The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide

[Dismal Pillock]

The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide

Hello, and Welcome to The Official IRB 2015 Rugby World Cup Guide

Let me, your resident rugby expert (see panel pictured below, that's me, on the far right), knowledgeably guide you through the key elements of the upcoming tournament, featuring a close-up in-depth look at all of the 19 foreign teams that are cruelly and viciously and, frankly, racistly looking to deny New Zealand their 3rd Rugby World Cup and second Rugby World Cup in succession.

Without further ado, let's meet the teams:

Argentina.

**Threat Level**:

HUGE THREAT.

NZ will have to have their shit together to beat these pricks in the group stage.

Full of beans after toppling the bokkes, now up to speed in the Tri-Nations, some NH team could get snuck up on in the quarters and mugged by these boofheads.

A quick browse through RWC history will reveal that Argentina have a sneaky habit of coming 3rd and 4th at these things.

Player To Watch: Ma'a Nonu (NZ)

He will run the midfield tiller, till the rudder, plot a course straight up the guts. Destination: Tryline. LET'S GO, NEW ZEALAND!















Australia:

**Threat Level**:



All it could take is a change of wind direction, perhaps in Quade's empty spacco vacant plot upstairs, and Australia could rain on NZ's parade once again.

As for Australia's "Group of Death" with Wales, Fiji and England I personally do not care what happens in this group because NZ are not in this group.

Player To Watch: Kurtley Beale




Second Player To Watch: Scott Higginbotham.

Higginbotham, seen here arriving at Torquay International Airport for his timely "winter holidays".

















Canada

**Threat Level**:



That being, not a threat to the New Zealand national rugby team's aspirations of hoisting The William Webb Ellis trophy at all.

Player To Watch:Brodie Retallick (NZ)

We all enjoy watching Brodie Retallick playing the game of rugby union football and, frankly, I personally think you should too.

Righto.
















England

**Threat Level**:

These Saxon Manowar mofos hate New Zealand.

They just hate us!

NZ, with their colonial upstart agenda, took that rugger ball England gave us back in 1762 and gleefully return every November carrying the thing in readiness to punch it back up their British dates with brown filthy giddy abandon.

**WARNING TO NZ RUGBY TEAM**: please, lose to ANY OTHER TEAM before you lose to the England rugby team.

Namibia? Fine.

Madagascar? No problem. Had to happen some day.

Player To Watch: Conrad Smith (NZ)

Smith will want revenge for getting skinned alive on the outside by some Jonny-come-lately in about the third minute of NZ's last encounter with England.

Second Player To Watch: Richie Mccaw (NZ)

Richie Mccaw. Eyes on the prize as always.














Fiji

**Threat Level**:

That being, like Scientologists, the Fijian rugby team are not really the sort of people you want to cross. Might seem nice enough, hey, hello, how you doing, but get on their wrong side and things could get ugly fast.

In previous world cups you could say the Fijian forward pack has been their downfall, not really embracing the grot work required up front. Will this again be their undoing? Locks look great in full flight but this aint no seven-a-side jog and giggle on the beach in Dubai. This is drop and groan in the gloomy mud bog piss squall and swamp of Torquay Bog and Squat Centre

Player To Watch: Dan Carter (NZ)

How will Dan go at the Rugby World Cup this time around? After 2 errant campaigns and one slightly rogered groinage sister-kisser "Winners" medal in 2011, I know I'll be watching.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

France

**Threat Level**:

HUGELY TERRIFYING.

I only know about three of the French players names but who cares, once France front up against NZ at a Rugby World Cup it's as if every frog and his dog is a yippee kye-yay mothef**ker with both nuts strapped to a torpedo and their brains riddled with rainbow warrior garlic.

Player To Watch: Richie Mccaw (NZ)

Let's hope Mccaw can toy with the frogs just like he toys with the slightly dim French chicks on twitter










Georgia

**Threat Level**:

Picking 15 forwards sounds like a cool idea on paper but never seems to pan out too well for Georgia.



Player To Watch: Tony Woodcock (NZ)

Is the centurion on his last legs? Will Wyatt Crockett supplant him in the NZ engine room? These are just two of the things I will be watching out for at the upcoming Rugby World Cup.








Ireland

**Threat Level**:

A real danger to NZ.

Despite having never defeated them.

Ever.

In history.

Never happened.

LET'S FACE FACTS, ALL BLACKS; lose to Ireland and you are all walking home

Player To Watch: Sam Whitelock (NZ in the rear)

At times, you really need to keep an eye on Sam Whitelock.

AT ALL TIMES.










Italy

**Threat Level**:

"Kirwan? Who the f**k is 'Kirwan'? I'm looking for Luke Braid-Whitelock, you goddamn a******. Find him. We need him in September. You got two weeks. Motherf*****r."

Player To Watch: Jerome Kaino (NZ)

Can Kaino resume his murder bash prowess circa 2011? Or will Liam Messam be preferred for the knock-out games? This is just one of the intriguing things that I, for one, will be watching out for at the upcoming Rugby World Cup.











Japan

**Threat Level**:

ZERO threat to NZ.

They mark up well, yes, but really its still just NPC blokes and some local casting extras.

Player to watch: Blue bra. Middle row. Don't know her name.

Namibia

**Threat Level**:

Player To Watch:Richie Mccaw (NZ)

He's everywhere!














Romania

**Threat Level**:

Romania. Wasn't Dracula from Romania? Or was it Transylvania? Anyway. Righto.

Player To Watch: Still Mccaw isn't it?

 

[Dismal Pillock]

Samoa

**Threat Level**:

Stacked with the goods but could come a cropper at any minute. Especially when the "Player to Watch" is the Prime Minister forward slash "Minister of Rugby" who takes any and all cash he can get his hands on and no longer even bothers to drive to the cake shop any more, he just eats the money directly.

Player To Watch: Fat Crook Samoan Prime Minister forward slash "Minister of Rugby".

"So, those cake shops over there are now all closed and you just eat the money directly?"











Scotland

**Threat Level**:

Scotland, having never defeated New Zealand in a rugby football match, are considered a **LOW LEVEL THREAT** to secure the William Webb Ellis trophy before New Zealand get their rightful hands back on the trophy come October.

Player To Watch: Luke Braid-Whitelock (NZ)

Scotland will probably have signed Luke Braid-Whitelock up by September.

Canny Scots.

Would be a good move.













South Africa

**Threat Level**:

That being, vaguely terrifying but hopefully the rain will dampen their spirits.

Player To Watch: Schalk Burger

Tonga

**Threat Level**:

**WARNING NZ**, in your pool match vs Tonga, do not get squashed between two fat Tongan bastards out there. There are some BIG games coming up after this one so just wheel out the bench guys.

Player To Watch: Richie Mccaw (NZ)

Mccaw will probably just dot the i's and cross the t's in NZ's match-up vs Tonga.











Wales

**Threat Level**:

That being, they used to be a nasty threat a while back but not so much now.

They could do with a dangerous prick to chorale the troops and take charge and resume their historical murderous intent.

Player To Watch: Sam Cane (NZ)

Will the boy get a run at all outside garbage time at the upcoming Rugby World, Cup or will Iron Horse Mccaw just play every minute of every game en route to another ignominious semi-final exit? That will be something to watch for.








Uruguay

**Threat Level**:

Player To Watch:

USA

**Threat Level**:

Getting bored now. Has anyone even read this far?

Player To Watch: Liam Messam (NZ)

New Zealand

**Threat Level**:

NZ will be at the World Cup with one thing in mind; execution.

Execute themselves and they will execute everybody else.

Their #1 threat comes from within their own minds

The average All Black players brain during
a Rugby World Cup knockout stage game:

Let's face facts: N.Z CHOKE AT RUGBY WORLD CUPS. Under the dazzling glare of the monster-truck halogens, with the weight of a nation baying for ax-blood-murder, they freeze under that weight of expectation and start marching to fuzz upstairs.

Player To Watch: ALL.

It will be an unrelenting anonymous rabid black wave of murder. Faceless, nameless execution-style murder, and it will not stop until there is death, death mixed with blood, and shit, and murder, and cootees, and nits, and more death, and boogers mixed with blood, and then, and only then, will the murder stop and the clouds will part, and peace, peace will reign, and on the 45th day of World Cup play the Gods will spake forth in settlement, harmony has come to pass, until 2019, and forever and ever and ever shall it reign thusly amen motherf***ers.

 

[cyclopath]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

DEFCON 1 COCKED PISTOL Nuclear war is imminent Maximum readiness

​

DEFCON 2 FAST PACE Next step to nuclear war Armed Forces ready to deploy and engage in less than 6 hours

​

DEFCON 3 ROUND HOUSE Increase in force readiness above that required for normal readinessAir Force ready to mobilize in 15 minutes

​

DEFCON 4 DOUBLE TAKE Increased intelligence watch and strengthened security measures Above normal readiness

​

DEFCON 5 FADE OUT Lowest state of readiness Normal readiness

​

I was really hoping you could have used some of these. Gene "Roundhouse" Gunston, or Trevor "Cocked Pistol" Gunston sprang to mind. So too, Byron "Fade out" Kelleher.

 

[Oldschool]

That is a all time classic pic of Whitelock all pumped at the gym.
Still laughing.

 

[Dismal Pillock]

oddly finding it hard to give much of toss about RWC2015.

NZ plied the monkey off the back in 011 so its a free shot for them this time around iHomo. whatever. just dont go out to f**king Ireland

clawing the eyelids open at the sparrows fart for say, France vs Italy ? nope. never bother with 6N rugby so wft start at 4am. dont think i'd even stay up til midnight to watch say, the bokkes eventually overcome Japan's ITM cup crew. Up at 4am to watch Georgie take on Sixpackistan? what?

 

[Braveheart81]

I would have thought that all of the Gunston family's greatest ideas happen well after midnight.

 

[PiXeL_Ninja]

Awesome read DP, Will leave this here in preparation of things to come:

Feel free to include it in your wordart repertoire

 

[Dismal Pillock]

apropos of nothing:

2015 RWC top try scorers:

1. Julian Savea (NZ) 8
2. Nehe Milner-Skudder (NZ) 6
3= Bryan Habana (SA) 5
3= Gareth Davies (Wales) 5
3= Juan Imhoff (Arg) 5
3= JP Pietersen (SA) 5

 

[Dismal Pillock]