Grumpy Old (Rugby) Men

Grumpy Old (Rugby) Men
GrumpY Jeremy's a rugby man

GruMpY Jeremy's a rugby man

Like Jeremy Clarkson, Bill Nighy, Rory McGrath and Bob Geldof I’m also a man of my times, bloody irritated by Gen Y and the modern age.

Why is it that the X-Box seems to have taken over from Snakes and Ladders? When was the last time you wrote a bloody letter? Remember picking up the phone and talking instead of tweeting, twitting or twatting?

What’s wrong with rucking and the three point try? Why can’t a winger throw the ball into the lineout? Whatever happened to David Fitter?

Why is it that hair gel is now more important to rugby players than liniment? Tight shorts were the realm of Warwick Capper, not Benn Robinson!

I’m getting grumpier by the minute but don’t you just hate those Wallaby jerseys with that strip below the man boobs? What was the go with that?

Is that velcro or something? So you could stick your CV to it when you applied for European rugby jobs?

Or was to let your tits ‘breathe’ and feel cool? I’m not sure thrusting out your ‘bristols’ and looking like a Page 3 girl was a positive when scrummaging against the Poms?

Speaking of the Poms, remember when they first turned up in their skin tight O2 ‘vests’ in the early noughties? Jason Leonard, Phil Vickery and Trevor Woodman.

They looked like Two Fat Ladies (are you allowed to say that anymore?) cloistered in Glad Wrap!

I’m really looking forward to the new Wallabies Kooga jersey cut. I’m hoping that some rugby players and not just Carson Kressley have had an input.

Tight waist, padded shoulders, sheer embroided mesh fronts, vents for the fuller figure…..ooooooh, I just can’t wait.

How come when I go to the footy I can’t even get a decent drink? It’s so bloody annoying that I’ve got to buy some sort of mid-strength puke tube that I wouldn’t feed my dog because supposedly yobbos get too pissed on anything above 1% alcohol content.

Don’t you know? This isn’t a f*ckin mungo crowd you wankers!!!!! I’m not going to get shit faced and crap in the aisle! I just want a bloody XXXX Heavy FFS!

So, I go to the rugby and if I’m lucky my hairy arsed wife has ‘allowed’ me to buy a season ticket. Why is it I’m stuck sitting next to the ex-pat Waratahs guy wearing the blue jersey even though we’re playing the Crusaders? Time warp? Beam me up Scotty? Magic mushrooms?

The Ground Announcer ‘on the tannoy’ as the Poms so quaintly put it. Firstly, why is he so often and why is he so f*ckin loud?

I want Cliff Richard and the Shadows when Big Kev is receiving attention, not Counting Crows….or Regurgitate…..or Wolffather….or Eskimo Nel! What’s wrong with Summer Holiday or The Young Ones?

The tennis I can understand?

The tennis I can understand?

At NZ grounds I notice they play hits of the sixties, seventies and eighties amongst the other stuff to cater for all the crowd, not just the ankle-biters. Its no wonder their stadiums are frequently a crowded house…..

And why does he have to announce the reason a penalty is awarded each time? My guess is to inform the 10% of ‘Hooray Henry’s’ ensconced in the corporate boxes (on the piss) that they should feel guilty they know jack-shit about what’s going on? Or is it a deeper malaise?

Isn’t it bloody irritating that you’ve got to mortgage your house to buy the crap piss and now ‘Five and Twenty-One’ pies they sell at the match.

Not forgetting that the oil they cooked the chips in was the same crap they used five weeks ago at the last game. Yum.

Getting into the ground used to be a doddle, but in ‘the war on terror’ times have changed. Some security goon thinks I’m Osama bin Laden and wants to feel me up and pat me down at the entrance.

No doubt looking for contraband – a ham and tomato sandwich.”Sorry sir, but you’re not allowed to bring your own food into the ground, it poses a security risk and contravenes our house policy…..and means we can charge you a small fortune for our shit chips instead”.

Why is it that rugby players have all got to have tattoos now? When I was a boy a tattoo was something that sailors used to get because they were tough, not ‘faux tough’.

You notice it’s mainly backs that have them now? Show ponying ‘faux tough’. Kees Meuws has got them but he’s f*ckin real tough!

How many substitutes are on the bench these days? Twenty, thirty or is it more? As a youngster, I remember when players got injured they weren’t replaced, so they stayed on as long as they could. I don’t remember any of these guys having tatts?

Assistant referees. You mean touchies? Now they have a license to thrill. Every one of them has a profile and to meet expectations they have to indulge in some ‘flag waving’ to ensure they get on the telie.

Well, the World Cup is next year so its hardly surprising – there’ll be more of it in the Super 14. Oh for the days of the anonymous Mr TJ……

Grumpy? Me? How very, very dare you.


Roscoe Tims (aka @LanceFree): A nasty, opinionated little man whose views are indeed narrow with a capital 'N'. Favourite Sport: mungo bashing. Does he ever have anything positive to say?

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