HERE'S a few words to cause pandemonium in the ARU bunker at St Leonard's . . . the most embarrassing secret in Australian rugby laid bare.
Listen carefully, you might almost hear some panicky wails over the aggrieved roar of document shredders being pushed way beyond their capacity. And what with "delete all files" being clicked on computers from one end of the bunker to the other and dictaphones being wiped clean and then tossed into the shredders just for good measure, it's just possible no one at the ARU could officially tell you who, for example, is the latest Wallabies captain.
Actually, there isn't really a dirty secret as such and I confess I'm just up to mischief, doing to the ARU heavyweights what they do to everyone else and shaking them up for no good reason. The secret, such as it is, is exposed on the Green and Gold Rugby website where startling vision reveals that Quade Cooper not only wore gold undies while playing against the Springboks in Durban but gold undies that replicated his jersey number, "1" on one cheek and "0" on the other.
Look no further - indeed don't look at all if you're easily embarrassed - for proof of just how much it means to Cooper to play five-eighth for Australia.
Please forgive my levity but this has been such a harrowing, brooding week in the game that a little humour surely is called for. What with the announcements that Robbie is staying, Gits is gone, Rocky demoted and Kevvie promoted, it has been a time to fray the nerves of the most stoic of rugby followers.
Oh, almost forgot yesterday's sad-happy revelations that Chris Hickey is leaving as Waratahs head coach and that another good man, Michael Foley, is about to take his place. It's a good thing the Wallabies have the weekend off. For all of us to be put through the exquisite gut-churning excitement of watching them play another Test match so soon after all the dramas of recent days would have been stimulation overload.
So I'm guessing, hoping actually, that Cooper won't mind being the butt of a little warped humour if it helps to break some of the tension and lighten what is becoming the increasingly heavier atmosphere of Australian rugby.
There will not be many chances between now and October 23 - the date of the World Cup final in Auckland - for the Wallabies or their supporters to draw breath and reflect. So let's take a moment. First up, let's acknowledge the great Test career of Giteau, a career now surely at an end unless the Wallabies are hit by some truly catastrophic injuries in New Zealand. In the entire history of the game, only 25 players, from all countries, have won more Test caps than him. Only five Australians rank above him, George Gregan, George Smith, Steve Larkham, David Campese and Nathan Sharpe - all greats of the game.
So too is Giteau and it wouldn't hurt if he was accorded a little respect to go with a tally of Tests mere mortals could never dream of reaching. He may not be quite the player he once was but he still is a formidable competitor and it has been sad to see him exposed to the almost officially sanctioned ridicule and rebuke that appears reserved for anyone who has ever worn the tag of "Australia's highest-paid rugby player".
But Giteau is not the only player nursing deep wounds after the announcement of the World Cup squad. Matt Hodgson and Beau Robinson must be scratching their heads that only one place could be found for a specialist seven in the entire 30-man party. And they will particularly be gnashing their teeth if that solitary seven, David Pocock, comes down with a grade two medial ligament strain in Australia's opening match of the World Cup against Italy. That's an injury that usually requires four to six weeks recovery time, so it wouldn't be until around the semi-final or possibly even the final itself, that he might be fit again to play.
So what does Robbie Deans do: send for a replacement and so rule Pocock out of the rest of the tournament, or soldier through with number eight Ben McCalman at openside - a position he last filled at school - and expose the Wallabies to the risk of being eliminated before Pocock even comes back on line?
Ben Daley, too, must be rueing the way the dice fell. Once Benn Robinson ruled himself out of the race, Daley should have been a walk-up start as the only specialist loosehead in the squad, but instead the selectors went with four props who have all made their reputations as tightheads, Ben Alexander, Sekope Kepu, James Slipper and Salesi Ma'afu.
Likewise winger Lachie Turner, missing out to his Waratahs teammates Drew Mitchell and Rob Horne, both of whom have missed the bulk of the season because of injury.
No wonder everyone has been so edgy this week. No wonder everyone is so in need of a laugh.
Say, did you hear the one about the official who warned everyone we could lose our coach to those bastards on the other side of the ditch if we didn't hurry up and get his signature? And then the coach innocently came out in the press and revealed he never had any intention of going over to the other side.
And what's the punchline, you ask?
Good question.