Jokers totally unempirical Weekend Match prophecies
*WARNING- This is humour. Those who are triggered by parody, satire and buffoonery should look away now and stick their head in a bucket of water.
Round 1
Newington v St Joseph’s @ Stanmore International Airport
What a delicious clash this promises to be. Two teams jam-packed with unknown potential smashing into one anotherwith the ferocity of Black Friday shoppers. Newington this year have been perceived as scamming us during the trial games. The inclusion of an all year 7 front row last weekend disclosed their hand that are they saving the larger fellas for this week’s game. Newington can perform like a souffle. They have so much sugary promise, so much mouthwateringpotential but all it takes is a small collision to push them off their game plan and the dish falls to pieces in a chaotic heap. Joeys of course will be archetypal Joeys. Small, fast, ruthlessand full of dexterity without all the nonsense of running over others. Joeys have appreciated a longer prep time this season unlike previous years. They are happy to take a recent defeatto a bigger team to sort out the tougher dogs from the young puppies. They may have also unearthed potential this seasonand it will be seen if these dogs show the same bite as those in years gone by. Joeys’ boys will be primed (fed mainly on chicken schnity) for a respectable showing to remind the trolls of what they can do. Run fast, tackle in swarms, scrum hardand use their skilful interplay to bamboozle the Wookies. It won’t be fancy but it will be appetizing and will provide the travelling army of blue a dose of satisfaction.
Joeys by 6 lamb chump chops
Riverview v Shore @ The Swamp
This week the legacy media has promisied rain and more rain. Those who are older and remember a simpler time when rugby balls were leather may recognize the need for players at Lane Cove to wear a wetsuit and scuba gear. Riverview 1 has a convention of reverting to a swampy marshland as soon asthere is a hint of precipitation. With several games on it before the match you could expect the swampy bog will challenge any of mum’s laundry soaking skills to get Monteque’s white shorts back to their sparkling, Vatican white. The game is a tough one to pick. In years gone by you would have picked anyone playing Shore as the winner, even the Grammar 16D’s, but the Shoremen of Stirling Bridge have found courage again an begun to take some impressive scalps. Shore are not the lightweights they once were. The AAGPS needs a strong Shore as this provides shock, doubt, meat pies and mystery to the menu each weekend. Last year every tipster chose Joeys over Shore. To the shock of all it was a draw, much to the delight of Shore boys (who could have won with a late penalty being denied). Underestimate Shore at your peril this season. Riverview though are building for the future.Maybe they should finish main building one day. The wild wolves have some budding wolf cubs and playing at home in front the wildest, most lunatic supporters, I feel they willspring surprises this year. BUT…. this Saturday I sense the lads from Stirling bridge will look at this game as a spring board to others. Vanquish the wolves and then slay the rest as Shore march onwards, with banners flying high to the AAGPS title. I have a dream…
Shore by 7 bunches of Ruby Roman Grapes
Scots College v The Kings School @ The Deathstar
MATCH OF THE ROUND.
Once again, we see the greatest battle of culinary delights in the western spiral arm of the Milky Way. The streets will be flooded with the latest Parramatta Cattle trucks (The newestLandrovers are indeed very comfy) and Bellevue Hill tractors(Bentley Bentaygas, who knew). The Kings supporters will be primed for another big season after enjoying success these past few seasons. This year though they may have to settle for a domestic bubbly rather than the imported. Even the localprovidores have been running out of French cheese, Spanish ham and Italian wine. Talk about crisis of living when you resort to domestic cheese. Fortunately, the Kings cattle have been dining on some of the best Beluga Caviar, Matsutake Mushrooms and Iberico Ham sandwiches all on daddy’sPlatinum Uber Eats account. But wait, Scots will be no lightweights. The team has been busy this week feeding on Kobe (Wagyu) beef, Alma’s caviar, Plumer Road chicken burgers and Chocopologie truffle for dessert. Expectations areagain high. From the top of the forever unfinished Death Star, the Dark Lord has decreed the rugby galaxy will tremble at the rumble of the dark empire’s creations, I mean players once more. Scots have enormous firepower in all areas (the ground assault against Hoth showed the brutality) but will the game plan be followed? In the past the distraction of a von Essen Platinum club sandwich in the Kings supporter picnic basket has derailed them. A fascinating battle looms and at this early stage of the season playing at home normally gives you the advantage, especially when the supporters play those f&%ingbagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
Scots by 15 Imperial walkers
