I have not had the emotional space to create my fearless culinary preview for this weekend block buster at Heaven’s pastures. So instead, I have decided to write a story explaining the whole Riverview v Joeys rivalry thingy. Trust me.
Ok, everyone settle down, Uncle Joker has a story to tell. “Once Upon a time…..
God was sitting down on a beautiful Saturday afternoon in his golden rumpus room also known as Las Vegas. The simple 500L fridge was well stocked, well it was always stocked, for God had never seen it not so. The Tim Tam’s were out in force, the bowl of chicken Twisties at the ready, the 600inch Ultra 18k TV was warmed up and Cluch was about to start. Even the NBN was working well. This was truly heaven!
God could not have been happier. And wouldn’t you know it, someone had to come along and disturb the big guy just as the game kicked off. Lucky for God he can pause the universe with a thought and strained his head to see who was interrupting his “me, myself, I time”. God did not like interruptions and he had even turned down his prayer radio so he couldn’t hear the constant requests for assistance from the pesky Presbyterians and pious Anglicans.
Standing in golden archway was Jesus. He was looking flummoxed and he approached his dad and collapsed into the cloud next to his father.
“Dad?” said Jesus
“Yes, my son,” replied the Lord, “what is the problem?”
“It is about today’s game,” and he nodded in the direction of the TV.
“Oh that,” replied The Lord, “what is it this year? I thought you making the posts fall over, saving the Joeys Old Boys from injury at the Leichardt stand collapse and letting Joey win a game four minutes after the bell as some of your best work. What is the issue?”
Jesus sighed a deep sigh and looked into the distance ignoring the unicorns prancing in heavens meadows. “Well Dad, I have a big decision this year. All week both schools have been praying up a storm. The Jesuits of course just can’t enough of what I do. They constantly tell me how good Frank is doing as Pope and can we have more Jesuits please in power. Plus, they believe they are due for a double win over the Marists. I thought the win earlier this season would be enough. You know, I did not allow Joeys passes to reach their mark and I even allowed Joeys players to collide, and I even blinded the match official that very moment. It seems they want even more.”
“That sounds like they really want your blessing this year my son,” replied the Lord as he grabbed another handful of Twisties. (The hole that was left magically refilled) This was not the answer though Jesus wanted for he had another issue.
“Father, I know we say the meek shall inherit the earth and blessed are the cheese makers…”
“Peacemakers……,” the Lord interjected
“Peacemakers. cheesemakers…...., but those noisy Marists have just been singing every day and every night. Yes, “Ancient Words” is getting a bit tired. Joeys lads have been attending mass every day, wearing Rosary beads to bed, blessing their rugby jumpers and even watering their number 1 oval with Holy Water. They are doing some serious lobbying that even the ALP in Canberra are noticing. I just can’t decide whom I shall turn my face to and bless with my gaze. Do you understand?” Jesus asked.
The Lord pondered his son’s dilemma for a few moments and then spoke his wisest words….
“Go ask your mother.”
Jesus soon found himself in a large room full of new born babies floating on clouds with Mother Mary blessing them all with her serene gaze from her sapphire blue eyes. Angels strummed harps above her head and her clothing shone with brilliant white and blue light. “Mum,” Jesus said, “can you help me please?”
“Certainly darling, what is the problem. Is your father eating all the Twisties again? Is he turning the unicorns into dinosaurs?”
“No, not this time, it is just how do I pick between Riverview and Joeys? They both are so good.”
“Listen to me my dear, it is simple. Do you love your mother?”
“Yes of course, “replied Jesus
“With all your heart? With your strength?”
“Yes mother, all that I have and more, I will love you till the end of days even when Uncle Lucifer comes back”
“And so my child, if you love me with all your heart and soul, then you must then chose the team that loves me just as much as you love me. Does that make sense?” asked Mary.
“Well,” replied Jesus, “that is easy, then I choose Joeys as they love you as much as I do.”
“Yes, that is correct” said Our Lady, “but as well, I just like to mess with the Jesuits anyway.”
And with that, the love of Jesus shone down upon Heavens Pasture and the cattle dogs once again heaped disappointment onto the View lads. And in the distance, a serene statue perched on top of sandstone building enjoyed a quiet smile to herself.