicentenaries Test at the Stade de France, Paris on Saturday (kick-off: 9pm local time, 6.45am AEDST) is:

15. Mike Harris (Queensland Reds)
14. Adam Ashley-Cooper (NSW Waratahs)
13. Ben Tapuai (Queensland Reds)
12. Pat McCabe (Brumbies)
11. Nick Cummins (Western Force)
10. Kurtley Beale (Melbourne Rebels)
9. Nick Phipps (Melbourne Rebels)
8. Wycliff Palu (NSW Waratahs)
7. Michael Hooper (NSW Waratahs)
6. Dave Dennis (NSW Waratahs)
5. Nathan Sharpe (Western Force, captain)
4. Kane Douglas (NSW Waratahs)
3. Sekope Kepu (NSW Waratahs)
2. Tatafu Polota Nau (NSW Waratahs)
1. Benn Robinson (NSW Waratahs)

Run on Reserves: They’re not running on at all. I wish you would cease and desist with this nomenclature. It is nonsensical.

16. Stephen Moore (Brumbies)
17. James Slipper (Queensland Reds)
18. Paddy Ryan (NSW Waratahs)
19. Rob Simmons (Queensland Reds)
20. Radike Samo (Queensland Reds)
21. Liam Gill (Queensland Reds)
22. Brett Sheehan (Western Force)
23. Berrick Barnes (NSW Waratahs)

 

[Cat_A]

For word count nerds:
ARU did a personal best of 1241 words
Mine was an economical and readable 832 words (including Deans quotes I refrained from hacking)

 

[Inside Shoulder]

Love your work.
If this is your hobby you will never be short of material.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

[daz]

For word count nerds:
ARU did a personal best of 1241 words
Mine was an economical and readable 832 words (including Deans quotes I refrained from hacking)

Outstanding work, Cat.

Respect!

 

[BPC]

Given the quality of press release emanating from St Leonards, perhaps you should change your usename to Sisyphus.

 

[Cat_A]

I was wondering when I would have the opportunity to once again marvel at the grammatically-gifted wordsmiths at the ARU...

http://www.rugby.com.au/News/NewsArticle/tabid/1699/ArticleID/8419/Default.aspx

This one is brief, yet still inexplicably long.

Ticket allocations exhausted for Lions Tests

2/18/2013
By ARU Media Unit

Rugby fans have rushed to secure tickets for the three Tests between the Qantas Wallabies and British & Irish Lions, with allocations for the series drained within minutes of going on General Public sale today.

If you flip the two parts of this sentence around it’ll be easier to read, and general public is not a proper noun so it doesn’t need the capital letters. The general public is not a recognised minority group, and there are no ticket sections for “General Public”; these days members of the peasant class are permitted to mingle with the aristocracy in a stadium without so much as a by-your-leave.


It could’ve been “Ticket allocations for the general public were drained within minutes of going on sale today as rugby fans rushed to secure tickets for the three Tests between the Qantas Wallabies and the British & Irish Lions”

Sales opened at 9am in each market with the first Test in Brisbane having its ticket allocation exhausted inside five minutes.

I understand you talk about “markets” in-house and I am sure the term means something to you, but we out here in rugby-lovers land like to think about “states” and “cities” and “locations”. In much the same way, I like to think of myself as a "person" or collectively, "people" not a "consumer". And my team is a "team" to me, and they play a "game" not the "commodified matchday experience with marketing opportunities" it might be to you. Likewise “exhausting ticket allocations” sounds like "sold out tickets". Although I do like getting a visual of a cartoon-like ticket gasping for air and water before it collapses dramatically.

I'm a realist and I know that you need to think of rugby that way, but you seem to be writing this piece for the "General Public", of which I am a member, and I don't want to think of rugby that way. You could’ve said…

Sales opened at 9am local time in each Test-match city, with the first Test in Brisbane selling out within 5 minutes.

On another note, I’m a fan of descriptive verbs: rushed is good, drained is excellent. Exhausted is superb. When we look at them all together though, I can’t help but wonder… Are YOU are rushed, drained and exhausted? Are you getting enough iron?

Available tickets to the second Test in Melbourne and the third Test in Sydney were also sold in less than 15 minutes.

Soooo… were there ever UNavailable tickets up for grabs? Hmmmm… curious. Also, I love that you create new and elaborate ways of saying things that could be said simply and elegantly, but what you actually said was that available tickets were sold to the Melbourne and Sydney Tests within 15min. It doesn’t say that they sold out/exhausted themselves within 15min.

I think you meant:
The second Test in Melbourne and the third Test in Sydney both sold out in less than 15 minutes.

To really blow your mind, I’d like to link the two sentences together into a mega-sentence:
Sales opened at 9am local time in each Test-match city. The first Test in Brisbane sold out within 5 minutes; while the second Test in Melbourne and the third Test in Sydney both sold out in less than 15 minutes.

The opening Test of the Lions series is still more than four months into the future, but demand for the Tour that has been “12 Years in the Making” has sparked interest for tickets on a scale not witnessed since the Rugby World Cup in 2003.

More than four months into the future… I would love to know if you, or anyone you interact with regularly, ever says this stuff aloud.

And it’s totally ok to say “seen” rather than “witnessed” because witness is not the fancier way of saying “seen” despite what the thesaurus in Word says. A witness is someone who has firsthand knowledge about a dramatic event, so to witness something is to have observed firsthand a dramatic event. Despite being exhausted, drained, rushed, and otherwise completely stuffed, no one thinks ticket sales are dramatic events. Seen is better. Trust me.

The opening Test of the Lions series is still more than four months away, but demand for the Tour touted as “12 Years in the Making” has created a demand for tickets on a scale not seen since Australia hosted the Rugby World Cup in 2003.

Australian Rugby Union is urging sporting fans not to miss the opportunity to be part of the Lions Tour with tickets still available for matches against the Super Rugby teams and a Combined NSW-Queensland Country side.

The nine-match Tour, taking in six cities, kicks off with the Lions playing the Western Force in Perth on Wednesday, June 5.

“Sooo guys even though the good tickets sold out super-fast, you can still get to these shitters…”. Way to build up the opportunity guys – spend an entire article talking about how fast the Test tix were sold out, then snap around and “urge people” (possibly the “General Public”) to still buy some. It’s actually a pretty simple fix, and one that won’t make those who missed the Test tickets feel like 2nd class citizens. Putting a “the” in front of the Australian Rugby Union would’ve been better too, but I’m sure you had your reasons for skipping it (even if they aren’t obvious to anyone else…)

Although the Test matches have sold out, rugby fans can still be a part of the Lions tour. Tickets are still available for matches against the Super Rugby sides and a combined NSW-Queensland Country side.

The Lions tour will take in 6 cities, kicking off in Perth on Wednesday June 5 when the Lions face the Western Force.

 

[Lindommer]

Love yer work, Cat. I gather you'd be a fan of Gowers?

 

[BPC]

I see the ARU is off to a strong start for the year. No shilly-shallying around with an almost normal release and slowly building up to greater and greater crimes against the English language.

Perhaps Cat_A should contact the ARU and remind them with the Super-Rugby, inbound tests, Lions tour and end of year tour, there is plenty of rugby writing to be mangled and it is a marathon, not a sprint.

 

[Cat_A]

Haha - just a little one from today...
http://www.rugby.com.au/News/NewsArticle/tabid/1699/ArticleID/8423/Default.aspx

The 2013 British & Irish Lions Tour to Australia is looming as the most attended in Australian Rugby history following the speed at which tickets were purchased in yesterday’s General Public on sale.

This is truly a masterpiece of the passive-voice. Thirty-three words and it still doesn't really say anything.... What an opening!

The 2013 British & Irish Lions Tour to Australia is set to break Tour attendance records if yesterday's ticket sales are anything to go by.

I know I've missed out the "General Public" part and the "speed at which the ticket sales were purchased" part, but that's actually covered in the Pulveriser's quote later in the article. The focus of the article, as far as I can tell, is that they're expecting record attendances - that should be the main subject in the opening sentence, not the "speed at...."

 

[BPC]

The "General Public". Oh dear...

It's enough to make you want to beat the author of the press releases to death with a copy of Strunk and White.

 

[Sully]

What is the other type of public going to the lions match. Will I be able to tell who is general public and who in ungeneral public? Is there a secret handshake?

 

[Inside Shoulder]

This is not a press release as such.
It just turned up in my inbox.
Look at the date in the top left hand corner: get the ARU a desk calendar or some of that new fangled software that can insert today's date.
"school is just around the corner" - even on 4.2.2103 most of them were back!
This just makes me cringe - some people I know get these lame marketing things and think "typical rugby, late and out of touch"

 

[Braveheart81]

What is the other type of public going to the lions match. Will I be able to tell who is general public and who in ungeneral public? Is there a secret handshake?

Don't tell me you missed the ARU email about the secret handshake.

 

[p.Tah]

I've come to the conclusion that Cat_A actually works for the ARU Media Unit. She writes these press releases just so she can have fun on G&GR

 

[Cat_A]

I've come to the conclusion that Cat_A actually works for the ARU Media Unit. She writes these press releases just so she can have fun on G&GR

A girl can dream.

I think I need to change the title on this thread as they aren't purely press releases- they are website articles. However I would expect the intention of most of these "works" is to inform & provide info for real journos as well as the "General Public", so my criticisms all still stand.

 

[Lindommer]

.....beat the author of the press releases to death with a copy of Strunk and White.

Anyone who thinks this missive on AMERICAN English is an appropriate reference deserves to be clouted by a copy of The Complete Plain Words by Gowers.

For those looking for an Australian bent, the Plain English Foundation, emanating from the excellent work of Professor Robert Eagleson, is a good place to start. Here's a link: http://plainenglishfoundation.com/

 

[Cat_A]

This is another gem: 61 words without a full stop- excellent work!

Despite the loss, the Brisbane Academy played with a level of professionalism that is instilled in the Academy Program, as players ranging in age from 17 to 23 got a sense of what is required at the elite level Coach Paul Carozza was proud of his team’s efforts and happy that they had the opportunity to play a more experienced side.