Cat_A
Arch Winning (36)
I refer to this press release. I’ve vented throughout and will post my version of it after…
http://www.rugby.com.au/wallabies/News/NewsArticle/tabid/1516/ArticleID/4079/Default.aspx
The selections of Scott Higginbotham at the back of the scrum, and Nathan Sharpe in the second row, represent the two changes to the Qantas Wallabies starting XV which has been named today ahead of Saturday’s [Sunday morning, AEST] Castrol Edge Tri Nations Series match against South Africa in Durban. The selections of Scott Higginbotham and Nathan Sharpe don’t represent the changes, they ARE the changes to the starting XV.
Higginbotham and Sharpe take the places of Ben McCalman and Rob Simmons respectively as the Wallabies take on a much changed Springbok XV in the crunch Tri Nations encounter.
Despite last week’s 14-30 loss to New Zealand in Auckland, Australia remains a live chance of bagging the Tri Nations title for the first time in a decade, but must come away from King’s Park with championship points to keep that reality alive ahead of the final round match against New Zealand in Brisbane on August 27. Did we really need to say “live” chance? What other chance could there be? And you don’t keep a reality alive: you keep a dream alive so it becomes a reality. And let me introduce you to how paragraphs work. They usually include more than one sentence of related subjects. This “paragraph” you have written contains neither of those things: not more than one sentence, and the sentence is talking about 2 fairly unrelated (given the context at least) subjects. I would possibly hold off on mentioning the next game until either a) the end of this “piece”, or b) the article after the game.
McCalman has been retained in the match night squad for the game, which kicks off at 1am Sunday morning [AEST], but Simmons has been rested in a straight swap for Sharpe. Can we maybe just say that McCalman has been retained in the side? Surely saying “in the match night squad” is redundant. Oh sorry- redundant means you’ve said the same thing twice, therefore one is redundant.
The second row place on the bench has been taken by the damaging NSW Waratahs second rower Sitaleki Timani, who steps in for Dan Vickerman, who returned to Australia after last weekend’s Test in order to continue his comeback with a full eighty minutes of club play this weekend with Sydney University. How f**king long is this sentence? And how many non sequiters can be awkwardly shoved into a long sentence that doesn’t actually say anything?
Queensland Reds No 8 Radike Samo also comes onto the bench, which has reverted to a five-forward two-back split, in the place of NSW Waratahs winger Lachie Turner. Oh my god – put the important info first and use fewer words - Radike Samo has replaced Lachie Turner on the bench, with Deans opting for a five-two split of forwards to backs.
“Rob has been troubled for a wee while now by a shoulder niggle. With so much rugby still to come this year, and a physically taxing afternoon in prospect, we thought it prudent to pull back on his involvement for now to allow his shoulder to rest up,” Qantas Wallabies coach Robbie Deans said, adding that Simmons was not in doubt for next week’s Rugby World Cup squad naming. Firstly - when did we go back to talking about Simmons?? Secondly Robbie: please allow me to rephrase for you so you sound more decisive: Rob’s been carrying a bit of a shoulder complaint for a while that we’ve chosen to ignore, instead electing to test his gammy shoulder against soft opposition of the All Blacks. But he’s now bitching and moaning all the time and I’m sick of hearing it. We’ve got a long time away together as a squad, so I wanted to get his shoulder right now so I didn’t need to hear him crying himself to sleep through my hotel room throughout the whole f**king world cup.” Or ARU Media Unit, you could have chosen to paraphrase him, or edit his quote….
Sharpe returns after getting through a full match in club play last weekend for the University of Queensland, while Higginbotham has been rewarded with a maiden Test start after some rousing performances off the bench for the Wallabies in the opening three matches of the year. This info should be up the top where you were talking about them the first time. Honestly, do you know how to structure an article?
Although he was involved in last year’s Tri Nations squad, being robbed of a possible Test debut when forced from the bench at late notice last year in Pretoria; Higginbotham had to wait until the last game of 2010 before finally taking his maiden Test bow as a Wallaby, during the 59-16 demolition of France in Paris at the end of the Spring Tour. What? And why is this a different paragraph. Seriously, this is supposed to be a press release that media outlets can simply lift text out of to drop into a space on a page, and you’re giving them this? I know the story already, and I still had to read that 8 times to understand what you were saying.
“Scott has made a genuine impact in each of his Test outings to date this year,” Deans noted, “and we’ll be looking for him to do the same from the start this week.” To date is another redundant clause. Or to give you an example of redundant clause: To date is yet another redundant clause repeated throughout. See what I did there? I said the same thing over and over so my paragraph would be more impressive. But it doesn’t actually make me sound smarter, does it…? The sentence makes more sense without it. And if you’ve already broken up a quote with “Deans noted”, where’s the real harm in fixing up the man’s sentence structure, again so he can sound smarter?
A further change on the bench sees Brumbies prop Salesi Ma’afu enter for the first time this year, after missing the back end of Super Rugby due to a fractured arm, which was sustained against the Lions. Couldn’t you have structured this better, where you talk about the changes to the starting side, why they happened, then the bench.. oh never mind, I’ll just fix it myself.
Ma’afu featured in 10 Tests during his maiden season as a Wallaby last year, starting in all six matches of last year’s Tri Nations series. Why is this a different paragraph? Isn’t it just another sentence in the previous one?
He has taken the bench position previously occupied by Pekahou Cowan. See above. Where did he take it? You’re just making this shit up now.
“Salesi has worked hard to get back. The work he put in at our Gold Coast camp last week confirmed for us, on top of his medical clearance, that he is ready to go,” Deans said. ibid
“He’s in good nick physically, has scrummed well in training and, most importantly, has been there before. Salesi knows what to expect in these types of contests. We will be looking for him to add value when he gets his chance.” Ibid (again – yes, I know what ibid means, but you appear to love redundancy in writing and FFS, you’ve used 4 paragraphs talking about the kid, in clunky prose, and I’ve had to sit through 2 separate butcherings of the English language by Dingo already.
While the Australian starting line-up features nine of the players who started in last year’s thrilling 41-39 win over South Africa at Bloemfontein, which was the Wallabies’ second win in the Republic from three seasons, but Australia’s first at a high veldt venue in 47 years; the Springboks will still field a vastly more experienced outfit. Wow – I see what you’re trying to do: mention the Australian poor record, their thrilling Bloem win, but what outfit are you comparing the Boks to when you refer to them as a “more experienced outfit”? Because it’s written as if last year’s team in Bloem was less experienced, but I think you’re actually comparing them to the team that came out to Aus. Because the latter would make more sense (logically), however it would also make the linking of these 2 concepts completely illogical and non-sensical. Not to mention (like this sentence) hard to follow.
Last week, Australia faced the most experienced All Black line-up, in terms of collective caps, in history, and the Springbok group is tipped to similarly boast a record number of South African appearances when it is named later today. You’re just guessing the likely team, so we could’ve probably saved this for another media release tomorrow, giving us something else to talk about then. But shit, you’ve just found this stat out and you needed to try it out on someone. And besides, what dickhead would’ve really been able to hang on and read this long anyway. Oh, me? Yeah, fair point.
“We saw last week that the All Blacks hit the ground running, with a group that featured a number of experienced players coming off a brief break, and the Springboks will be no different,” Deans said.
“We didn’t handle the opening onslaught in Auckland and that set us on the back foot for the remainder of the match. The South Africans won’t have missed that. More of the same will be coming. It is important we adapt better and get ourselves into the contest from the start.” Deans, call me before you speak anymore. You are having a negative impact on the press-release writers
This weekend’s match will be refereed by Bryce Lawrence of New Zealand.
The Qantas Wallabies team to play South Africa in the Castrol Edge Tri Nations Rugby Test at King’s Park in Durban on Saturday night (kick-off: 1am, Sunday morning, AEST) is:
15. Kurtley Beale (NSW Waratahs)
14. James O’Connor (Western Force)
13. Adam Ashley-Cooper (Brumbies)
12. Pat McCabe (Brumbies)
11. Digby Ioane (Queensland Reds)
10. Quade Cooper (Queensland Reds)
9. Will Genia (Queensland Reds)
8. Scott Higginbotham (Queensland Reds)
7. David Pocock (Western Force)
6. Rocky Elsom (Brumbies, captain)
5. James Horwill (Queensland Reds)
4. Nathan Sharpe (Western Force)
3. Ben Alexander (Brumbies)
2. Stephen Moore (Brumbies)
1. Sekope Kepu (NSW Waratahs)
Run on Reserves: No. See they’re either running on, or they’re reserves. You didn’t need to say “run on reserves” unless you’re referring to “running on to sing the national anthem and then warming the pine until Dingo tells them not to” in which case, they're technically running onto the field...but still it's a tough differentiation to make
16. Saia Fainga’a (Queensland Reds)
17. Salesi Ma’afu (Brumbies)
18. Sitaleki Timani (NSW Waratahs)
19. Ben McCalman (Western Force)
20. Radike Samo (Queensland Reds)
21. Luke Burgess (NSW Waratahs)
22. Anthony Fainga’a (Queensland Reds)
http://www.rugby.com.au/wallabies/News/NewsArticle/tabid/1516/ArticleID/4079/Default.aspx
The selections of Scott Higginbotham at the back of the scrum, and Nathan Sharpe in the second row, represent the two changes to the Qantas Wallabies starting XV which has been named today ahead of Saturday’s [Sunday morning, AEST] Castrol Edge Tri Nations Series match against South Africa in Durban. The selections of Scott Higginbotham and Nathan Sharpe don’t represent the changes, they ARE the changes to the starting XV.
Higginbotham and Sharpe take the places of Ben McCalman and Rob Simmons respectively as the Wallabies take on a much changed Springbok XV in the crunch Tri Nations encounter.
Despite last week’s 14-30 loss to New Zealand in Auckland, Australia remains a live chance of bagging the Tri Nations title for the first time in a decade, but must come away from King’s Park with championship points to keep that reality alive ahead of the final round match against New Zealand in Brisbane on August 27. Did we really need to say “live” chance? What other chance could there be? And you don’t keep a reality alive: you keep a dream alive so it becomes a reality. And let me introduce you to how paragraphs work. They usually include more than one sentence of related subjects. This “paragraph” you have written contains neither of those things: not more than one sentence, and the sentence is talking about 2 fairly unrelated (given the context at least) subjects. I would possibly hold off on mentioning the next game until either a) the end of this “piece”, or b) the article after the game.
McCalman has been retained in the match night squad for the game, which kicks off at 1am Sunday morning [AEST], but Simmons has been rested in a straight swap for Sharpe. Can we maybe just say that McCalman has been retained in the side? Surely saying “in the match night squad” is redundant. Oh sorry- redundant means you’ve said the same thing twice, therefore one is redundant.
The second row place on the bench has been taken by the damaging NSW Waratahs second rower Sitaleki Timani, who steps in for Dan Vickerman, who returned to Australia after last weekend’s Test in order to continue his comeback with a full eighty minutes of club play this weekend with Sydney University. How f**king long is this sentence? And how many non sequiters can be awkwardly shoved into a long sentence that doesn’t actually say anything?
Queensland Reds No 8 Radike Samo also comes onto the bench, which has reverted to a five-forward two-back split, in the place of NSW Waratahs winger Lachie Turner. Oh my god – put the important info first and use fewer words - Radike Samo has replaced Lachie Turner on the bench, with Deans opting for a five-two split of forwards to backs.
“Rob has been troubled for a wee while now by a shoulder niggle. With so much rugby still to come this year, and a physically taxing afternoon in prospect, we thought it prudent to pull back on his involvement for now to allow his shoulder to rest up,” Qantas Wallabies coach Robbie Deans said, adding that Simmons was not in doubt for next week’s Rugby World Cup squad naming. Firstly - when did we go back to talking about Simmons?? Secondly Robbie: please allow me to rephrase for you so you sound more decisive: Rob’s been carrying a bit of a shoulder complaint for a while that we’ve chosen to ignore, instead electing to test his gammy shoulder against soft opposition of the All Blacks. But he’s now bitching and moaning all the time and I’m sick of hearing it. We’ve got a long time away together as a squad, so I wanted to get his shoulder right now so I didn’t need to hear him crying himself to sleep through my hotel room throughout the whole f**king world cup.” Or ARU Media Unit, you could have chosen to paraphrase him, or edit his quote….
Sharpe returns after getting through a full match in club play last weekend for the University of Queensland, while Higginbotham has been rewarded with a maiden Test start after some rousing performances off the bench for the Wallabies in the opening three matches of the year. This info should be up the top where you were talking about them the first time. Honestly, do you know how to structure an article?
Although he was involved in last year’s Tri Nations squad, being robbed of a possible Test debut when forced from the bench at late notice last year in Pretoria; Higginbotham had to wait until the last game of 2010 before finally taking his maiden Test bow as a Wallaby, during the 59-16 demolition of France in Paris at the end of the Spring Tour. What? And why is this a different paragraph. Seriously, this is supposed to be a press release that media outlets can simply lift text out of to drop into a space on a page, and you’re giving them this? I know the story already, and I still had to read that 8 times to understand what you were saying.
“Scott has made a genuine impact in each of his Test outings to date this year,” Deans noted, “and we’ll be looking for him to do the same from the start this week.” To date is another redundant clause. Or to give you an example of redundant clause: To date is yet another redundant clause repeated throughout. See what I did there? I said the same thing over and over so my paragraph would be more impressive. But it doesn’t actually make me sound smarter, does it…? The sentence makes more sense without it. And if you’ve already broken up a quote with “Deans noted”, where’s the real harm in fixing up the man’s sentence structure, again so he can sound smarter?
A further change on the bench sees Brumbies prop Salesi Ma’afu enter for the first time this year, after missing the back end of Super Rugby due to a fractured arm, which was sustained against the Lions. Couldn’t you have structured this better, where you talk about the changes to the starting side, why they happened, then the bench.. oh never mind, I’ll just fix it myself.
Ma’afu featured in 10 Tests during his maiden season as a Wallaby last year, starting in all six matches of last year’s Tri Nations series. Why is this a different paragraph? Isn’t it just another sentence in the previous one?
He has taken the bench position previously occupied by Pekahou Cowan. See above. Where did he take it? You’re just making this shit up now.
“Salesi has worked hard to get back. The work he put in at our Gold Coast camp last week confirmed for us, on top of his medical clearance, that he is ready to go,” Deans said. ibid
“He’s in good nick physically, has scrummed well in training and, most importantly, has been there before. Salesi knows what to expect in these types of contests. We will be looking for him to add value when he gets his chance.” Ibid (again – yes, I know what ibid means, but you appear to love redundancy in writing and FFS, you’ve used 4 paragraphs talking about the kid, in clunky prose, and I’ve had to sit through 2 separate butcherings of the English language by Dingo already.
While the Australian starting line-up features nine of the players who started in last year’s thrilling 41-39 win over South Africa at Bloemfontein, which was the Wallabies’ second win in the Republic from three seasons, but Australia’s first at a high veldt venue in 47 years; the Springboks will still field a vastly more experienced outfit. Wow – I see what you’re trying to do: mention the Australian poor record, their thrilling Bloem win, but what outfit are you comparing the Boks to when you refer to them as a “more experienced outfit”? Because it’s written as if last year’s team in Bloem was less experienced, but I think you’re actually comparing them to the team that came out to Aus. Because the latter would make more sense (logically), however it would also make the linking of these 2 concepts completely illogical and non-sensical. Not to mention (like this sentence) hard to follow.
Last week, Australia faced the most experienced All Black line-up, in terms of collective caps, in history, and the Springbok group is tipped to similarly boast a record number of South African appearances when it is named later today. You’re just guessing the likely team, so we could’ve probably saved this for another media release tomorrow, giving us something else to talk about then. But shit, you’ve just found this stat out and you needed to try it out on someone. And besides, what dickhead would’ve really been able to hang on and read this long anyway. Oh, me? Yeah, fair point.
“We saw last week that the All Blacks hit the ground running, with a group that featured a number of experienced players coming off a brief break, and the Springboks will be no different,” Deans said.
“We didn’t handle the opening onslaught in Auckland and that set us on the back foot for the remainder of the match. The South Africans won’t have missed that. More of the same will be coming. It is important we adapt better and get ourselves into the contest from the start.” Deans, call me before you speak anymore. You are having a negative impact on the press-release writers
This weekend’s match will be refereed by Bryce Lawrence of New Zealand.
The Qantas Wallabies team to play South Africa in the Castrol Edge Tri Nations Rugby Test at King’s Park in Durban on Saturday night (kick-off: 1am, Sunday morning, AEST) is:
15. Kurtley Beale (NSW Waratahs)
14. James O’Connor (Western Force)
13. Adam Ashley-Cooper (Brumbies)
12. Pat McCabe (Brumbies)
11. Digby Ioane (Queensland Reds)
10. Quade Cooper (Queensland Reds)
9. Will Genia (Queensland Reds)
8. Scott Higginbotham (Queensland Reds)
7. David Pocock (Western Force)
6. Rocky Elsom (Brumbies, captain)
5. James Horwill (Queensland Reds)
4. Nathan Sharpe (Western Force)
3. Ben Alexander (Brumbies)
2. Stephen Moore (Brumbies)
1. Sekope Kepu (NSW Waratahs)
Run on Reserves: No. See they’re either running on, or they’re reserves. You didn’t need to say “run on reserves” unless you’re referring to “running on to sing the national anthem and then warming the pine until Dingo tells them not to” in which case, they're technically running onto the field...but still it's a tough differentiation to make
16. Saia Fainga’a (Queensland Reds)
17. Salesi Ma’afu (Brumbies)
18. Sitaleki Timani (NSW Waratahs)
19. Ben McCalman (Western Force)
20. Radike Samo (Queensland Reds)
21. Luke Burgess (NSW Waratahs)
22. Anthony Fainga’a (Queensland Reds)
